I know it's been a while and it's in the thick of exam season right now (sigh), but I've been feeling the need to post this for a while. This post is primarily for my sisters in Christ, but I'm sure our brothers could learn a thing or two about how to guard the hearts of the girls they worship and serve with.
I don't think I'm alone in saying that it is so difficult for a young woman of God to learn how to find her full satisfaction in Christ. We are constantly surrounded by messages that we need to be beautiful, we need to be alluring, we need to provocative and assertive in order to get the man of our dreams. This whole movement of female empowerment seems to give a message that women don't need men for self-validation (and this message, at its core, is not incorrect), but the fact that this grew out of a desperate desire to free ourselves from a highly misogynistic and patriarchal/male-dominated society still reveals how our identities as women are still undeniably dependent on the men in our lives. And yes, that's just my opinion, but this opinion has been built on years of observing how the girls in and around my life (including myself!) trip over themselves trying to receive love and admiration from guys.
Why is this the case? I think that at the core of it, we must go back to the Fall of Man and the judgment of God - "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (Genesis 3:16) What was once good and perfect was defiled by sin, and we are still reaping the consequences of this. This situation would seem unbearably dire if not for the Gospel - that although our sin in the face of God's holiness should justly require punishment, God in His unfathomable love and grace provided His own Son Jesus Christ as a blameless and perfect sacrificial substitute to die on the cross and take on His righteous wrath for the sin of humanity, and that in Christ's subsequent resurrection and victory over death, we too can be free from the chains of sin and shame and have eternal life (that is, knowing God) if we repent of our sins and believe that Christ is our risen and victorious Saviour. Once saved, we are able to fight against our sinful human nature and the consequences of such a nature through the power and work of the Holy Spirit, who indwells us at the moment we repent and believe.
How, then, is this relevant to the matter at hand? The fact is, there is no man on earth who can truly satisfy the desires of a woman. I may look and look for years and try on relationships like a girl tries on shoes to try to find a perfect fit, to find my Prince Charming and happy ending the way that all the Disney princesses seem to be able to do, but I will fail, and be left emptier and sadder than before. You know I'm leading up to this, but there is only one answer to this dilemma: Find your satisfaction in Christ alone.
Now, this isn't anything new. It's the epitome of a Sunday School answer, but it is the truth. The question really is - how do I continually remind myself of this truth through the ups and downs of daily life, through my daily interactions with guys and as I navigate the various relationships in my life? Say it all together now - the Word of God! There is nothing like Scripture to remind us of the truth in God's promises, and God's promises are the things we should cling to. In my own life, I've noticed a bunch of things that I feel like girls desperately want from guys, but really should be getting from God. And that's NOT to say that these things are not things that a husband should strive to provide for his wife, but even a husband who is as closely to perfect as humanly possible will fall short compared to how God provides these things for us. God is, after all, perfect. And again, this list is not exhaustive, but in all honesty is just a reminder for myself that God is completely sufficient.
1. Recognition - Don't know if this is just me, but there is a part of me that desperately wants to be recognized for who I am. And you know what the amazing thing is? I am known by God. The God who is Master of the universe and who created the stars that take my breath away at night - He knows me. CRAZYYY.
John 10:2-4; 14-15 - "The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice...I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep."
1 Corinthians 8:3 - "But the[woman] who loves God is known by God."
2. Comfort - We all want a guy who we can run to and talk to when we're feeling down and lost. We want him to be understanding and to hold us and tell us things will be alright. And if your significant other does so - praise God! But whether or not he does or doesn't (or if he exists yet), God is the ultimate and perfect provider of comfort.
1 Peter 5:6-7 - "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may life you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Psalm 25:16-18 - "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins."
3. Security - At least for me, this is something huge. It is scary for a girl to feel like she is without security or foothold, without assurance of things to come. And you know what - we can rest completely and absolutely in the truth of God's promises that He is with us wherever we go.
Psalm 16:8-10 - "I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave"
Psalm 27:1 - "The LORD is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 46:1-3 - "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."
Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
4. Intimacy - Why do you think it's so easy for girls to give their heart away? Because we long for intimacy. To know someone deeply and be known in return on a deep and visceral level. And no one knows this better than God Himself.
Hosea 2:14-15 - "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt."
John 10:14-15 - "I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep."
5. Love - I'll be completely honest here: this is a hypothesis on my part. And I say this because even now, I'm not quite sure what love is. Doesn't that sound kind of silly? But in all honesty, I really don't. I can't say I've been in love before. I definitely can't say that I understand what God's love is. But I feel like we girls grasp at every straw we possibly can in order to experience this thing called love - and it very clearly says in Scripture that God is the origin and source of love, and His love is pure and holy and perfect. Why look in puddles when we have access to the entire ocean?
Jeremiah 31:3 - "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."
John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Romans 8:38-39 - "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, no any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our LORD."
Zephaniah 3:17 - "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with his singing."
Psalm 103:11 - "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him"
Let us always be reminded of the unimaginable satisfaction of the fullness of joy we find in Christ alone.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
because God is good.
"No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse."
(Psalm 25:3)
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse."
(Psalm 25:3)
"The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want."
(Psalm 23:1)
"And surely I am with you always,
to the very end of the age."
(Matthew 28:20)
"'Shout and be glad, O Daughter of Zion.
For I am coming, and I will live among you,' declares the LORD."
(Zechariah 1:10)
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
for frenzied days and lonely nights
"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted."
(Psalm 25:16)
(Psalm 25:16)
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
Your walls are ever before me."
(Isaiah 4:15-16)
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
(Zephaniah 3:17)
"Be still, and know that I am God"
(Psalm 46:10)
Friday, October 12, 2012
over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." (Song of Songs 2:7)
It is never a good idea to bare your soul to the Internet, and this is why I am really giving quite an abbreviated version what of what this post could have been right now. There really is so much joy in my life through all the busyness right now, and so much that I'm learning and being challenged with that I want to share with you all! This week has been tough both physically and mentally, with 2 midterms (finally done, PTL!), 1 quiz, and 2 large essays/papers that are due on Monday and Wednesday. It's been stressful, but praise God that I've been able to get through most of it with my sanity intact and with my relationship with Him unscathed :)
As I've mentioned before, for the past month or so I've been so challenged to find all my fulfillment and contentment in Christ alone, and it's gotten even harder recently. It's kind of strange to say that it's hard because while it's not untrue, there has also been so much joy in coming to the LORD on my knees and struggling in prayer, and knowing that He's right there and that He has willed this time of challenges and struggle for His glory and for my good. I am so excited to see what He has in store for me, and sometimes it's such a battle for patience and faith!
Anyway. Tonight we had a "brief" DG meeting (haha, still took us 2 hours!) and afterwards I had a bit of a chat with my DGL. A lot of friendship dynamics in our year have been changing and I'd been feeling a little lost, and this was something that I really needed to get accountability for, and I knew my DGL was the girl to go to :) As we talked and shared, I came to a rather funny realization. And this is funny and makes me feel slightly stupid because it's so basic, but it just highlights God's wisdom and perfect timing even more. As we were wrapping up in what I told her, my DGL said she was going to pray for me, and then asked me whether I was going to pray to ask God to take away the distraction of attraction, or to take away the attraction itself. I was kind of still for a minute, because I realized right then and there that distraction ABOUT attraction (i.e., making him into an idol, having him become such a persistent thought in my mind that he becomes number 1) and attraction ITSELF are two completely different things! It is quite possible to have one (attraction) without the other (distraction), for all things are possible through God who gives us strength! I guess all my life I'd been told to "wait", whatever that meant. It's just. What was I waiting for, exactly? The "right" guy? For me to be "ready"? What did this all even mean?
