previously titled: on the nature of grief and the mercy of Christ, but now i don't know how to title this mess.

I remember starting this blog with the intention of using it to record my journey as a Christian, discovering God and the vastness of His love and mercy. It's been more than a year since I've posted. I didn't even remember the URL for this. It's just....it's Easter weekend and recently there've been some things that I found out and some things I've learned about myself that I feel like I really need to get my behind in shape (figuratively).

Throughout first year, I feel like I've grown a lot. In case you're wondering, I just finished my first year at Queen's University and will most likely major in psychology next year. Anyway. First time being away from home and all, I felt so blessed that I was raised in a Christian household and had already made a predecision to go to fellowship and church during university, because it would have been so easy to fall off the wagon and dive headfirst into sin. I mean. I was expecting the transition to be somewhat difficult, but I was not expecting it to be so lonely. It's partially a product of my own awkwardness, I guess, but the first couple days away from home were so tough. To say that I'm a sheltered child would be an understatement. I wouldn't say that I'm naive in any sense of the word, but still very young and still with very VERY VERY VERY much to learn. In my time of loneliness, however, my God was with me. God has been so faithful throughout this year, stretching me and molding me but comforting me and showing me in so many different ways that He is there. He is undeniably there.

To be honest, I didn't find much accountability at CCF. When I decided to go to CCF, it was based on one night during frosh week (Welcome Wednesday, lol) when I went and it just reminded me of Kyrios so much and all the frosh were being so open and vulnerable and I was like, "Wow, this is so amazing and encouraging!". And then frosh week ended, we got comfortable, and the vulnerability disappeared. Cliques formed and I found myself, for the most part, on the outside looking in - by choice. I just don't DO 24/7 hangouts and meals, y'know? That's just not me. I also found it very difficult to be vulnerable with people who didn't really appear as if they were listening half the time. At this point I should mention that everyone is at a different point in their spiritual walk, and I just happened to be at a very different point than most of the people I hang around in CCF. But God is so good, and gave me an accountability partner who struggles with much of what I struggle with and is someone I can open up to without fear of judgement or apathy. One friend like this is enough, truly. I've also grown a lot closer with the girl I call my best friend privately in my head. I really don't believe in labels like "best friend", but she's seriously my sister and we've been through so much together and I can't imagine my future with her there with me. Everytime I talk to her, I thank God for letting us have ten wonderful years together, and I pray that He will grant us more.

Rambly and apt to go on tangents. Yep, that's me.

Anyway, back to CCF. A couple weeks ago, before exams started, it was Grad Night, where all the years present something to the grads and some grads come up and share with the entire fellowship. I know it's "GRADS NIGHT', but honestly, I was so blessed by their sharing. I could relate to every single person who shared. There was one individual whose struggle was IDENTICAL to what I am struggling through, and it was just so encouraging. I think I truly realized for the first time that night that we are all such broken people. Every single one of us. It makes God's love for us all the more wondrous. He is so merciful, so patient, so loving.

Anyway. The reason why I ACTUALLY wanted to post today. Today is Easter Sunday, and as I watched four people get baptized, I was really touched by this one person's testimony and how I had no idea what this person was struggling through. I mean, it's not like we're close or anything, but hearing her story made me wish that I was brave enough to talk about my struggles in front of people like that. My own struggle with depression has been exhausting but I think I've been in remission (can I call it that?) for the past year or two-ish and I have no one to praise but God. After all this musing at church, I found out a little piece of news that devastated me on a rather personal level. Two years ago, when the grandfather who had basically raised me died halfway across the world mere weeks after I went to visit him, I learned what grief was. It's a curious feeling. I felt it again when I heard this piece of news. It's not even any of my business. But I guess it's because I care. I'm still struggling, at this moment, with my reaction. I'm torn between asking God "why?" and thanking Him for having a plan, but it's just very confusing.

Today, I also decided to pray for my brother everyday. Pray that he will go to fellowship and be able to develop a group of friends who can one day keep him accountable and also encourage him in his walk with God.

