uplift

It's only Wednesday night and I'm already mad exhausted. This week has been CRAZY, with 2 midterms done (2 down, 3 to go over 2 more weeks, sigh...). Today I was just really stressed out because I've been doing really poorly on my genetics quizzes (I MEAN it when I say poorly, this isn't Asian fail lol) and I've kind of been miserable because of the rest of the class has been acing them. I'm probably going to drop my bio minor because I'm just not that interested in the upper year bio courses, and I foresee myself having a hard time haha.

Basically I'm just feeling so drained and thirsty for more. I was going to preread for my diversity lecture tmrw (one of the courses I'm MAD BEHIND in lol) but then I think the Holy Spirit asked me a question: "Nicole - is reading this chapter in your textbook going to fill you up and give you peace? Or is reading the Bible going to?"

No brainer question, lol. I closed my textbook and opened my Bible. I'm currently going through the book of John with my DG and in John 1:23 it says: "John replied in the words of Isaiah the prophet, 'I am the voice of one calling in the desert, "Make straight the way for the Lord."'" I was kind of curious about this calling in the desert thing, so I looked up a crossreference for it and went straight to Isaiah 40, where this verse is basically from.

Isaiah 40

Comfort for God’s People

 ¹ Comfort, comfort my people,
   says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
   and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
   that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
   double for all her sins.

 ³ A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
   the way for the LORD^[a];
make straight in the desert
   a highway for our God.^[b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
   every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
   the rugged places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
   and all people will see it together.
            For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”


 ⁶ A voice says, “Cry out.”
   And I said, “What shall I cry?”
   “All people are like grass,
   and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
   Surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   but the word of our God endures forever.”


 ⁹ You who bring good news to Zion,
   go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,^[c]
   lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
   say to the towns of Judah,
   “Here is your God!”
¹⁰ See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
   and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
   and his recompense accompanies him.
¹¹ He tends his flock like a shepherd:
   He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
   he gently leads those that have young.


 ¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
   or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
   or weighed the mountains on the scales
   and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who can fathom the Spirit^[d] of the LORD,
   or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
¹⁴ Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
   and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
   or showed him the path of understanding?


 ¹⁵ Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
   they are regarded as dust on the scales;
   he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
   nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
¹⁷ Before him all the nations are as nothing;
   they are regarded by him as worthless
   and less than nothing.
 ¹⁸ With whom, then, will you compare God?
   To what image will you liken him?
¹⁹ As for an idol, a metalworker casts it,
   and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
   and fashions silver chains for it.
²⁰ A person too poor to present such an offering
   selects wood that will not rot;
they look for a skilled worker
   to set up an idol that will not topple.


 ²¹ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
   Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
   and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
   and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
²³ He brings princes to naught
   and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
   no sooner are they sown,
   no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
   and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.


 ²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
   Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
   Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
   and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
   not one of them is missing.


 ²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
   Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
   my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

Isn't God amazing? He brought me to this chapter knowing how weary and burdened I was, and let me read an incredible and uplifting chapter full of joy and comfort. God gives strength to the weary (read: me) and the weary (read: ME!) will soar on wings like eagles. What an amazing promise.

To all you university kids: Add oil, and turn to God for replenishment and relaxation! TV/even more studying really isn't the answer and will just stress you out even more. Take time to listen to God's voice! I know that I'll definitely be spending time in prayer tonight just basking in His presence. I hope this passage will be an encouragement to you all in times of stress and worry :)

2 Timothy 3:16-17; 4:1-2

"All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingston: preach the word; be reading in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patient and teaching."

There is such power in the Word of God! To everyone who is currently stressing and losing hair over midterms (like me bahahaha READINGINTENSIVECOURSESLIKEPSYCH), do not grow lax and neglect your Bible during this busy time! There is nothing else on Earth that can comfort you like the Scriptures can. God IS more important than marks and He CAN work in any circumstance. Yay!

I was reading through my old journals tonight, and came across the thoughts of a very much boy-crazy 13 year old child. It's crazy how much things can change in just 5 years.

"May 24, 2009
I said I was going to let go. Seriously, who am I kidding? Why do I even try?


September 3, 2009
It's already nearing the start of the school year, and I'm still asking myself that question.

I saw him for the first time in months two days ago. I don't really know what I feel for him right now. But I still think he's perfect for me. He's everything I want. Everything.

What am I going to do?


September 4, 2009
__ was the first time I cried myself to sleep because of a boy. And while I doubt he will be the last, I want to close this chapter in my life. I don't know whether I have the strength to do so.


March 23, 2010
It's funny how time changes some things, and other things, none at all. I think I'm beginning to let myself contemplate new beginnings again, but in the end it all comes down to him."


Again, I just have to reiterate how much time changes things. If I had to write a diary entry tonight, it'd probably read something like this:

"October 8, 2011
It's Thanksgiving weekend, and I'm finally home after a month at school. There is so much to be thankful for, and I think I fully realize that for the first time. I know I'm not always going to be able to keep from taking things for granted, but there is a new kind of awareness now. These past few weeks I feel like I've been taking a crash course in "The World From God's Point Of View Instead Of My Point Of View" and it's been so crazy and so hard, but there's been so much joy in knowing that I am safe in God's large, capable, mighty hands. I'm safe. I have purpose because He is my purpose. I don't know where I'm going, but I trust in the Person who has the map. I'll be okay."

I feel like my heart is waking up again.

I used to think [boy] would have been perfect for me. I used to be "brave". I used to be "assertive" when it came to boys I liked. And in the end all I was left with was a diary full of bitterness and childhood angst.

This time around, I'll put all my trust in the Lord. He knows the desires of my heart. I'm not going to resort to my own methods, nor will I run away into denial and repression.

