i haven't forgotten about this blog...

It's been more than a month! Don't take this as proof that I haven't been communing with God on a daily basis - no worries about that. But with the stress of finals and the loaft-iness of holidays, this blog hasn't really been a priority :P As 1st semester finishes and 2nd semester starts, I continue to hold fast to the belief that God is the only thing that allowed me to survive that last set of exams. I really don't know how I did it. It stretched me to my limits physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I mean, sure, they're ONLY EXAMS and they won't matter in the long run, but still. Sigh.

Update!

God's been teaching me and challenging me a lot and demanding obedience from me in many different areas. One of the most vivid lessons I remember learning was 2 days before my final exam, during OBF on Sunday. We had been going through the Christmas story (the REAL one, not the "Hallmark" version, as our pastor puts it xD) and  I was just so convicted by the events in  Matthew 2:9-14: 


"After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. ¹⁰ When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. ¹¹ On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. ¹² And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route. ¹³ When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.” ¹⁴ So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, ¹⁵ where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”" 


This obedience. This miraculous Providence from God. I remember sitting in my chair and thinking about young Mary, who was probably younger than I am now, and Joseph, probably only a little bit older. How much faith, and how much  courage did it take for them to literally uproot their little family in the middle of the night and flee? What incredible courage and faith and obedience. I just remember being so awed by how God had given Mary and Joseph the resources necessary for such a move - the costly gifts of the Magi, of course. I never saw the connection when I was younger and even now for some people it might not be as big of a deal, but for someone as pragmatic as I am, this really caught my attention - like God was hitting me over the head with a newspaper affectionately, telling me that He WILL provide and that I shouldn't worry. I was so convicted and humbled and overcome with sorrow and feelings of unworthiness because I knew that this kind of obedience wasn't something I was/am capable of probably. 


Fast forward to now. Had a bit of another emotional breakdown yesterday due a whole lot of LIFE stuff. Coming back to Kingston after a comfortable 2 weeks at home, having some silly and some VERY PRESSING house problems - it was a little overwhelming. I was up to my eyeballs in anxiety and worries, much of which was rooted in money, even though there's never been a real reason for me to worry about it. This is, by extension, essentially distrust in God and lack of faith. Which, as you can imagine, is BAD. I was just so convicted by the passages I read in 1 Kings 17-18, from the faith of the widow to Elijah's trust and confidence in God's might. And as I prayed last night, I was just made so aware of the fact that I CAN'T. Capitals intended. I just CAN'T. I can't handle life by myself, and this is why I turn to things to distract me - things like TV/fandom/etc. I CAN'T, but God CAN. God is ABLE. God is able, and what's more is that God drew me back to His side. He didn't let me languish. 


I spent the rest of the night just praying and meditating on His word and drifted off. It was like I finally let go. Accepted that I couldn't do anything. Let God take me and mend me. I'm still in repair. Letting Jesus have all my hurt and frustration for real for the first time, y'know? It was so liberating. Even now, as I sit in the library (only 2nd day of school...sigh....SIGH....), I'm still so at peace. And it's different from denial. It's complete confidence that God has me where He wants me and learning to trust that He CAN handle everything. That no matter what happens, this is still true: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)


God is good. Yay!