God really has been putting a lot of challenging things on my heart recently. There are two main things I kinda want to talk about here.
1) The "Future"
I'm at a point in my school career in which I have to start to seriously plan for my post-grad plans. Many of the "next-steps" that my degree can lead to require me to starting thinking and planning NOW, and honestly it's stressful. It's stressful because I like to be in control of my life (working on it! ;) and I know that the future isn't something that I can control. Regardless, God has been very good to me recently on this front. For the longest time I had felt kind of lost/drifting and was praying for God to give me a passion that I can form a goal around and work towards. Through the past several weeks/months, God has slowly been closing doors and also turning me back to my childhood dreams and revealing to me the passion I had tried to suppress for so long due to fear. It's still a scary time for me because for once in my life, I have no back-up plan! It really is all or nothing, and I know that if I get into my program of choice it'll be all to the glory of God; I will be unable to take an ounce of credit for it. Praise God!
2) Singleness
To be perfectly honest, I've never really thought very hard about the state of being single or having a significant other. Oh sure, I've cooed over romantic dramas/comedies on TV and sighed over stories shared by girlfriends about the sweet things their boyfriends do for them, but if I had to think long and hard about the past several years (i.e., late high school and university; my hormone-addled middle school years do not count LOL) I honestly never gave much thought to boys and future relationships. Is that strange? In the past months God has been slowly but surely revealing to me areas of my life in which I need to repent and be healed from, and I know that these things are part of the reason why I've never been in a serious relationship before. Maybe in the back of my head I've wondered whether something was wrong with me in that I never seemed to be able to like the same guy for very long. I see now that this, too, was one of God's tender mercies to me. How can I be in a Christ-centered relationship with any guy if I'm not in a right relationship with Christ first? Knowing this in my head and actually understanding this in my heart after being made aware of certain things about myself are two completely different things. With that said, I don't know how long this season of singleness will last. With this new career path I feel that God is leading me towards, this season may be even more prolonged than I had originally hoped. What I do believe is that I am the way I currently am and the things I am currently struggling through are for my good; as the psalmist says, "...the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!" (Psalm 84:11-12; emphasis mine). God is good and faithful, and I must trust in that.
I know I've been sharing this song around the Internet like no one's business, but it has truly been encouraging to me over the past several days. I hope it will bless you like it has blessed me.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
lots of musings :|
Recent(-ish) musings......
I had been intending to write about Urbana12, but somehow I don't really many words for it. As with all similar events there was good and bad and it's hard to write everything down in one sitting. I'm probably not going to do a whole good-bad-ugly kind of post about it, but things I've learned/thought were useful will probably pop up here and there.
1) Loving my home church - I remember that around this time last year I was quite determined to leave my home church and go church-hunting during the summer. I remember being so disillusioned by the lack of desire to really know and worship the God of the Bible and the prevalent worldliness I saw that I really dreaded going to church on Sundays. Recently, however, I feel like God has burdened my heart for this church. The truth is, I love this church and the people in it. My heart yearns to see revival and the turning of our eyes toward Christ and things above. I have especially been burdened by a desire to see the youth of this church come to truly know God and deny their own sinful flesh as a example to the rest of the congregation. I am very encouraged by a lot of my younger brothers and sisters who really do desire to know God more, but I can see that there is an extreme shortage of committed leadership and the godly leadership that is there is stretched really thing. It seems like no one is willing to invest in this next generation, and that breaks my heart. I also had a bit of an awful time on the worship team during the summer b/c I felt like it wasn't always Spirit-led and I don't know whether it's me or the system, which leads me to.....
2) Spiritual discipline of worship - I remember being very convicted about this during Urbana. I was very uncomfortable at the beginning of Urbana b/c the style of worship was so very different than what I was used to at church and CCF. I rmbr praying all through the first session that God would work through the conference to reveal to me things that I needed to change in my life and to bring me to uncomfortable places if He needed to, and worship was definitely one of these areas; I think I'd never realized before that my worship was quite self-indulgent and I really didn't have a very high view of God in my worship. It wasn't even an issue of pride that a lot of worship leaders struggle with - it was the fact that my worship to God didn't reflect that He truly is the God of all creation and of all nations and I was very focused on some aspects of God while completely ignoring other aspects. I was also very set in my ways in that there was one good and comfortable way of worship and that was it. How deluded we truly are until God deigns to open our eyes! I've just been really convicted to study the Bible and see what biblical worship looks like and discern from that how I am to lead worship and also what kind of "worship music" I should listen to/lead. And from this point I can generalize further to......
