I was reading through my old journals tonight, and came across the thoughts of a very much boy-crazy 13 year old child. It's crazy how much things can change in just 5 years.

"May 24, 2009
I said I was going to let go. Seriously, who am I kidding? Why do I even try?


September 3, 2009
It's already nearing the start of the school year, and I'm still asking myself that question.

I saw him for the first time in months two days ago. I don't really know what I feel for him right now. But I still think he's perfect for me. He's everything I want. Everything.

What am I going to do?


September 4, 2009
__ was the first time I cried myself to sleep because of a boy. And while I doubt he will be the last, I want to close this chapter in my life. I don't know whether I have the strength to do so.


March 23, 2010
It's funny how time changes some things, and other things, none at all. I think I'm beginning to let myself contemplate new beginnings again, but in the end it all comes down to him."


Again, I just have to reiterate how much time changes things. If I had to write a diary entry tonight, it'd probably read something like this:

"October 8, 2011
It's Thanksgiving weekend, and I'm finally home after a month at school. There is so much to be thankful for, and I think I fully realize that for the first time. I know I'm not always going to be able to keep from taking things for granted, but there is a new kind of awareness now. These past few weeks I feel like I've been taking a crash course in "The World From God's Point Of View Instead Of My Point Of View" and it's been so crazy and so hard, but there's been so much joy in knowing that I am safe in God's large, capable, mighty hands. I'm safe. I have purpose because He is my purpose. I don't know where I'm going, but I trust in the Person who has the map. I'll be okay."

I feel like my heart is waking up again.

I used to think [boy] would have been perfect for me. I used to be "brave". I used to be "assertive" when it came to boys I liked. And in the end all I was left with was a diary full of bitterness and childhood angst.

This time around, I'll put all my trust in the Lord. He knows the desires of my heart. I'm not going to resort to my own methods, nor will I run away into denial and repression.

I'll leave you all with a Psalm that has lifted me up from the darkness, from those mornings when I woke up and wondered if everything was just a bad dream, from those moments when I texted my parents and they didn't reply immediately and I got scared for a minute.

Psalm 30^[a]

    A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple.^[b] Of David.

 ¹ I will exalt you, LORD,
   for you lifted me out of the depths
   and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² LORD my God, I called to you for help,
   and you healed me.
³ You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
   you spared me from going down to the pit.

 ⁴ Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
   praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
   but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
   but rejoicing comes in the morning.