When this first started becoming a conscious thing for me, I remember praying to God about it and kind of asking Him to protect my heart and keep Him first in my life, because I knew how easily I nosedived into these kinds of things, and I felt Him ask me: "Nicole, if I take this away right now, would you be okay with that? Would you still trust in me and praise My Name?" Honestly, I wasn't able to answer at that time. Now, I can honestly say, "Yes LORD." After all, what do I have that God did not first bless me with? I am not my own; I am Christ's.
Basically, my point is this - never in my life have I ever liked anyone without feeling guilt, or feeling like I'm wrong about it for one reason or another, like I shouldn't have those feelings in first place. But I am realizing now that 1) romantic love has been created by God, 2) it is beautiful and blessed by God if it occurs at His intended time, and 3) if this is something that God chooses to bless me with, I must learn how to accept it with thanksgiving. And if God chooses to close the door on this, I will not be ashamed of myself, because I know that 1) my pride is nothing, and 2) God was the one who was in control and led my every step.
I pray that I might fall deeper and deeper in love with Christ and that His place as number one in my heart will be steadfast and unwavering.
It is never a good idea to bare your soul to the Internet, and this is why I am really giving quite an abbreviated version what of what this post could have been right now. There really is so much joy in my life through all the busyness right now, and so much that I'm learning and being challenged with that I want to share with you all! This week has been tough both physically and mentally, with 2 midterms (finally done, PTL!), 1 quiz, and 2 large essays/papers that are due on Monday and Wednesday. It's been stressful, but praise God that I've been able to get through most of it with my sanity intact and with my relationship with Him unscathed :)
As I've mentioned before, for the past month or so I've been so challenged to find all my fulfillment and contentment in Christ alone, and it's gotten even harder recently. It's kind of strange to say that it's hard because while it's not untrue, there has also been so much joy in coming to the LORD on my knees and struggling in prayer, and knowing that He's right there and that He has willed this time of challenges and struggle for His glory and for my good. I am so excited to see what He has in store for me, and sometimes it's such a battle for patience and faith!
Anyway. Tonight we had a "brief" DG meeting (haha, still took us 2 hours!) and afterwards I had a bit of a chat with my DGL. A lot of friendship dynamics in our year have been changing and I'd been feeling a little lost, and this was something that I really needed to get accountability for, and I knew my DGL was the girl to go to :) As we talked and shared, I came to a rather funny realization. And this is funny and makes me feel slightly stupid because it's so basic, but it just highlights God's wisdom and perfect timing even more. As we were wrapping up in what I told her, my DGL said she was going to pray for me, and then asked me whether I was going to pray to ask God to take away the distraction of attraction, or to take away the attraction itself. I was kind of still for a minute, because I realized right then and there that distraction ABOUT attraction (i.e., making him into an idol, having him become such a persistent thought in my mind that he becomes number 1) and attraction ITSELF are two completely different things! It is quite possible to have one (attraction) without the other (distraction), for all things are possible through God who gives us strength! I guess all my life I'd been told to "wait", whatever that meant. It's just. What was I waiting for, exactly? The "right" guy? For me to be "ready"? What did this all even mean?
When this first started becoming a conscious thing for me, I remember praying to God about it and kind of asking Him to protect my heart and keep Him first in my life, because I knew how easily I nosedived into these kinds of things, and I felt Him ask me: "Nicole, if I take this away right now, would you be okay with that? Would you still trust in me and praise My Name?" Honestly, I wasn't able to answer at that time. Now, I can honestly say, "Yes LORD." After all, what do I have that God did not first bless me with? I am not my own; I am Christ's.
Basically, my point is this - never in my life have I ever liked anyone without feeling guilt, or feeling like I'm wrong about it for one reason or another, like I shouldn't have those feelings in first place. But I am realizing now that 1) romantic love has been created by God, 2) it is beautiful and blessed by God if it occurs at His intended time, and 3) if this is something that God chooses to bless me with, I must learn how to accept it with thanksgiving. And if God chooses to close the door on this, I will not be ashamed of myself, because I know that 1) my pride is nothing, and 2) God was the one who was in control and led my every step.
I pray that I might fall deeper and deeper in love with Christ and that His place as number one in my heart will be steadfast and unwavering.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
"And Heaven can't contain the glory of the Son."
Tonight I was struck by the sudden desire to fall irresistibly and irreversibly in love with Christ Jesus. It's always something I hear people talk about and it all sounds incredibly wonderful and intimate and utterly satisfying and it's something I don't have. I think one of the hardest/most challenging things I've had to learn on this journey so far is that head knowledge =/= believing it in your heart, and that God's perfect timing in our lives often doesn't coincide with our preferred timing. It sounds simple enough to understand, but being in the midst of this waiting is, quite frankly, painful. It's like. I know there is so much more in store and I want it so bad, and I want to want God with every fiber of my being, but I don't. It's not exactly something people are clamoring to admit, y'know?
I remember reading on someone's blog/or something like that several months ago that she read the Gospel of John like she would a love letter. It just stuck with me, and I decided to read John with fresh eyes. To my utter delight, I could see exactly what she was getting at. Now, I'm not really sure whether this is a "correct" way of looking at it, but there are so many parts in John that are beautifully intimate and loving and that every word and phrase in the Bible has been intended by God to be written in that exact way - it just overwhelms me. The thought just overwhelms me. I'd always heard a lot about how Jesus is the "Good Shepherd" and we are His sheep and all that jazz, but it never really hit me just how deep and intimate this relationship really should be until I read John this time around. In John 10, Jesus talks about how He is the shepherd and we (Christians) are His sheep, and we know and respond to His voice only and will run away from a stranger because we don't recognize his voice. Isn't that powerful? Can you imagine a Christian so in tune with Christ and so in love with Him that anything that is not of Him is so jarring that it sends this person running in the opposite direction? And later on in the same chapter, He says: "I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep." To know God and be known by Him - it still blows my mind. I can't wrap my head around the idea. And later on: "For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father." What powerful, powerful words.
Even now I am speechless. Absolutely speechless.
I guess I'll leave y'alls with a verse and a song:
"As the Scripture says, 'Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.' For there is no different between Jew and Gentile - the same LORD is LORD of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for 'Everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved.'" (Romans 10:11-13)
I remember reading on someone's blog/or something like that several months ago that she read the Gospel of John like she would a love letter. It just stuck with me, and I decided to read John with fresh eyes. To my utter delight, I could see exactly what she was getting at. Now, I'm not really sure whether this is a "correct" way of looking at it, but there are so many parts in John that are beautifully intimate and loving and that every word and phrase in the Bible has been intended by God to be written in that exact way - it just overwhelms me. The thought just overwhelms me. I'd always heard a lot about how Jesus is the "Good Shepherd" and we are His sheep and all that jazz, but it never really hit me just how deep and intimate this relationship really should be until I read John this time around. In John 10, Jesus talks about how He is the shepherd and we (Christians) are His sheep, and we know and respond to His voice only and will run away from a stranger because we don't recognize his voice. Isn't that powerful? Can you imagine a Christian so in tune with Christ and so in love with Him that anything that is not of Him is so jarring that it sends this person running in the opposite direction? And later on in the same chapter, He says: "I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep." To know God and be known by Him - it still blows my mind. I can't wrap my head around the idea. And later on: "For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father." What powerful, powerful words.