3) Doctrine and theology - I know nothing about doctrine. Absolutely nothing. I believe that the Bible is God-breathed and should be our only guide/standard, but that doesn't mean I know a thing about how to study and interpret it correctly. I guess a lot of people that I know are getting in doctrine and theology and throw around a lot of buzzwords and schools of thought and people are always saying so-and-so's preaching isn't correct or so-and-so's teaching is super legit and I'm just completely bewildered because I have no idea what it all means and I don't want to be swayed by a teaching just because it sounds good and Biblical. So much discernment to be prayed for ;____; I don't know how we think we can get anything done without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. And that barb was directed entirely at myself (sigh).
In essence this is a strange kind of period in my life. I am unsure about many things and wanting to learn many things, but don't know how/where to start.
Recent reminders-to-self:
"For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous." (Romans 2:13)
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." (Colossians 1:13-14)
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:4)
"If we are faithless, he remains faithful - for he cannot deny himself." (2 Timothy 2:13)
I had been intending to write about Urbana12, but somehow I don't really many words for it. As with all similar events there was good and bad and it's hard to write everything down in one sitting. I'm probably not going to do a whole good-bad-ugly kind of post about it, but things I've learned/thought were useful will probably pop up here and there.
1) Loving my home church - I remember that around this time last year I was quite determined to leave my home church and go church-hunting during the summer. I remember being so disillusioned by the lack of desire to really know and worship the God of the Bible and the prevalent worldliness I saw that I really dreaded going to church on Sundays. Recently, however, I feel like God has burdened my heart for this church. The truth is, I love this church and the people in it. My heart yearns to see revival and the turning of our eyes toward Christ and things above. I have especially been burdened by a desire to see the youth of this church come to truly know God and deny their own sinful flesh as a example to the rest of the congregation. I am very encouraged by a lot of my younger brothers and sisters who really do desire to know God more, but I can see that there is an extreme shortage of committed leadership and the godly leadership that is there is stretched really thing. It seems like no one is willing to invest in this next generation, and that breaks my heart. I also had a bit of an awful time on the worship team during the summer b/c I felt like it wasn't always Spirit-led and I don't know whether it's me or the system, which leads me to.....
2) Spiritual discipline of worship - I remember being very convicted about this during Urbana. I was very uncomfortable at the beginning of Urbana b/c the style of worship was so very different than what I was used to at church and CCF. I rmbr praying all through the first session that God would work through the conference to reveal to me things that I needed to change in my life and to bring me to uncomfortable places if He needed to, and worship was definitely one of these areas; I think I'd never realized before that my worship was quite self-indulgent and I really didn't have a very high view of God in my worship. It wasn't even an issue of pride that a lot of worship leaders struggle with - it was the fact that my worship to God didn't reflect that He truly is the God of all creation and of all nations and I was very focused on some aspects of God while completely ignoring other aspects. I was also very set in my ways in that there was one good and comfortable way of worship and that was it. How deluded we truly are until God deigns to open our eyes! I've just been really convicted to study the Bible and see what biblical worship looks like and discern from that how I am to lead worship and also what kind of "worship music" I should listen to/lead. And from this point I can generalize further to......
3) Doctrine and theology - I know nothing about doctrine. Absolutely nothing. I believe that the Bible is God-breathed and should be our only guide/standard, but that doesn't mean I know a thing about how to study and interpret it correctly. I guess a lot of people that I know are getting in doctrine and theology and throw around a lot of buzzwords and schools of thought and people are always saying so-and-so's preaching isn't correct or so-and-so's teaching is super legit and I'm just completely bewildered because I have no idea what it all means and I don't want to be swayed by a teaching just because it sounds good and Biblical. So much discernment to be prayed for ;____; I don't know how we think we can get anything done without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. And that barb was directed entirely at myself (sigh).