As you've probably realized by now, this blog is really really rambly and just a mesh of feelings and what God is doing in my life. Nothing utterly profound and nothing utterly poignant, but I just feel a need to get it out there. We're more connected than ever in this technological age, but also more isolated than ever. Isolation sucks. I mean, I love my alone time and everything, but more than ever I realize that when God created Adam and said that it is not good for man to be alone, He really meant it. We aren't created for isolation. We're created to be relational creatures. Yepppp.

Something I read while doing devos today. This was from one of Peter's sermons in Acts - the first one on the day of Pentecost. Starts from Acts 2:14 and continues from there, but I won't be posting that so read it yourself. What I want to address is the crowd's reaction to Peter's sermon:

"'Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ.'

When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, 'Brothers, what shall we do?'"
Acts 2: 36-37

Cut to the heart.
Cut to the heart.
They were cut to the heart.

I wonder.
How often are we cut to the heart by the magnitude of our guilt? Do we even realize it? Or have we become complacent within a world that tells us nothing's wrong as long as it feels right?

one year later...

I can't believe it's almost been a year since my last post here. That's probably because I tend to post on LiveJournal more (AKA my blog for non-serious business and therefore generally more fun, haha), but recently I've begun to sort of want to post here again. SO I WILL.

Anyway. Really, it all comes back to TC. It's been a year since last TC - which I fully expected to be my last, but somehow God brought me back to TC this year for one night. The last night of the Junior conference. It really felt like a full circle - the speaker, Jim Chen, had spoken during my very first TC, and again, during my very last TC experience. It was kind of cool. He was still an amazing and very inspiring speaker.

I think God brought me to that particular message for a very specific reason. The altar call was very different than all the other ones I've seen before at TC. Jim didn't ask for people who wanted to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour to come up. To be perfectly honest, I don't even remember what he said, but I do remember one thing very clearly - he told us that we really only have to step up and TRY, and God will do the rest. We don't have to do things on our own. Just have a little faith, and God will do the rest. He (Jim) asked us whether we knew where our passion for God would lead us, and told us that even if we didn't have a clear idea or a thought-out plan, all we needed to do was get our feet wet, and God would provide - whether it be resources, people, ideas, or even courage. Courage is the one thing that stood out to me the most. Mostly because courage is the one thing I lack the most.

The other thing that stood out the most to me Tuesday night was the atmosphere of urgency that I just couldn't ignore. There was something building up inside of me that just kicked me into desperate prayer for the people in the room. I literally prayed things like, "God, I wanna pray for this guy [looks at random person in front row] and this girl [looks at random person in front row] and this guy etc.etc." and I had no idea who these people were but I just knew I needed to pray for them.

I just. There are so many things I want to do for God. There really are. I just find it so hard to be a Christian in a world that despises Christians. Because quite frankly, I don't think we've ever seen a more hostile world than the one we live in today. Every day is like an uphill battle, with no end in sight. School is a moral wasteland, more so than ever before. Sometimes I look at myself and wonder how exactly I fell so far.

But. The amazing thing about God is that He's always waiting at the end of the road. When I come home, dirty and shameful and expecting the worst, He runs towards me, embraces me, and tells me He loves me. I am His prodigal daughter, and I don't have to be afraid. It's something that I understand innately and intellectually, but living as though I understand it is a completely different thing.

Have you ever felt so guilty about your sins that you can't even face Him? It's like. Don't. Even. Look at me.

I have no idea where this post is going, by the way. This is just sort of a rambling jumble of thoughts that probably make no sense to anyone but me. Which is totally cool.

Either way, I think this has been the push I needed. I see change on the horizon.

So at Kyrios yesterday, we had Bible study. And we were talking about the Holy Spirit.

I guess out of the Trinity, the Holy Spirit has always been the hardest one to understand for me. Maybe it's because we (in all honesty) don't discuss Him as often as we do the Father and the Son. Why is that?

I still sort of struggle withe concept of the Holy Spirit. He's supposed to be a person, but what exactly does that mean? How does He manifest Himself in us and around us? I mean, I'm sure a lot of us have felt the presence of the Spirit before, but just sort of FEEL and ACKNOWLEDGE without really KNOWING.

When I was younger - around 13 or so, there was a time when I was really in tune with God. And during this time, I discovered that the Holy Spirit residing inside me had a personality.