Even now I am speechless. Absolutely speechless.
I guess I'll leave y'alls with a verse and a song:
"As the Scripture says, 'Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.' For there is no different between Jew and Gentile - the same LORD is LORD of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for 'Everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved.'" (Romans 10:11-13)
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
as deep cries out to deep
Change. It's funny how people change. It's funny how I change. All my life I've identified with the older brother in the tale of the prodigal son, and yet now I find myself smack dab in the middle of the younger son's (mis)adventures. I'm still stuck in the mud though. Still wondering whether or not my Father will take me back, at least as a servant. Haven't quite mustered up the courage to climb out of the pigpen and start on the long journey home. Maybe it's because I'm not quite sure what I'll find on the horizon as home comes into view.
Why do I doubt? God does not lie. My soul aches for the presence of God, but I'm too afraid to even venture out of this pit. The fact that God loves me still hasn't made its way from my head into my heart.
But still -
"Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'
These things I remember as I pour out my soul; how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.
My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon - from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock, 'Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?'
My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God."
Why do I doubt? God does not lie. My soul aches for the presence of God, but I'm too afraid to even venture out of this pit. The fact that God loves me still hasn't made its way from my head into my heart.
But still -
"Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'
These things I remember as I pour out my soul; how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.
My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon - from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock, 'Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?'
My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God."
Saturday, June 2, 2012
tonight.
God asked for my posters tonight. One by one I tore them down from my walls, rolled them up, and put them away. He also asked for my folders of Internet stories. I deleted them - and emptied the Trash - before I could regret it. For the first time ever, I want God more than anything else. These are idols and addictions I have indulged in for years, but the fear of God thrums deep in the pit of my stomach, and I must strike while the iron is hot.
For, "as the deer pants for the streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?" There is no satisfaction in earthly things. The world around me is falling apart, and believe me - this is no preteen angst-fest. There is a deep desire in me for something more, because the things of this world do not satisfy. "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." For weeks now I have felt so far from God, but it is like He is calling me out of the desert and saying, "I am here with you. I am your God. Remove these idols from your life, and return to me."
Several months ago I was captivated by the Word. I pored over it, prayed over it, burned it deep within my heart. Now I feel far. I am re-acquainting myself with these once-treasured verses. One step forward and two steps back, but even now I know that God has been changing me.
"The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:8-12)
And more,
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)
Lastly,
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." (Psalm 46:10-11)
For, "as the deer pants for the streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?" There is no satisfaction in earthly things. The world around me is falling apart, and believe me - this is no preteen angst-fest. There is a deep desire in me for something more, because the things of this world do not satisfy. "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." For weeks now I have felt so far from God, but it is like He is calling me out of the desert and saying, "I am here with you. I am your God. Remove these idols from your life, and return to me."
Several months ago I was captivated by the Word. I pored over it, prayed over it, burned it deep within my heart. Now I feel far. I am re-acquainting myself with these once-treasured verses. One step forward and two steps back, but even now I know that God has been changing me.
"The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalm 103:8-12)
And more,
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)
Lastly,
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." (Psalm 46:10-11)
Friday, April 20, 2012
in You.
Today was the last CCF meeting of the school year - a pretty informal one, one with simple acoustic worship and just some members of our committee sharing about their experiences during summer away from school. It was just massively encouraging because they were so honest about their experiences back at their home churches, about how strange it was and how shallow it seemed sometimes; how they felt distant from their church friends and stilted in their spiritual walk, as if they were wracked with thirst and unable to find any respite.
This is something I've been nervous about recently. As the year draws to a close, thinking about going back to my home church and fellowship is kind of weird and scary at the same time. It's weird because it doesn't really feel like home anymore, and it's scary because I don't want to fall backwards off the tracks (spiritually). There's such a lack of accountability and real conversation in many of our home churches, and it's discouraging. Our CCF chair compared this to the plague of locusts in the book of Joel, when the people were starving, the animals were starving, and there was not a single living plant that the locusts had not ravaged - not only were the Israelites unable to eat, but because of their dying livestock, they were unable to make sacrifices to the Lord and worship Him ("Grain offerings and drink offerings are cut off from the house of the LORD." Joel 1:9). Does it sometimes feel like it's so hard to get right with God, to worship at His feet, when we're in such dry circumstances?
That isn't an excuse. It says in Psalm 51:16-17: "You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Further on in Joel, the Lord confirms this: "'Even now,' declares the LORD, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.' Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." (Joel 2:12-13)
"Rend your heart and not your garments." Or, as my CCF chair put it, "God doesn't want your stuff, He wants you." We have to go to Him in prayer! What can we possibly do for ourselves in situations like these? Nothing. Any effort in and of ourselves is in vain. I say this because I've been there. Trying to do it on my own is tiring. It's like running on empty. It IS running on empty.
The end of this book is incredibly uplifting: "The LORD will roar from Zion and thunder from Jerusalem; the earth and the sky will tremble. But the LORD will be a refuge for his people, a stronghold for the people of Israel. Then you will know that I, the LORD your God, dwell in Zion, my holy hill. Jerusalem will be holy; never again will foreigners invade her." (Joel 3:16-17)
Pray, pray, pray. The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it. He is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. We can do everything through Him who gives us strength, but apart from Him we can do nothing.
This is something I've been nervous about recently. As the year draws to a close, thinking about going back to my home church and fellowship is kind of weird and scary at the same time. It's weird because it doesn't really feel like home anymore, and it's scary because I don't want to fall backwards off the tracks (spiritually). There's such a lack of accountability and real conversation in many of our home churches, and it's discouraging. Our CCF chair compared this to the plague of locusts in the book of Joel, when the people were starving, the animals were starving, and there was not a single living plant that the locusts had not ravaged - not only were the Israelites unable to eat, but because of their dying livestock, they were unable to make sacrifices to the Lord and worship Him ("Grain offerings and drink offerings are cut off from the house of the LORD." Joel 1:9). Does it sometimes feel like it's so hard to get right with God, to worship at His feet, when we're in such dry circumstances?
That isn't an excuse. It says in Psalm 51:16-17: "You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Further on in Joel, the Lord confirms this: "'Even now,' declares the LORD, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.' Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." (Joel 2:12-13)
"Rend your heart and not your garments." Or, as my CCF chair put it, "God doesn't want your stuff, He wants you." We have to go to Him in prayer! What can we possibly do for ourselves in situations like these? Nothing. Any effort in and of ourselves is in vain. I say this because I've been there. Trying to do it on my own is tiring. It's like running on empty. It IS running on empty.
The end of this book is incredibly uplifting: "The LORD will roar from Zion and thunder from Jerusalem; the earth and the sky will tremble. But the LORD will be a refuge for his people, a stronghold for the people of Israel. Then you will know that I, the LORD your God, dwell in Zion, my holy hill. Jerusalem will be holy; never again will foreigners invade her." (Joel 3:16-17)
Pray, pray, pray. The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it. He is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. We can do everything through Him who gives us strength, but apart from Him we can do nothing.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
this is our God
Good morning! Or afternoon, I guess? Every Sunday I am just reminded of how blessed I am to be able to worship with my brothers and sisters without fear of persecution. We have a lovely place on campus where we're able to congregate, and it's something we're so, SO thankful for :)
Anyway - something I feel like I should share. The pastor speaking at our church is always very good, but today especially I just felt God speaking so clearly to me through him. The passage we went through today was Mark 4:1-20 (we have expository preaching at our church and so this is just where we happened to end off in Mark from last week) - the parable of the sower.