In essence this is a strange kind of period in my life. I am unsure about many things and wanting to learn many things, but don't know how/where to start.
Recent reminders-to-self:
"For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous." (Romans 2:13)
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." (Colossians 1:13-14)
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:4)
"If we are faithless, he remains faithful - for he cannot deny himself." (2 Timothy 2:13)
Saturday, December 8, 2012
note to self.
I know it's been a while and it's in the thick of exam season right now (sigh), but I've been feeling the need to post this for a while. This post is primarily for my sisters in Christ, but I'm sure our brothers could learn a thing or two about how to guard the hearts of the girls they worship and serve with.
I don't think I'm alone in saying that it is so difficult for a young woman of God to learn how to find her full satisfaction in Christ. We are constantly surrounded by messages that we need to be beautiful, we need to be alluring, we need to provocative and assertive in order to get the man of our dreams. This whole movement of female empowerment seems to give a message that women don't need men for self-validation (and this message, at its core, is not incorrect), but the fact that this grew out of a desperate desire to free ourselves from a highly misogynistic and patriarchal/male-dominated society still reveals how our identities as women are still undeniably dependent on the men in our lives. And yes, that's just my opinion, but this opinion has been built on years of observing how the girls in and around my life (including myself!) trip over themselves trying to receive love and admiration from guys.
Why is this the case? I think that at the core of it, we must go back to the Fall of Man and the judgment of God - "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (Genesis 3:16) What was once good and perfect was defiled by sin, and we are still reaping the consequences of this. This situation would seem unbearably dire if not for the Gospel - that although our sin in the face of God's holiness should justly require punishment, God in His unfathomable love and grace provided His own Son Jesus Christ as a blameless and perfect sacrificial substitute to die on the cross and take on His righteous wrath for the sin of humanity, and that in Christ's subsequent resurrection and victory over death, we too can be free from the chains of sin and shame and have eternal life (that is, knowing God) if we repent of our sins and believe that Christ is our risen and victorious Saviour. Once saved, we are able to fight against our sinful human nature and the consequences of such a nature through the power and work of the Holy Spirit, who indwells us at the moment we repent and believe.
How, then, is this relevant to the matter at hand? The fact is, there is no man on earth who can truly satisfy the desires of a woman. I may look and look for years and try on relationships like a girl tries on shoes to try to find a perfect fit, to find my Prince Charming and happy ending the way that all the Disney princesses seem to be able to do, but I will fail, and be left emptier and sadder than before. You know I'm leading up to this, but there is only one answer to this dilemma: Find your satisfaction in Christ alone.
Now, this isn't anything new. It's the epitome of a Sunday School answer, but it is the truth. The question really is - how do I continually remind myself of this truth through the ups and downs of daily life, through my daily interactions with guys and as I navigate the various relationships in my life? Say it all together now - the Word of God! There is nothing like Scripture to remind us of the truth in God's promises, and God's promises are the things we should cling to. In my own life, I've noticed a bunch of things that I feel like girls desperately want from guys, but really should be getting from God. And that's NOT to say that these things are not things that a husband should strive to provide for his wife, but even a husband who is as closely to perfect as humanly possible will fall short compared to how God provides these things for us. God is, after all, perfect. And again, this list is not exhaustive, but in all honesty is just a reminder for myself that God is completely sufficient.
1. Recognition - Don't know if this is just me, but there is a part of me that desperately wants to be recognized for who I am. And you know what the amazing thing is? I am known by God. The God who is Master of the universe and who created the stars that take my breath away at night - He knows me. CRAZYYY.
John 10:2-4; 14-15 - "The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice...I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep."
1 Corinthians 8:3 - "But the[woman] who loves God is known by God."
2. Comfort - We all want a guy who we can run to and talk to when we're feeling down and lost. We want him to be understanding and to hold us and tell us things will be alright. And if your significant other does so - praise God! But whether or not he does or doesn't (or if he exists yet), God is the ultimate and perfect provider of comfort.
1 Peter 5:6-7 - "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may life you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Psalm 25:16-18 - "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins."
