trust.

Life has been hard lately.

I'm going to apologize in advance because this will be a bit of a downer post, but really it isn't because there's so much joy in knowing that God is in control of the entire situation. I will wait and I will trust.

Last Friday, one of my housemates' mom passed away. We found out on Monday. I remember waking up on Tuesday morning completely dazed and wondering whether or not it had actually happened, or whether it was just a bad dream. Reality always hits me in the morning, and I know it's not a dream. My friend was vague about the details of what had happened, but I found out yesterday night that it was suicide. I think in the back of my head I knew that that was what had happened, but hearing it confirmed is so surreal. I go to sleep again, and when I wake up I'm dazed again. In class I'm typing and listening to music and marveling at God's awesome creation (we were studying diatoms. LOL!) and I just wanted to cry. Why do these things happen? Suicide is such an ugly, revealing reality. I think I'm still too dazed to be heartbroken.

I guess I've just been praying and praying and waiting. Tonight during fellowship, I heard God tell me very clearly: "I'm here." It was just so comforting and His Spirit was wrapped around me and my heart and it was so very amazing. It's just throughout this time my friends have been so encouraging and supportive and I guess in turn I've been praying and trying to be a mirror of God's love and compassion to my housemate and God is so clearly working in this situation...I don't even know. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here.

I think what I'm trying to get at is that through it all, I know that God is still good. He is still faithful. Honestly speaking, I don't know whether or not I could say the same thing if it was my mother. But I just pray that God will change me and bend me to His will and make me fall so deep in love with Him that I would be able to say such a thing in a situation like that. God is still so good to me. He is so good to me and I don't deserve any of it, but I am so, SO grateful that He is compassionate and kind and merciful. I feel so comforted by His presence and by the assurance of His love. He is here. He is present. He is alive and working at this moment. I will wait.