This parable is something I've probably heard hundreds of times, in various settings. It is only today, nineteen years after I set little socked feet into a church, that this has become real on any level to me. From seed scattered on a path and quickly eaten, to seed in shallow, rocky soil with no root, to seed among thorns and choked by the worries of the world, to finally, good soil upon which seed can bear fruit - I can clearly place seasons of life into each category. I don't know why, growing up, I thought these categories were kind of all-or-nothing - you either are, or you're not. Never before today have I seen it as a progression.
Something I heard today that is just so true - no one is BORN Christian; we were all seeds from the first category (v.15) at one point, dead in our sin and and with hardened hearts, an unsaved person under Satan's dominion. I was once this wretched being, unable to understand God's Word and rejecting His love.
Moving onto v.16-17, these are the seeds who hear the Word and immediately and joyfully receive it, but as soon as trials comes "because of the Word", immediately fall away. I, too, was once like this - after all, who wouldn't want to go to Heaven? Sounds great! Sounds like an amazing deal! Jesus came to save and now I can go to Heaven! But from WHAT was I being saved? Where is the conviction? In what way was I "cut to the heart", and where was my repentance (Acts 2:37-38)? It's very easy to praise God when we feel good and when life goes our way, but what about when everything falls in shambles around you? Am I still able to say "Lord, You are good, and I will trust in Your will"?
The third group (v.18-19) of seeds are described as being sown among thorns/worldly worries and materialism, which come in and "choke the word, making it unfruitful". For the longest time, this was my life. This described my life perfectly. And the saddest thing is that I never even knew. I thought I was doing alright, but my life was devoid of good fruit and full of earthly cares - money, popularity, looks, parties, boys. My heart was muddied with earthly things instead of with "things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God" (Colossians 3:1). As Jesus says in John 15:4, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." I burned myself out, trying to do things my own way and with my own strength. My service in the church either became an obligation or was for the wrong reasons. I did not love. I was selfish. I lived like one still bound by sin and shame.
And finally, the last group of seeds (v.20) fell on good soil and was fruitful. How do we become good soil? Again, growing up, I thought that some people were just somehow "good soil" - like how I grew up in the church, and therefore I must be saved and be one of these seeds falling on "good soil". How I wish I didn't grow up with this kind of a false understanding of His Word! It really is all by God's grace that I, selfish and misguided as I was, became saved. In Romans 3:12 it says "All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one," and in James 1:16-17 it says "Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." Every good and perfect thing is from God; apart from Him we can do nothing. It is God who turns our sinful, hardened hearts of stone into new, living hearts of flesh; in Him we become NEW CREATIONS. No one is born with good soil in their hearts; it is God who turns the rocky and infertile heart into one with good soil upon which the seed is sown and bears fruit. When I think about this, this verse comes into my mind again: "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26)
As God continues to reveal the truth of His Word to me and as I begin to gain a deeper understanding of what it means to worship a Holy God, the meaning behind Jesus' words become clearer to me when He said, "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." (Matthew 26:41b) Again, as Paul says in Romans 7:24, "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" When I heard the first verse, I used to think that it meant something like, oh, I'm tired and can't wake up even though I want to. Literally. I kid you not, that was what I thought the verse meant. But as I am beginning to take seriously God's call to be courageous and fight the good fight of faith against sin and temptation, more and more I'm beginning to feel that this verse is referring to the human condition itself - my soul desires with everything I am to love God the way I am commanded to - with all my heart, strength, soul, and mind, but my body and fleshly desires claw at me and will not relent in trying to pull me away from this Holy God. Indeed, what a wretched being I am.
Sounds like such a downer post, doesn't this? But I think the amazing thing is that as I'm beginning to realize the implications of worshiping a Holy God and coming to realizations like the one above, God is drawing me closer to the truth of His love. In all honesty, I don't know what love is. I've heard much about it, I use it all the time in daily language (although I'm trying to stop :P), but what does it actually mean? What does it look like or feel like? I dunno. This is why I find it so difficult to understand the love of God as it is preached in churches. I think for most of my life I just accepted that "God is love" and "He so loved the world" and whatnot without really understanding what love is. I'm still not sure what God is telling me and showing me these days, but for the past two weeks or so I've really felt a burden to dig in the Word and find out where God is demonstrating that He is a God of love and to see for myself what it looks and feels like. It's kind of funny, because I've recently also been challenged to lay my desires for romance at Jesus' feet and learn what it means to have Him as my first love and to give Him my entire heart. Is this what it feels like to be pursued by God? This uncertainty interspersed with a very real desire to know Him and feel His love, these little glimpses of what He's like and how He's working in my life at this very moment.
Okay long post is long. All I can say is that God is faithful and can be trusted because His Word is good, and is so, SO worthy of everything we have. He'll take care of you.
Anyway - something I feel like I should share. The pastor speaking at our church is always very good, but today especially I just felt God speaking so clearly to me through him. The passage we went through today was Mark 4:1-20 (we have expository preaching at our church and so this is just where we happened to end off in Mark from last week) - the parable of the sower.
This parable is something I've probably heard hundreds of times, in various settings. It is only today, nineteen years after I set little socked feet into a church, that this has become real on any level to me. From seed scattered on a path and quickly eaten, to seed in shallow, rocky soil with no root, to seed among thorns and choked by the worries of the world, to finally, good soil upon which seed can bear fruit - I can clearly place seasons of life into each category. I don't know why, growing up, I thought these categories were kind of all-or-nothing - you either are, or you're not. Never before today have I seen it as a progression.
Something I heard today that is just so true - no one is BORN Christian; we were all seeds from the first category (v.15) at one point, dead in our sin and and with hardened hearts, an unsaved person under Satan's dominion. I was once this wretched being, unable to understand God's Word and rejecting His love.
Moving onto v.16-17, these are the seeds who hear the Word and immediately and joyfully receive it, but as soon as trials comes "because of the Word", immediately fall away. I, too, was once like this - after all, who wouldn't want to go to Heaven? Sounds great! Sounds like an amazing deal! Jesus came to save and now I can go to Heaven! But from WHAT was I being saved? Where is the conviction? In what way was I "cut to the heart", and where was my repentance (Acts 2:37-38)? It's very easy to praise God when we feel good and when life goes our way, but what about when everything falls in shambles around you? Am I still able to say "Lord, You are good, and I will trust in Your will"?
The third group (v.18-19) of seeds are described as being sown among thorns/worldly worries and materialism, which come in and "choke the word, making it unfruitful". For the longest time, this was my life. This described my life perfectly. And the saddest thing is that I never even knew. I thought I was doing alright, but my life was devoid of good fruit and full of earthly cares - money, popularity, looks, parties, boys. My heart was muddied with earthly things instead of with "things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God" (Colossians 3:1). As Jesus says in John 15:4, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." I burned myself out, trying to do things my own way and with my own strength. My service in the church either became an obligation or was for the wrong reasons. I did not love. I was selfish. I lived like one still bound by sin and shame.