3. Security - At least for me, this is something huge. It is scary for a girl to feel like she is without security or foothold, without assurance of things to come. And you know what - we can rest completely and absolutely in the truth of God's promises that He is with us wherever we go.
Psalm 16:8-10 - "I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave"
Psalm 27:1 - "The LORD is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 46:1-3 - "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."
Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
4. Intimacy - Why do you think it's so easy for girls to give their heart away? Because we long for intimacy. To know someone deeply and be known in return on a deep and visceral level. And no one knows this better than God Himself.
Hosea 2:14-15 - "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt."
John 10:14-15 - "I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep."
5. Love - I'll be completely honest here: this is a hypothesis on my part. And I say this because even now, I'm not quite sure what love is. Doesn't that sound kind of silly? But in all honesty, I really don't. I can't say I've been in love before. I definitely can't say that I understand what God's love is. But I feel like we girls grasp at every straw we possibly can in order to experience this thing called love - and it very clearly says in Scripture that God is the origin and source of love, and His love is pure and holy and perfect. Why look in puddles when we have access to the entire ocean?
Jeremiah 31:3 - "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."
John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Romans 8:38-39 - "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, no any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our LORD."
Zephaniah 3:17 - "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with his singing."
Psalm 103:11 - "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him"
Let us always be reminded of the unimaginable satisfaction of the fullness of joy we find in Christ alone.
I don't think I'm alone in saying that it is so difficult for a young woman of God to learn how to find her full satisfaction in Christ. We are constantly surrounded by messages that we need to be beautiful, we need to be alluring, we need to provocative and assertive in order to get the man of our dreams. This whole movement of female empowerment seems to give a message that women don't need men for self-validation (and this message, at its core, is not incorrect), but the fact that this grew out of a desperate desire to free ourselves from a highly misogynistic and patriarchal/male-dominated society still reveals how our identities as women are still undeniably dependent on the men in our lives. And yes, that's just my opinion, but this opinion has been built on years of observing how the girls in and around my life (including myself!) trip over themselves trying to receive love and admiration from guys.
Why is this the case? I think that at the core of it, we must go back to the Fall of Man and the judgment of God - "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (Genesis 3:16) What was once good and perfect was defiled by sin, and we are still reaping the consequences of this. This situation would seem unbearably dire if not for the Gospel - that although our sin in the face of God's holiness should justly require punishment, God in His unfathomable love and grace provided His own Son Jesus Christ as a blameless and perfect sacrificial substitute to die on the cross and take on His righteous wrath for the sin of humanity, and that in Christ's subsequent resurrection and victory over death, we too can be free from the chains of sin and shame and have eternal life (that is, knowing God) if we repent of our sins and believe that Christ is our risen and victorious Saviour. Once saved, we are able to fight against our sinful human nature and the consequences of such a nature through the power and work of the Holy Spirit, who indwells us at the moment we repent and believe.
How, then, is this relevant to the matter at hand? The fact is, there is no man on earth who can truly satisfy the desires of a woman. I may look and look for years and try on relationships like a girl tries on shoes to try to find a perfect fit, to find my Prince Charming and happy ending the way that all the Disney princesses seem to be able to do, but I will fail, and be left emptier and sadder than before. You know I'm leading up to this, but there is only one answer to this dilemma: Find your satisfaction in Christ alone.
Now, this isn't anything new. It's the epitome of a Sunday School answer, but it is the truth. The question really is - how do I continually remind myself of this truth through the ups and downs of daily life, through my daily interactions with guys and as I navigate the various relationships in my life? Say it all together now - the Word of God! There is nothing like Scripture to remind us of the truth in God's promises, and God's promises are the things we should cling to. In my own life, I've noticed a bunch of things that I feel like girls desperately want from guys, but really should be getting from God. And that's NOT to say that these things are not things that a husband should strive to provide for his wife, but even a husband who is as closely to perfect as humanly possible will fall short compared to how God provides these things for us. God is, after all, perfect. And again, this list is not exhaustive, but in all honesty is just a reminder for myself that God is completely sufficient.
1. Recognition - Don't know if this is just me, but there is a part of me that desperately wants to be recognized for who I am. And you know what the amazing thing is? I am known by God. The God who is Master of the universe and who created the stars that take my breath away at night - He knows me. CRAZYYY.