I'll leave you all with a Psalm that has lifted me up from the darkness, from those mornings when I woke up and wondered if everything was just a bad dream, from those moments when I texted my parents and they didn't reply immediately and I got scared for a minute.

Psalm 30^[a]

    A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple.^[b] Of David.

 ¹ I will exalt you, LORD,
   for you lifted me out of the depths
   and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² LORD my God, I called to you for help,
   and you healed me.
³ You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
   you spared me from going down to the pit.

 ⁴ Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
   praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
   but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
   but rejoicing comes in the morning.

1 Timothy 6:6-12

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root for all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But you, [woman] of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your confession in the presence of many witnesses."

trust.

Life has been hard lately.

I'm going to apologize in advance because this will be a bit of a downer post, but really it isn't because there's so much joy in knowing that God is in control of the entire situation. I will wait and I will trust.

Last Friday, one of my housemates' mom passed away. We found out on Monday. I remember waking up on Tuesday morning completely dazed and wondering whether or not it had actually happened, or whether it was just a bad dream. Reality always hits me in the morning, and I know it's not a dream. My friend was vague about the details of what had happened, but I found out yesterday night that it was suicide. I think in the back of my head I knew that that was what had happened, but hearing it confirmed is so surreal. I go to sleep again, and when I wake up I'm dazed again. In class I'm typing and listening to music and marveling at God's awesome creation (we were studying diatoms. LOL!) and I just wanted to cry. Why do these things happen? Suicide is such an ugly, revealing reality. I think I'm still too dazed to be heartbroken.

I guess I've just been praying and praying and waiting. Tonight during fellowship, I heard God tell me very clearly: "I'm here." It was just so comforting and His Spirit was wrapped around me and my heart and it was so very amazing. It's just throughout this time my friends have been so encouraging and supportive and I guess in turn I've been praying and trying to be a mirror of God's love and compassion to my housemate and God is so clearly working in this situation...I don't even know. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here.

I think what I'm trying to get at is that through it all, I know that God is still good. He is still faithful. Honestly speaking, I don't know whether or not I could say the same thing if it was my mother. But I just pray that God will change me and bend me to His will and make me fall so deep in love with Him that I would be able to say such a thing in a situation like that. God is still so good to me. He is so good to me and I don't deserve any of it, but I am so, SO grateful that He is compassionate and kind and merciful. I feel so comforted by His presence and by the assurance of His love. He is here. He is present. He is alive and working at this moment. I will wait.

hebrews 10: 23-25

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

and lean not on your own understanding

The past month has been one of extreme spiritual turbulence for me. I've struggled with feelings of inadequacy, feelings of doubt, as well as a lack of joy in reading the Scriptures. Looking at it now, I think it might have been a series of spiritual attacks...before I was really discouraged and attributed it my own shortcomings or maybe I was "doing something wrong" with respect to devos/prayer life or whatever, but I don't really know. God has shown me so clearly that my so-called "knowledge" is worthless at His feet, and all I am is just a sinner clinging to the cross. But yeah, recently I've finished reading 1/2/3 John, and there's been some stuff God has placed on my heart that I wrote down while I was in Florida:

1. Religious "tolerance" I saw a church and a temple side by side in Buffalo and my first thought was: "Wow, it's good to see them co-existing." And then the Holy Spirit reacted right away: "Good? How is that good?? My chosen people are still lost!" What a powerful reminder that God called us not to co-exist with people, but to spread His Word (Matt 28:18-20).

2. "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." In Buffalo my mom and brother had an intense fight over something really small. That night as I lay in bed, I could hear my brother's sniffles across the room and see my mom's tears. It broke my heart so see so much strife in the family. How much more it must break God's heart as a parent when we push Him away and continue to sin and do things our way! In Acts 2 when Peter addresses the crowd at Pentecost and tells them of their sin and guilt in putting to death the Son of God, the people were "cut to the heart" (Acts 2:37). By the grace of God, our sin and inequities are washed away through the blood the Christ alone - "The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!" (Mark 1:15).

The one big "take-home" message I got from 1 John is this: DO NOT LOVE THE WORLD. I think for me, this is my biggest temptation, because I have a heart that yearns to see people happy and prosperous and a world at "peace". But Jesus Himself said: "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36). And John, in 1 John, reminds us: "The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." (1 John 2:17). It both IS and ISN'T a matter of materialism for me, because it's not like I'm into brand names and external validation through objects and things, but if I were to be perfectly honest with myself, 90% of my motivation to do well in school is because of my deeply rooted desire to be able to create a future for myself and my family in which we can be comfortable and not have to worry financially. And as I'm stressing about bills and electricity usage and buying textbooks and groceries, the Holy Spirit gently prods me: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6). I just all of a sudden started meditating on that verse as I was walking back from the bookstore this morning, and it's just strange because this was a verse I had memorized when I was very VERY small and hadn't really thought about all that often since then.

Last Friday we didn't have CCF, but some of us ex-froshies (CRYING FOREVER I AM NOT OLD) planned a worship and sharing night near City Park, and I was just so encouraged by that. Our year has gotten closer and I'm so glad that we can share such intimate and vulnerable parts of our struggles and joys. However, at that time I was really struggling with a lack of joy in my relationship with God and was feeling really detached and almost ready to give up. And then yesterday night I went to Bethel's (my church in Kingston) Praise and Power, and night of worship and bonding with students in the area, and was really blown away by the presence of God. It's making me question whether it's the MUSIC that I like, or is it really that I had an encounter with God. Because I truly believe God was in the building last night and all I could really do in the face of my doubt was to pray fervently that my focus would be continually be realigned to Him.

I'm starting on the book of Hebrews now! I'm excited to see what God has in store for me through this book and through this year at school :)