And finally, the last group of seeds (v.20) fell on good soil and was fruitful. How do we become good soil? Again, growing up, I thought that some people were just somehow "good soil" - like how I grew up in the church, and therefore I must be saved and be one of these seeds falling on "good soil". How I wish I didn't grow up with this kind of a false understanding of His Word! It really is all by God's grace that I, selfish and misguided as I was, became saved. In Romans 3:12 it says "All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one," and in James 1:16-17 it says "Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." Every good and perfect thing is from God; apart from Him we can do nothing. It is God who turns our sinful, hardened hearts of stone into new, living hearts of flesh; in Him we become NEW CREATIONS. No one is born with good soil in their hearts; it is God who turns the rocky and infertile heart into one with good soil upon which the seed is sown and bears fruit. When I think about this, this verse comes into my mind again: "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26)
As God continues to reveal the truth of His Word to me and as I begin to gain a deeper understanding of what it means to worship a Holy God, the meaning behind Jesus' words become clearer to me when He said, "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." (Matthew 26:41b) Again, as Paul says in Romans 7:24, "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" When I heard the first verse, I used to think that it meant something like, oh, I'm tired and can't wake up even though I want to. Literally. I kid you not, that was what I thought the verse meant. But as I am beginning to take seriously God's call to be courageous and fight the good fight of faith against sin and temptation, more and more I'm beginning to feel that this verse is referring to the human condition itself - my soul desires with everything I am to love God the way I am commanded to - with all my heart, strength, soul, and mind, but my body and fleshly desires claw at me and will not relent in trying to pull me away from this Holy God. Indeed, what a wretched being I am.
Sounds like such a downer post, doesn't this? But I think the amazing thing is that as I'm beginning to realize the implications of worshiping a Holy God and coming to realizations like the one above, God is drawing me closer to the truth of His love. In all honesty, I don't know what love is. I've heard much about it, I use it all the time in daily language (although I'm trying to stop :P), but what does it actually mean? What does it look like or feel like? I dunno. This is why I find it so difficult to understand the love of God as it is preached in churches. I think for most of my life I just accepted that "God is love" and "He so loved the world" and whatnot without really understanding what love is. I'm still not sure what God is telling me and showing me these days, but for the past two weeks or so I've really felt a burden to dig in the Word and find out where God is demonstrating that He is a God of love and to see for myself what it looks and feels like. It's kind of funny, because I've recently also been challenged to lay my desires for romance at Jesus' feet and learn what it means to have Him as my first love and to give Him my entire heart. Is this what it feels like to be pursued by God? This uncertainty interspersed with a very real desire to know Him and feel His love, these little glimpses of what He's like and how He's working in my life at this very moment.
Okay long post is long. All I can say is that God is faithful and can be trusted because His Word is good, and is so, SO worthy of everything we have. He'll take care of you.
"Sing to the LORD, all the earth; proclaim his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples.
For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the nations are idols, but the LORD made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy in his dwelling place."
~1 Chronicles 16:23-27
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
magnificence
I am only beginning to learn to appreciate the beauty and poetry in the Word of God, but this is definitely something that stands out to me:
"He spreads out the northern skies over empty space; he suspends the earth over nothing.
He wraps up the waters in his clouds, yet the clouds do not burst under their weight.
He covers the face of the full moon, spreading his clouds over it.
He marks out the horizon on the face of the waters for a boundary between light and darkness.
The pillars of the heavens quake, aghast at his rebuke.
By this power he churned up the seas; by his wisdom he cut Rahab to pieces.
By his breath the skies became fair; his hand pierced the gliding serpent.
And these are but the outer fringe of his words; how faint the whisper we hear of him!
Who then can understand the thunder of his power?"
~Job 26:7-14
Monday, March 12, 2012
joy to the world
Something I think that God's really put on my heart for the past couple of months: joy. What exactly is joy? Why is it so important? For the longest time, I didn't even know how to begin answering those questions, and to be honest, didn't really think it mattered. I confess that I've always focused on other fruit of a Christian life, things that were seemingly more "applicable" to life - things like love, or kindness, or self-control. Still, I think it is no coincidence that joy is the second of the Fruit of the Spirit, preceded only by love. Even more, I don't think it's a surprise that God has led me to two verses that have been hugely encouraging for me in the past month or two, both of which have joy as a central theme:
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16)
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12)
It just struck me all of a sudden yesterday during church, because the gist of what my pastor was trying to say was that joy is the core nature of a redeemed child of God. Mark 2:18-22, which is what he preached on yesterday, has always kind of confused me. The part about not fasting when the bridegroom was with them, but fasting when he was taken away, and then the part about the wineskins - it just never made much sense to me. As my pastor explained it, fasting was traditionally only required by Jewish law on the Day of Atonement, when the high priest would enter the Holy of Holies and make a sacrifice. The fasting in this context was meant for the Israelites to mourn and grieve over the state of their sinfulness - the fact that this sacrifice/blood shed for their sin had to be made year after year, and look forward to the Redeemer who would wash away their sin once and for all. With this knowledge in mind, Jesus' words suddenly become clear - if the bridegroom, the Lamb who had come to be the perfect and completely sufficient sacrifice for all sin, was with us, then why on earth should we mourn? We should rejoice! The Light of the world has come; He will bear our sin on His shoulders and do away with it through His perfect blood. Joy is thus the result of Jesus with us, and cannot be manifest in any other way - no worldly happiness or material possession can offer us joy.
The funny thing about joy, I'm learning, is that it has nothing to do with emotion. Isn't that wonderful, though? To know that on your up days, and on your down days, and then on your downright AWFUL days, that you can still be joyful because the God you worship and serve and love is a God who is unchanging, a God who is sovereign, and a God who has already redeemed you and you can thus be completely secure in your salvation? When David committed adultery and murder, it took him a while to repent and be convicted of his sin. When he did repent, however, he wrote the beautiful Psalm 51 in response to his knowledge of God's saving grace. There is one verse that stands out to me particularly:
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." (Psalm 51:12)
Truth be told, I've been so out of it recently. It feels like I've lost all the joy I used to have when reading Scripture, and my prayers feel awkward and strange. And then I think that I'm not trying hard enough, and so I try harder, and still end up discouraged because nothing changes. I would wrack my brain trying to think of unconfessed sin and offer prayers that were more and more half-hearted when it felt like God just wasn't there. As I sat in church yesterday, listening to my pastor say that the core nature of a Christian was joy, I was just practically in tears. It was like I finally got a glimpse of what God was trying to tell me all along, and I was just overwhelmed with love and gratitude, because I knew that 1) God was there with me (Matthew 28:20) and 2) I can be joyful in spite of my day-to-day feelings (James 1:2-4).
My pastor finished up with acknowledging that most of us will wake up some mornings and just not feel joyful. We all have crummy days. He gave us one simple piece of advice: "Confess sin, pray, praise, linger in the Word of God". Praising God in the midst of our trials - isn't this where songs like "When the Tears Fall" and "Blessed be Your Name" come out of? It seems so counterintuitive to be able to genuinely praise God when all we want to do is curl up in bed, wallow in self-pity, and shake our fists at the world, but remember this: "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With me this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26)
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16)
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12)
It just struck me all of a sudden yesterday during church, because the gist of what my pastor was trying to say was that joy is the core nature of a redeemed child of God. Mark 2:18-22, which is what he preached on yesterday, has always kind of confused me. The part about not fasting when the bridegroom was with them, but fasting when he was taken away, and then the part about the wineskins - it just never made much sense to me. As my pastor explained it, fasting was traditionally only required by Jewish law on the Day of Atonement, when the high priest would enter the Holy of Holies and make a sacrifice. The fasting in this context was meant for the Israelites to mourn and grieve over the state of their sinfulness - the fact that this sacrifice/blood shed for their sin had to be made year after year, and look forward to the Redeemer who would wash away their sin once and for all. With this knowledge in mind, Jesus' words suddenly become clear - if the bridegroom, the Lamb who had come to be the perfect and completely sufficient sacrifice for all sin, was with us, then why on earth should we mourn? We should rejoice! The Light of the world has come; He will bear our sin on His shoulders and do away with it through His perfect blood. Joy is thus the result of Jesus with us, and cannot be manifest in any other way - no worldly happiness or material possession can offer us joy.