John 10:2-4; 14-15 - "The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice...I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep."
1 Corinthians 8:3 - "But the[woman] who loves God is known by God."
2. Comfort - We all want a guy who we can run to and talk to when we're feeling down and lost. We want him to be understanding and to hold us and tell us things will be alright. And if your significant other does so - praise God! But whether or not he does or doesn't (or if he exists yet), God is the ultimate and perfect provider of comfort.
1 Peter 5:6-7 - "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may life you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Psalm 25:16-18 - "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins."
3. Security - At least for me, this is something huge. It is scary for a girl to feel like she is without security or foothold, without assurance of things to come. And you know what - we can rest completely and absolutely in the truth of God's promises that He is with us wherever we go.
Psalm 16:8-10 - "I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave"
Psalm 27:1 - "The LORD is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 46:1-3 - "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."
Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
4. Intimacy - Why do you think it's so easy for girls to give their heart away? Because we long for intimacy. To know someone deeply and be known in return on a deep and visceral level. And no one knows this better than God Himself.
Hosea 2:14-15 - "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt."
John 10:14-15 - "I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep."
5. Love - I'll be completely honest here: this is a hypothesis on my part. And I say this because even now, I'm not quite sure what love is. Doesn't that sound kind of silly? But in all honesty, I really don't. I can't say I've been in love before. I definitely can't say that I understand what God's love is. But I feel like we girls grasp at every straw we possibly can in order to experience this thing called love - and it very clearly says in Scripture that God is the origin and source of love, and His love is pure and holy and perfect. Why look in puddles when we have access to the entire ocean?
Jeremiah 31:3 - "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."
John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Romans 8:38-39 - "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, no any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our LORD."
Zephaniah 3:17 - "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with his singing."
Psalm 103:11 - "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him"
Let us always be reminded of the unimaginable satisfaction of the fullness of joy we find in Christ alone.
Monday, October 22, 2012
because God is good.
"No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse."
(Psalm 25:3)
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse."
(Psalm 25:3)
"The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want."
(Psalm 23:1)
"And surely I am with you always,
to the very end of the age."
(Matthew 28:20)
"'Shout and be glad, O Daughter of Zion.
For I am coming, and I will live among you,' declares the LORD."
(Zechariah 1:10)
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
for frenzied days and lonely nights
"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted."
(Psalm 25:16)
(Psalm 25:16)
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
Your walls are ever before me."
(Isaiah 4:15-16)
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
(Zephaniah 3:17)
"Be still, and know that I am God"
(Psalm 46:10)
Friday, October 12, 2012
over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." (Song of Songs 2:7)
It is never a good idea to bare your soul to the Internet, and this is why I am really giving quite an abbreviated version what of what this post could have been right now. There really is so much joy in my life through all the busyness right now, and so much that I'm learning and being challenged with that I want to share with you all! This week has been tough both physically and mentally, with 2 midterms (finally done, PTL!), 1 quiz, and 2 large essays/papers that are due on Monday and Wednesday. It's been stressful, but praise God that I've been able to get through most of it with my sanity intact and with my relationship with Him unscathed :)
As I've mentioned before, for the past month or so I've been so challenged to find all my fulfillment and contentment in Christ alone, and it's gotten even harder recently. It's kind of strange to say that it's hard because while it's not untrue, there has also been so much joy in coming to the LORD on my knees and struggling in prayer, and knowing that He's right there and that He has willed this time of challenges and struggle for His glory and for my good. I am so excited to see what He has in store for me, and sometimes it's such a battle for patience and faith!
