Hello!
This past weekend was the KCCF retreat, with a theme centered around the sin of idolatry and how it relates to all of our lives. It was also the first time I have EVER led a small group in Bible study, and it has been truly amazing to see how God uses people for His good purposes. I've been saying this to all my friends and parents and just about whoever else will listen (lol), but I seriously had no idea what I was doing, being a small group leader. I've never had any intention to lead a Bible study before. I've never really considered leading DG or SG before. I just figured it wasn't in my ballpark of talents/gifts or whatever. Way out of comfort zone, y'know? Worship was where it was at for me. It was something I grew up doing, something that's buoyed me through so many difficult times in my life. For me, musical worship can bring me so close to God and is one of the most precious ways for me to bask in His presence. For someone as socially phobic and awkward as I am, you can imagine how much more stressful it would be to lead a small group and have to be honest and genuine and vulnerable with a group of girls I may not even know that well.
Well.
For some reason, God called me to be an SG leader this year. After receiving confirmation of this calling from several close friends and my parents, I decided to be obedient to this call. And God has blessed me so, SO much throughout this weekend and just through the week I was preparing for it. I remember my accountability partner telling me that the awesome thing about leading Bible study was that as you prepare for it and study the Word and pray and ask God for wisdom and the words to say, your focus shifts completely to Him and Him alone. It's just so true. I found myself praying in every idle moment because I was just so afraid of what was to come. I have no idea how to lead a small group. I have no idea how to teach and my knowledge is so, SO limited that I wouldn't even know what to say even if I wasn't socially challenged. While I was walking to class, while I was in the library, while I was at home just studying the material, I just kept asking God: "What are You doing???" But I think I have to make it clear that I didn't doubt that God would use me as He intended - I knew I would be okay because God was enabling me and leading me. Still, I was confused and completely uncomfortable with the idea. Just plain freaking out.
We got to the retreat place. Settled in. Was lead in worship. As soon as the music began to play I started to tear. And you have to understand - I really don't cry during worship that much, especially with no previous emotional stimulation haha. It kind of surprised me. But I just knew that God was in that place, and that I would be okay. Just kept praying that God would lead me and give me the words to say, because I sure didn't have them. AND THEN. THE MOMENT OF TRUTH. (Wow I am being so melodramatic about this.)
First of all, I knew that God fully intended me to lead SG during this retreat because honestly, I took one look at the list of girls in my group and I burst out laughing. Out of the 5 girls in our group, one was my cell group leader from last year, one was my own retreat small group leader from last year, 2 were from Kyrios, and 1 was a new-ish girl from my year that I had recently started talking to. Uh, God is kind of amazing. Okay, who am I kidding - He is SO amazing and SO good! He blessed me with a group I was comfortable talking to. And then as we started, it became clear that there would not be many awkward silences - something I was supremely scared of. These girls were so genuine, so willing to share about personal aspects of their lives.
I think in the first session I had a sort of desire to prove myself. As soon as I tried to take control though, God really humbled me through the girls in my group. One of the girls just completely took the words out of my mouth, and I realized that I am merely an instrument of God - unworthy and unqualified, but the product of grace alone. And after our session ended, I was with the three older girls (my co-leader, who is also my current DGL, and my two ex-CGL/SGLs) and was just sharing with them about my fears and how I had no idea why God called me to be an SGL this time around, but they were just, so, SO encouraging and loving. After this first Bible study, my prayers changed. I started to pray just for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and that may every single word that came out of my mouth be from the Spirit and from the Spirit alone. That God keep me silent if He wanted me to, and to speak only when He wanted me to. That it would be okay if I didn't say a word throughout the entire Bible study, if that was what He wanted. God carried me through the remaining Bible studies. It was all God, and I am so thankful and in awe that I worship a God who is SO big but draws so close.
I guess another thing that was fairly significant was the late-night sharing on the last night. For me, it was a lot more emotional than last years'. There was just so much brokenness and pain in the individuals of the fellowship. It's crazy, because honestly in terms of fellowships I've seen, we're pretty strong and very God-centered as a whole, but there's just so much hurt in the people. I mean, I know that logically pain and a relationship with God isn't mutually exclusive (1 Peter 4:12 anyone? Haha), but I think unconsciously I've been conditioned to think that Christians in general don't suffer. It's completely stupid, because even as I look in my own life, there have been so much hurt and so many dark times - it's silly to think I was the only one going through it. But yeah, last night just filled me with so many turbulent emotions - I wanted to cry but couldn't and there was no catharsis to be found from talking or praying because I couldn't even find the words. I didn't think I would be able to sleep right away either, so I just ended up with two friends on the piano and singing. It was just one of those moments where I know God understood the emotion behind the songs we were singing.
But yeah. Last thing - God has just blessed me so, SO much through the brothers and sisters in my fellowship. I mean, I was good friends with a lot of them to begin with during last year, but the fact that we share a belief in and love for Christ just makes it that much more of a blessing because we're able to pray for each other and rebuke in love and encourage and edify in ways that just wouldn't be possible if one of us was a non-believer. Because of God's amazing work in both myself and the other people in my year, it's really beginning to look a little like the fellowship of believers in Acts 2:42-47. And this brings me so, SO much joy. I can't even explain it. I know that I have brothers and sisters who've got my back. Who ask me how they can pray for me. Who understand my frequent inability to explain how I'm feeling and instead lead me to a piano or guitar so I can play them out. I think I've said this a billion times by now, but I honestly did not think this would be possible a year ago. I am so blessed.
I don't think I can get all my thoughts out yet. Needs more processing time, haha. Will update later? Will leave you all with a passage I've been holding close to my heart recently: "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." (Colossians 3:1-4)
No comments:
Post a Comment