The funny thing about joy, I'm learning, is that it has nothing to do with emotion. Isn't that wonderful, though? To know that on your up days, and on your down days, and then on your downright AWFUL days, that you can still be joyful because the God you worship and serve and love is a God who is unchanging, a God who is sovereign, and a God who has already redeemed you and you can thus be completely secure in your salvation? When David committed adultery and murder, it took him a while to repent and be convicted of his sin. When he did repent, however, he wrote the beautiful Psalm 51 in response to his knowledge of God's saving grace. There is one verse that stands out to me particularly:
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." (Psalm 51:12)
Truth be told, I've been so out of it recently. It feels like I've lost all the joy I used to have when reading Scripture, and my prayers feel awkward and strange. And then I think that I'm not trying hard enough, and so I try harder, and still end up discouraged because nothing changes. I would wrack my brain trying to think of unconfessed sin and offer prayers that were more and more half-hearted when it felt like God just wasn't there. As I sat in church yesterday, listening to my pastor say that the core nature of a Christian was joy, I was just practically in tears. It was like I finally got a glimpse of what God was trying to tell me all along, and I was just overwhelmed with love and gratitude, because I knew that 1) God was there with me (Matthew 28:20) and 2) I can be joyful in spite of my day-to-day feelings (James 1:2-4).
My pastor finished up with acknowledging that most of us will wake up some mornings and just not feel joyful. We all have crummy days. He gave us one simple piece of advice: "Confess sin, pray, praise, linger in the Word of God". Praising God in the midst of our trials - isn't this where songs like "When the Tears Fall" and "Blessed be Your Name" come out of? It seems so counterintuitive to be able to genuinely praise God when all we want to do is curl up in bed, wallow in self-pity, and shake our fists at the world, but remember this: "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With me this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
and now these three remain.
Today, four people from our year got baptized. Some I know well, some I don't really know at all, but one thing was so clear - God is good and is working in each of them. And us. Things like this always leave me with so many feelings and it's a little hard to be coherent sometimes. However, I'm seeing more and more just how broken and deceitful we humans are. It's hard to believe that God still puts up with us - and not just puts up with us, but loves us. This word "love" - I really think I need to stop using it so much to describe things that I like or that appeal to me. Is that really what the word "love" really means? Aren't I just watering down this wonderful, wonderful word and sticking it with a lame, worldly definition?
This is what the Bible says love is:
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command." John 15:12-14
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the LORD forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14
This is love. This is love the way God loves us. It is pure, sacrificial, not self-seeking, unselfish, and good.
But yeah, back to today's baptism. Thinking about my own testimony and the sin in my own life, it is honestly a miracle that I am saved. Nothing I have ever done, no effort that I have ever exerted of my own will could have helped me in the face of the holy wrath of God. It's crazy and I can't really wrap my head around it, but then I remember this: "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26). It's like, "of COURSE, you silly girl". I remember while we were just hanging out right after the baptism, I overheard one of the guys who had just gotten baptized say something along the lines of how he couldn't believe people were still so enthusiastically and lovingly greeting and encouraging him after his sharing, because he had done things that were so wrong and heartbreaking or whatnot, but it's amazing because it's like, isn't this the love of God? "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." (1 John 4:7)
Out of the overflow of our hearts we speak and act. I pray that whatever comes out of my mouth and whatever thought enters my mind and whatever step I take with these feet, it will spring from love - the love that God has enabled me to demonstrate, and is continually teaching me how to demonstrate.
This is what the Bible says love is:
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command." John 15:12-14
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the LORD forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14
This is love. This is love the way God loves us. It is pure, sacrificial, not self-seeking, unselfish, and good.
But yeah, back to today's baptism. Thinking about my own testimony and the sin in my own life, it is honestly a miracle that I am saved. Nothing I have ever done, no effort that I have ever exerted of my own will could have helped me in the face of the holy wrath of God. It's crazy and I can't really wrap my head around it, but then I remember this: "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26). It's like, "of COURSE, you silly girl". I remember while we were just hanging out right after the baptism, I overheard one of the guys who had just gotten baptized say something along the lines of how he couldn't believe people were still so enthusiastically and lovingly greeting and encouraging him after his sharing, because he had done things that were so wrong and heartbreaking or whatnot, but it's amazing because it's like, isn't this the love of God? "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." (1 John 4:7)
Out of the overflow of our hearts we speak and act. I pray that whatever comes out of my mouth and whatever thought enters my mind and whatever step I take with these feet, it will spring from love - the love that God has enabled me to demonstrate, and is continually teaching me how to demonstrate.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
KCCF retreat '12: no other gods
Hello!
This past weekend was the KCCF retreat, with a theme centered around the sin of idolatry and how it relates to all of our lives. It was also the first time I have EVER led a small group in Bible study, and it has been truly amazing to see how God uses people for His good purposes. I've been saying this to all my friends and parents and just about whoever else will listen (lol), but I seriously had no idea what I was doing, being a small group leader. I've never had any intention to lead a Bible study before. I've never really considered leading DG or SG before. I just figured it wasn't in my ballpark of talents/gifts or whatever. Way out of comfort zone, y'know? Worship was where it was at for me. It was something I grew up doing, something that's buoyed me through so many difficult times in my life. For me, musical worship can bring me so close to God and is one of the most precious ways for me to bask in His presence. For someone as socially phobic and awkward as I am, you can imagine how much more stressful it would be to lead a small group and have to be honest and genuine and vulnerable with a group of girls I may not even know that well.
Well.
For some reason, God called me to be an SG leader this year. After receiving confirmation of this calling from several close friends and my parents, I decided to be obedient to this call. And God has blessed me so, SO much throughout this weekend and just through the week I was preparing for it. I remember my accountability partner telling me that the awesome thing about leading Bible study was that as you prepare for it and study the Word and pray and ask God for wisdom and the words to say, your focus shifts completely to Him and Him alone. It's just so true. I found myself praying in every idle moment because I was just so afraid of what was to come. I have no idea how to lead a small group. I have no idea how to teach and my knowledge is so, SO limited that I wouldn't even know what to say even if I wasn't socially challenged. While I was walking to class, while I was in the library, while I was at home just studying the material, I just kept asking God: "What are You doing???" But I think I have to make it clear that I didn't doubt that God would use me as He intended - I knew I would be okay because God was enabling me and leading me. Still, I was confused and completely uncomfortable with the idea. Just plain freaking out.
We got to the retreat place. Settled in. Was lead in worship. As soon as the music began to play I started to tear. And you have to understand - I really don't cry during worship that much, especially with no previous emotional stimulation haha. It kind of surprised me. But I just knew that God was in that place, and that I would be okay. Just kept praying that God would lead me and give me the words to say, because I sure didn't have them. AND THEN. THE MOMENT OF TRUTH. (Wow I am being so melodramatic about this.)