Anyway. Tonight we had a "brief" DG meeting (haha, still took us 2 hours!) and afterwards I had a bit of a chat with my DGL. A lot of friendship dynamics in our year have been changing and I'd been feeling a little lost, and this was something that I really needed to get accountability for, and I knew my DGL was the girl to go to :) As we talked and shared, I came to a rather funny realization. And this is funny and makes me feel slightly stupid because it's so basic, but it just highlights God's wisdom and perfect timing even more. As we were wrapping up in what I told her, my DGL said she was going to pray for me, and then asked me whether I was going to pray to ask God to take away the distraction of attraction, or to take away the attraction itself. I was kind of still for a minute, because I realized right then and there that distraction ABOUT attraction (i.e., making him into an idol, having him become such a persistent thought in my mind that he becomes number 1) and attraction ITSELF are two completely different things! It is quite possible to have one (attraction) without the other (distraction), for all things are possible through God who gives us strength! I guess all my life I'd been told to "wait", whatever that meant. It's just. What was I waiting for, exactly? The "right" guy? For me to be "ready"? What did this all even mean?
When this first started becoming a conscious thing for me, I remember praying to God about it and kind of asking Him to protect my heart and keep Him first in my life, because I knew how easily I nosedived into these kinds of things, and I felt Him ask me: "Nicole, if I take this away right now, would you be okay with that? Would you still trust in me and praise My Name?" Honestly, I wasn't able to answer at that time. Now, I can honestly say, "Yes LORD." After all, what do I have that God did not first bless me with? I am not my own; I am Christ's.
Basically, my point is this - never in my life have I ever liked anyone without feeling guilt, or feeling like I'm wrong about it for one reason or another, like I shouldn't have those feelings in first place. But I am realizing now that 1) romantic love has been created by God, 2) it is beautiful and blessed by God if it occurs at His intended time, and 3) if this is something that God chooses to bless me with, I must learn how to accept it with thanksgiving. And if God chooses to close the door on this, I will not be ashamed of myself, because I know that 1) my pride is nothing, and 2) God was the one who was in control and led my every step.
I pray that I might fall deeper and deeper in love with Christ and that His place as number one in my heart will be steadfast and unwavering.
It is never a good idea to bare your soul to the Internet, and this is why I am really giving quite an abbreviated version what of what this post could have been right now. There really is so much joy in my life through all the busyness right now, and so much that I'm learning and being challenged with that I want to share with you all! This week has been tough both physically and mentally, with 2 midterms (finally done, PTL!), 1 quiz, and 2 large essays/papers that are due on Monday and Wednesday. It's been stressful, but praise God that I've been able to get through most of it with my sanity intact and with my relationship with Him unscathed :)
As I've mentioned before, for the past month or so I've been so challenged to find all my fulfillment and contentment in Christ alone, and it's gotten even harder recently. It's kind of strange to say that it's hard because while it's not untrue, there has also been so much joy in coming to the LORD on my knees and struggling in prayer, and knowing that He's right there and that He has willed this time of challenges and struggle for His glory and for my good. I am so excited to see what He has in store for me, and sometimes it's such a battle for patience and faith!
Anyway. Tonight we had a "brief" DG meeting (haha, still took us 2 hours!) and afterwards I had a bit of a chat with my DGL. A lot of friendship dynamics in our year have been changing and I'd been feeling a little lost, and this was something that I really needed to get accountability for, and I knew my DGL was the girl to go to :) As we talked and shared, I came to a rather funny realization. And this is funny and makes me feel slightly stupid because it's so basic, but it just highlights God's wisdom and perfect timing even more. As we were wrapping up in what I told her, my DGL said she was going to pray for me, and then asked me whether I was going to pray to ask God to take away the distraction of attraction, or to take away the attraction itself. I was kind of still for a minute, because I realized right then and there that distraction ABOUT attraction (i.e., making him into an idol, having him become such a persistent thought in my mind that he becomes number 1) and attraction ITSELF are two completely different things! It is quite possible to have one (attraction) without the other (distraction), for all things are possible through God who gives us strength! I guess all my life I'd been told to "wait", whatever that meant. It's just. What was I waiting for, exactly? The "right" guy? For me to be "ready"? What did this all even mean?
When this first started becoming a conscious thing for me, I remember praying to God about it and kind of asking Him to protect my heart and keep Him first in my life, because I knew how easily I nosedived into these kinds of things, and I felt Him ask me: "Nicole, if I take this away right now, would you be okay with that? Would you still trust in me and praise My Name?" Honestly, I wasn't able to answer at that time. Now, I can honestly say, "Yes LORD." After all, what do I have that God did not first bless me with? I am not my own; I am Christ's.