Sounds kind of crazy, doesn't it?

But it's true. I could honestly see a personality. It was kind of surreal, and kind of cool. But more than that, it felt intimate - like He was a good friend of mine.

I really want to be able to recapture that sort of closeness with God. I admit that I've definitely strayed a long way from Him within the past 2 years - more so than ever before. But at the same time, I've matured a lot as a person these past two years and now I really have a clear idea of what I want in life - and that is to serve God.

This is my dream: to be able to serve God by working in missions with a medical focus. It would be amazing for me to be able to work in China, spreading the Word to "my" people or just living out a life of God's love there.

Of course, I still have a long way to go. Schooling aside, I need to grow in Christ a lot more. I need to know more so that I can answer questions as they come. But I'm not going to worry too much about that - I'll do my best and let God do the rest.

>>>

overload

I've cried more than I have in a year in these past couple of days.

First it was pre-TC, and then TC, and then post-TC.

Yeesh.

But waterworks aside, I've really spent the past couple of days simply reflecting. All the emotions and memories from the past six months have really accumulated into the two days when TC happened. Am I even using the word 'accumulated' right? Whatever. It doesn't matter.

It's just.
I don't even know.

TC has left some things very clear to me, and some things even more unclear. What do I do now? I don't want this TC to be like all the other ones I've attended, where I ride out the spiritual high for a month or two, and then slump back into complacency. This TC, more so than any of the other ones, has really emphasized to me the importance of change, and of allowing God to mold me into whatever He wants me to become. I need to become connected with Jesus. I can't make it on my own. There's just no way.

There's been some things (a lot of things, actually), that I haven't been able to let go of. I've prayed, and I've tried, and still - these things remain in my life. And the worst thing is that I KNOW I have to let go of these things before I can continue on with my walk with God. Because these things don't belong in my life. They shouldn't have a place in my life. When did I give them such an important place in my life? When did I allow these things to overtake God in importance? I can hardly believe I've put so much time into the 'now' when 'eternity' is what matters.

I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to "Rescue" again without wanting to cry. Cry, because it gets right to the heart of the matter for me - it hits all my weaknesses. Everything, in this one short song.

You are the source of life, I can't be left behind
No one else will do; I will take hold of You.

I need You Jesus, to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me (I will follow You)

Why should mindless obsessions have any place in my life? (There's no other name by which I am saved)
Why should a desire for more "stuff" have any place in my life? (This world has nothing for me)
Why should pride have any place in my life? (I need You Jesus, to come to my rescue)
Why should fear have any place in my life? (You are the source of life, I can't be left behind)

There truly is no other name by which I am saved. And I am being saved every day. Every single day.

It wasn't very long ago when I still struggled with the concept of salvation. But one day, it just hit me. Maybe it was during Sunday service. Or maybe Kyrios. I don't really remember. But it just came to me: salvation isn't a one-time thing. Where in the world had I come into contact with the belief that salvation was just that one prayer the speaker would lead the congregation into during conferences? It isn't! Until the day I reach perfection, I will need to be saved. But I will never be perfect, so I will always need to be saved.

One of my coaches this year shared how growing up, he had always longed for an "inspiring" testimony, one where maybe he was a drug addict and a gangster and he totally changed when he met Christ. But he had been born into a Christian family and was raised as a Christian. All the time, I hear amazing stories of God's grace working in the lives of very broken people, people who have ventured far off the path He intended for them. And it's equally amazing to see these people being so ON FIRE for Christ.

I was born in a Christian family too. I knew all the Bible stories. I memorized all the verses. I could answer all the questions in the right way. People always told me how mature and good I was. I was your typical good little Christian girl. And yet, these past 3 years have brought me more struggles than I could care to count. I have drifted so far away from God. But then again, maybe I was never close to Him to begin with. I knew OF Christ, but I don't think I truly ever KNEW Him. I never tried to run after Him, never tried to search for Him in my life. There have even been two instances where I can clearly remember wanting to walk away from God forever.

And still I remain.

I can't even begin to fathom the depth of God's mercy and grace.
I can't even imagine.