First of all, I knew that God fully intended me to lead SG during this retreat because honestly, I took one look at the list of girls in my group and I burst out laughing. Out of the 5 girls in our group, one was my cell group leader from last year, one was my own retreat small group leader from last year, 2 were from Kyrios, and 1 was a new-ish girl from my year that I had recently started talking to. Uh, God is kind of amazing. Okay, who am I kidding - He is SO amazing and SO good! He blessed me with a group I was comfortable talking to. And then as we started, it became clear that there would not be many awkward silences - something I was supremely scared of. These girls were so genuine, so willing to share about personal aspects of their lives.
I think in the first session I had a sort of desire to prove myself. As soon as I tried to take control though, God really humbled me through the girls in my group. One of the girls just completely took the words out of my mouth, and I realized that I am merely an instrument of God - unworthy and unqualified, but the product of grace alone. And after our session ended, I was with the three older girls (my co-leader, who is also my current DGL, and my two ex-CGL/SGLs) and was just sharing with them about my fears and how I had no idea why God called me to be an SGL this time around, but they were just, so, SO encouraging and loving. After this first Bible study, my prayers changed. I started to pray just for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and that may every single word that came out of my mouth be from the Spirit and from the Spirit alone. That God keep me silent if He wanted me to, and to speak only when He wanted me to. That it would be okay if I didn't say a word throughout the entire Bible study, if that was what He wanted. God carried me through the remaining Bible studies. It was all God, and I am so thankful and in awe that I worship a God who is SO big but draws so close.
I guess another thing that was fairly significant was the late-night sharing on the last night. For me, it was a lot more emotional than last years'. There was just so much brokenness and pain in the individuals of the fellowship. It's crazy, because honestly in terms of fellowships I've seen, we're pretty strong and very God-centered as a whole, but there's just so much hurt in the people. I mean, I know that logically pain and a relationship with God isn't mutually exclusive (1 Peter 4:12 anyone? Haha), but I think unconsciously I've been conditioned to think that Christians in general don't suffer. It's completely stupid, because even as I look in my own life, there have been so much hurt and so many dark times - it's silly to think I was the only one going through it. But yeah, last night just filled me with so many turbulent emotions - I wanted to cry but couldn't and there was no catharsis to be found from talking or praying because I couldn't even find the words. I didn't think I would be able to sleep right away either, so I just ended up with two friends on the piano and singing. It was just one of those moments where I know God understood the emotion behind the songs we were singing.
But yeah. Last thing - God has just blessed me so, SO much through the brothers and sisters in my fellowship. I mean, I was good friends with a lot of them to begin with during last year, but the fact that we share a belief in and love for Christ just makes it that much more of a blessing because we're able to pray for each other and rebuke in love and encourage and edify in ways that just wouldn't be possible if one of us was a non-believer. Because of God's amazing work in both myself and the other people in my year, it's really beginning to look a little like the fellowship of believers in Acts 2:42-47. And this brings me so, SO much joy. I can't even explain it. I know that I have brothers and sisters who've got my back. Who ask me how they can pray for me. Who understand my frequent inability to explain how I'm feeling and instead lead me to a piano or guitar so I can play them out. I think I've said this a billion times by now, but I honestly did not think this would be possible a year ago. I am so blessed.
I don't think I can get all my thoughts out yet. Needs more processing time, haha. Will update later? Will leave you all with a passage I've been holding close to my heart recently: "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." (Colossians 3:1-4)
This past weekend was the KCCF retreat, with a theme centered around the sin of idolatry and how it relates to all of our lives. It was also the first time I have EVER led a small group in Bible study, and it has been truly amazing to see how God uses people for His good purposes. I've been saying this to all my friends and parents and just about whoever else will listen (lol), but I seriously had no idea what I was doing, being a small group leader. I've never had any intention to lead a Bible study before. I've never really considered leading DG or SG before. I just figured it wasn't in my ballpark of talents/gifts or whatever. Way out of comfort zone, y'know? Worship was where it was at for me. It was something I grew up doing, something that's buoyed me through so many difficult times in my life. For me, musical worship can bring me so close to God and is one of the most precious ways for me to bask in His presence. For someone as socially phobic and awkward as I am, you can imagine how much more stressful it would be to lead a small group and have to be honest and genuine and vulnerable with a group of girls I may not even know that well.
Well.
For some reason, God called me to be an SG leader this year. After receiving confirmation of this calling from several close friends and my parents, I decided to be obedient to this call. And God has blessed me so, SO much throughout this weekend and just through the week I was preparing for it. I remember my accountability partner telling me that the awesome thing about leading Bible study was that as you prepare for it and study the Word and pray and ask God for wisdom and the words to say, your focus shifts completely to Him and Him alone. It's just so true. I found myself praying in every idle moment because I was just so afraid of what was to come. I have no idea how to lead a small group. I have no idea how to teach and my knowledge is so, SO limited that I wouldn't even know what to say even if I wasn't socially challenged. While I was walking to class, while I was in the library, while I was at home just studying the material, I just kept asking God: "What are You doing???" But I think I have to make it clear that I didn't doubt that God would use me as He intended - I knew I would be okay because God was enabling me and leading me. Still, I was confused and completely uncomfortable with the idea. Just plain freaking out.
We got to the retreat place. Settled in. Was lead in worship. As soon as the music began to play I started to tear. And you have to understand - I really don't cry during worship that much, especially with no previous emotional stimulation haha. It kind of surprised me. But I just knew that God was in that place, and that I would be okay. Just kept praying that God would lead me and give me the words to say, because I sure didn't have them. AND THEN. THE MOMENT OF TRUTH. (Wow I am being so melodramatic about this.)
First of all, I knew that God fully intended me to lead SG during this retreat because honestly, I took one look at the list of girls in my group and I burst out laughing. Out of the 5 girls in our group, one was my cell group leader from last year, one was my own retreat small group leader from last year, 2 were from Kyrios, and 1 was a new-ish girl from my year that I had recently started talking to. Uh, God is kind of amazing. Okay, who am I kidding - He is SO amazing and SO good! He blessed me with a group I was comfortable talking to. And then as we started, it became clear that there would not be many awkward silences - something I was supremely scared of. These girls were so genuine, so willing to share about personal aspects of their lives.
I think in the first session I had a sort of desire to prove myself. As soon as I tried to take control though, God really humbled me through the girls in my group. One of the girls just completely took the words out of my mouth, and I realized that I am merely an instrument of God - unworthy and unqualified, but the product of grace alone. And after our session ended, I was with the three older girls (my co-leader, who is also my current DGL, and my two ex-CGL/SGLs) and was just sharing with them about my fears and how I had no idea why God called me to be an SGL this time around, but they were just, so, SO encouraging and loving. After this first Bible study, my prayers changed. I started to pray just for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and that may every single word that came out of my mouth be from the Spirit and from the Spirit alone. That God keep me silent if He wanted me to, and to speak only when He wanted me to. That it would be okay if I didn't say a word throughout the entire Bible study, if that was what He wanted. God carried me through the remaining Bible studies. It was all God, and I am so thankful and in awe that I worship a God who is SO big but draws so close.