Basically, my point is this - never in my life have I ever liked anyone without feeling guilt, or feeling like I'm wrong about it for one reason or another, like I shouldn't have those feelings in first place. But I am realizing now that 1) romantic love has been created by God, 2) it is beautiful and blessed by God if it occurs at His intended time, and 3) if this is something that God chooses to bless me with, I must learn how to accept it with thanksgiving. And if God chooses to close the door on this, I will not be ashamed of myself, because I know that 1) my pride is nothing, and 2) God was the one who was in control and led my every step.
I pray that I might fall deeper and deeper in love with Christ and that His place as number one in my heart will be steadfast and unwavering.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
"And Heaven can't contain the glory of the Son."
Tonight I was struck by the sudden desire to fall irresistibly and irreversibly in love with Christ Jesus. It's always something I hear people talk about and it all sounds incredibly wonderful and intimate and utterly satisfying and it's something I don't have. I think one of the hardest/most challenging things I've had to learn on this journey so far is that head knowledge =/= believing it in your heart, and that God's perfect timing in our lives often doesn't coincide with our preferred timing. It sounds simple enough to understand, but being in the midst of this waiting is, quite frankly, painful. It's like. I know there is so much more in store and I want it so bad, and I want to want God with every fiber of my being, but I don't. It's not exactly something people are clamoring to admit, y'know?
I remember reading on someone's blog/or something like that several months ago that she read the Gospel of John like she would a love letter. It just stuck with me, and I decided to read John with fresh eyes. To my utter delight, I could see exactly what she was getting at. Now, I'm not really sure whether this is a "correct" way of looking at it, but there are so many parts in John that are beautifully intimate and loving and that every word and phrase in the Bible has been intended by God to be written in that exact way - it just overwhelms me. The thought just overwhelms me. I'd always heard a lot about how Jesus is the "Good Shepherd" and we are His sheep and all that jazz, but it never really hit me just how deep and intimate this relationship really should be until I read John this time around. In John 10, Jesus talks about how He is the shepherd and we (Christians) are His sheep, and we know and respond to His voice only and will run away from a stranger because we don't recognize his voice. Isn't that powerful? Can you imagine a Christian so in tune with Christ and so in love with Him that anything that is not of Him is so jarring that it sends this person running in the opposite direction? And later on in the same chapter, He says: "I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep." To know God and be known by Him - it still blows my mind. I can't wrap my head around the idea. And later on: "For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father." What powerful, powerful words.
Even now I am speechless. Absolutely speechless.
I guess I'll leave y'alls with a verse and a song:
"As the Scripture says, 'Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.' For there is no different between Jew and Gentile - the same LORD is LORD of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for 'Everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved.'" (Romans 10:11-13)
I remember reading on someone's blog/or something like that several months ago that she read the Gospel of John like she would a love letter. It just stuck with me, and I decided to read John with fresh eyes. To my utter delight, I could see exactly what she was getting at. Now, I'm not really sure whether this is a "correct" way of looking at it, but there are so many parts in John that are beautifully intimate and loving and that every word and phrase in the Bible has been intended by God to be written in that exact way - it just overwhelms me. The thought just overwhelms me. I'd always heard a lot about how Jesus is the "Good Shepherd" and we are His sheep and all that jazz, but it never really hit me just how deep and intimate this relationship really should be until I read John this time around. In John 10, Jesus talks about how He is the shepherd and we (Christians) are His sheep, and we know and respond to His voice only and will run away from a stranger because we don't recognize his voice. Isn't that powerful? Can you imagine a Christian so in tune with Christ and so in love with Him that anything that is not of Him is so jarring that it sends this person running in the opposite direction? And later on in the same chapter, He says: "I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep." To know God and be known by Him - it still blows my mind. I can't wrap my head around the idea. And later on: "For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father." What powerful, powerful words.
Even now I am speechless. Absolutely speechless.
I guess I'll leave y'alls with a verse and a song:
"As the Scripture says, 'Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.' For there is no different between Jew and Gentile - the same LORD is LORD of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for 'Everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved.'" (Romans 10:11-13)
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