I guess another thing that was fairly significant was the late-night sharing on the last night. For me, it was a lot more emotional than last years'. There was just so much brokenness and pain in the individuals of the fellowship. It's crazy, because honestly in terms of fellowships I've seen, we're pretty strong and very God-centered as a whole, but there's just so much hurt in the people. I mean, I know that logically pain and a relationship with God isn't mutually exclusive (1 Peter 4:12 anyone? Haha), but I think unconsciously I've been conditioned to think that Christians in general don't suffer. It's completely stupid, because even as I look in my own life, there have been so much hurt and so many dark times - it's silly to think I was the only one going through it. But yeah, last night just filled me with so many turbulent emotions - I wanted to cry but couldn't and there was no catharsis to be found from talking or praying because I couldn't even find the words. I didn't think I would be able to sleep right away either, so I just ended up with two friends on the piano and singing. It was just one of those moments where I know God understood the emotion behind the songs we were singing.
But yeah. Last thing - God has just blessed me so, SO much through the brothers and sisters in my fellowship. I mean, I was good friends with a lot of them to begin with during last year, but the fact that we share a belief in and love for Christ just makes it that much more of a blessing because we're able to pray for each other and rebuke in love and encourage and edify in ways that just wouldn't be possible if one of us was a non-believer. Because of God's amazing work in both myself and the other people in my year, it's really beginning to look a little like the fellowship of believers in Acts 2:42-47. And this brings me so, SO much joy. I can't even explain it. I know that I have brothers and sisters who've got my back. Who ask me how they can pray for me. Who understand my frequent inability to explain how I'm feeling and instead lead me to a piano or guitar so I can play them out. I think I've said this a billion times by now, but I honestly did not think this would be possible a year ago. I am so blessed.
I don't think I can get all my thoughts out yet. Needs more processing time, haha. Will update later? Will leave you all with a passage I've been holding close to my heart recently: "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." (Colossians 3:1-4)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
i haven't forgotten about this blog...
It's been more than a month! Don't take this as proof that I haven't been communing with God on a daily basis - no worries about that. But with the stress of finals and the loaft-iness of holidays, this blog hasn't really been a priority :P As 1st semester finishes and 2nd semester starts, I continue to hold fast to the belief that God is the only thing that allowed me to survive that last set of exams. I really don't know how I did it. It stretched me to my limits physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I mean, sure, they're ONLY EXAMS and they won't matter in the long run, but still. Sigh.
Update!
God's been teaching me and challenging me a lot and demanding obedience from me in many different areas. One of the most vivid lessons I remember learning was 2 days before my final exam, during OBF on Sunday. We had been going through the Christmas story (the REAL one, not the "Hallmark" version, as our pastor puts it xD) and I was just so convicted by the events in Matthew 2:9-14:
"After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. 10 When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. 11 On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. 12 And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route. 13 When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.” 14 So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, 15 where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”"
This obedience. This miraculous Providence from God. I remember sitting in my chair and thinking about young Mary, who was probably younger than I am now, and Joseph, probably only a little bit older. How much faith, and how much courage did it take for them to literally uproot their little family in the middle of the night and flee? What incredible courage and faith and obedience. I just remember being so awed by how God had given Mary and Joseph the resources necessary for such a move - the costly gifts of the Magi, of course. I never saw the connection when I was younger and even now for some people it might not be as big of a deal, but for someone as pragmatic as I am, this really caught my attention - like God was hitting me over the head with a newspaper affectionately, telling me that He WILL provide and that I shouldn't worry. I was so convicted and humbled and overcome with sorrow and feelings of unworthiness because I knew that this kind of obedience wasn't something I was/am capable of probably.
Fast forward to now. Had a bit of another emotional breakdown yesterday due a whole lot of LIFE stuff. Coming back to Kingston after a comfortable 2 weeks at home, having some silly and some VERY PRESSING house problems - it was a little overwhelming. I was up to my eyeballs in anxiety and worries, much of which was rooted in money, even though there's never been a real reason for me to worry about it. This is, by extension, essentially distrust in God and lack of faith. Which, as you can imagine, is BAD. I was just so convicted by the passages I read in 1 Kings 17-18, from the faith of the widow to Elijah's trust and confidence in God's might. And as I prayed last night, I was just made so aware of the fact that I CAN'T. Capitals intended. I just CAN'T. I can't handle life by myself, and this is why I turn to things to distract me - things like TV/fandom/etc. I CAN'T, but God CAN. God is ABLE. God is able, and what's more is that God drew me back to His side. He didn't let me languish.
I spent the rest of the night just praying and meditating on His word and drifted off. It was like I finally let go. Accepted that I couldn't do anything. Let God take me and mend me. I'm still in repair. Letting Jesus have all my hurt and frustration for real for the first time, y'know? It was so liberating. Even now, as I sit in the library (only 2nd day of school...sigh....SIGH....), I'm still so at peace. And it's different from denial. It's complete confidence that God has me where He wants me and learning to trust that He CAN handle everything. That no matter what happens, this is still true: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
God is good. Yay!
Update!
God's been teaching me and challenging me a lot and demanding obedience from me in many different areas. One of the most vivid lessons I remember learning was 2 days before my final exam, during OBF on Sunday. We had been going through the Christmas story (the REAL one, not the "Hallmark" version, as our pastor puts it xD) and I was just so convicted by the events in Matthew 2:9-14:
"After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. 10 When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. 11 On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. 12 And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route. 13 When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.” 14 So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, 15 where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”"
This obedience. This miraculous Providence from God. I remember sitting in my chair and thinking about young Mary, who was probably younger than I am now, and Joseph, probably only a little bit older. How much faith, and how much courage did it take for them to literally uproot their little family in the middle of the night and flee? What incredible courage and faith and obedience. I just remember being so awed by how God had given Mary and Joseph the resources necessary for such a move - the costly gifts of the Magi, of course. I never saw the connection when I was younger and even now for some people it might not be as big of a deal, but for someone as pragmatic as I am, this really caught my attention - like God was hitting me over the head with a newspaper affectionately, telling me that He WILL provide and that I shouldn't worry. I was so convicted and humbled and overcome with sorrow and feelings of unworthiness because I knew that this kind of obedience wasn't something I was/am capable of probably.
Fast forward to now. Had a bit of another emotional breakdown yesterday due a whole lot of LIFE stuff. Coming back to Kingston after a comfortable 2 weeks at home, having some silly and some VERY PRESSING house problems - it was a little overwhelming. I was up to my eyeballs in anxiety and worries, much of which was rooted in money, even though there's never been a real reason for me to worry about it. This is, by extension, essentially distrust in God and lack of faith. Which, as you can imagine, is BAD. I was just so convicted by the passages I read in 1 Kings 17-18, from the faith of the widow to Elijah's trust and confidence in God's might. And as I prayed last night, I was just made so aware of the fact that I CAN'T. Capitals intended. I just CAN'T. I can't handle life by myself, and this is why I turn to things to distract me - things like TV/fandom/etc. I CAN'T, but God CAN. God is ABLE. God is able, and what's more is that God drew me back to His side. He didn't let me languish.
I spent the rest of the night just praying and meditating on His word and drifted off. It was like I finally let go. Accepted that I couldn't do anything. Let God take me and mend me. I'm still in repair. Letting Jesus have all my hurt and frustration for real for the first time, y'know? It was so liberating. Even now, as I sit in the library (only 2nd day of school...sigh....SIGH....), I'm still so at peace. And it's different from denial. It's complete confidence that God has me where He wants me and learning to trust that He CAN handle everything. That no matter what happens, this is still true: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
God is good. Yay!
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