trust.

Life has been hard lately.

I'm going to apologize in advance because this will be a bit of a downer post, but really it isn't because there's so much joy in knowing that God is in control of the entire situation. I will wait and I will trust.

Last Friday, one of my housemates' mom passed away. We found out on Monday. I remember waking up on Tuesday morning completely dazed and wondering whether or not it had actually happened, or whether it was just a bad dream. Reality always hits me in the morning, and I know it's not a dream. My friend was vague about the details of what had happened, but I found out yesterday night that it was suicide. I think in the back of my head I knew that that was what had happened, but hearing it confirmed is so surreal. I go to sleep again, and when I wake up I'm dazed again. In class I'm typing and listening to music and marveling at God's awesome creation (we were studying diatoms. LOL!) and I just wanted to cry. Why do these things happen? Suicide is such an ugly, revealing reality. I think I'm still too dazed to be heartbroken.

I guess I've just been praying and praying and waiting. Tonight during fellowship, I heard God tell me very clearly: "I'm here." It was just so comforting and His Spirit was wrapped around me and my heart and it was so very amazing. It's just throughout this time my friends have been so encouraging and supportive and I guess in turn I've been praying and trying to be a mirror of God's love and compassion to my housemate and God is so clearly working in this situation...I don't even know. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here.

I think what I'm trying to get at is that through it all, I know that God is still good. He is still faithful. Honestly speaking, I don't know whether or not I could say the same thing if it was my mother. But I just pray that God will change me and bend me to His will and make me fall so deep in love with Him that I would be able to say such a thing in a situation like that. God is still so good to me. He is so good to me and I don't deserve any of it, but I am so, SO grateful that He is compassionate and kind and merciful. I feel so comforted by His presence and by the assurance of His love. He is here. He is present. He is alive and working at this moment. I will wait.

hebrews 10: 23-25

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

and lean not on your own understanding

The past month has been one of extreme spiritual turbulence for me. I've struggled with feelings of inadequacy, feelings of doubt, as well as a lack of joy in reading the Scriptures. Looking at it now, I think it might have been a series of spiritual attacks...before I was really discouraged and attributed it my own shortcomings or maybe I was "doing something wrong" with respect to devos/prayer life or whatever, but I don't really know. God has shown me so clearly that my so-called "knowledge" is worthless at His feet, and all I am is just a sinner clinging to the cross. But yeah, recently I've finished reading 1/2/3 John, and there's been some stuff God has placed on my heart that I wrote down while I was in Florida:

1. Religious "tolerance" I saw a church and a temple side by side in Buffalo and my first thought was: "Wow, it's good to see them co-existing." And then the Holy Spirit reacted right away: "Good? How is that good?? My chosen people are still lost!" What a powerful reminder that God called us not to co-exist with people, but to spread His Word (Matt 28:18-20).

2. "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." In Buffalo my mom and brother had an intense fight over something really small. That night as I lay in bed, I could hear my brother's sniffles across the room and see my mom's tears. It broke my heart so see so much strife in the family. How much more it must break God's heart as a parent when we push Him away and continue to sin and do things our way! In Acts 2 when Peter addresses the crowd at Pentecost and tells them of their sin and guilt in putting to death the Son of God, the people were "cut to the heart" (Acts 2:37). By the grace of God, our sin and inequities are washed away through the blood the Christ alone - "The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!" (Mark 1:15).

The one big "take-home" message I got from 1 John is this: DO NOT LOVE THE WORLD. I think for me, this is my biggest temptation, because I have a heart that yearns to see people happy and prosperous and a world at "peace". But Jesus Himself said: "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36). And John, in 1 John, reminds us: "The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." (1 John 2:17). It both IS and ISN'T a matter of materialism for me, because it's not like I'm into brand names and external validation through objects and things, but if I were to be perfectly honest with myself, 90% of my motivation to do well in school is because of my deeply rooted desire to be able to create a future for myself and my family in which we can be comfortable and not have to worry financially. And as I'm stressing about bills and electricity usage and buying textbooks and groceries, the Holy Spirit gently prods me: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6). I just all of a sudden started meditating on that verse as I was walking back from the bookstore this morning, and it's just strange because this was a verse I had memorized when I was very VERY small and hadn't really thought about all that often since then.

Last Friday we didn't have CCF, but some of us ex-froshies (CRYING FOREVER I AM NOT OLD) planned a worship and sharing night near City Park, and I was just so encouraged by that. Our year has gotten closer and I'm so glad that we can share such intimate and vulnerable parts of our struggles and joys. However, at that time I was really struggling with a lack of joy in my relationship with God and was feeling really detached and almost ready to give up. And then yesterday night I went to Bethel's (my church in Kingston) Praise and Power, and night of worship and bonding with students in the area, and was really blown away by the presence of God. It's making me question whether it's the MUSIC that I like, or is it really that I had an encounter with God. Because I truly believe God was in the building last night and all I could really do in the face of my doubt was to pray fervently that my focus would be continually be realigned to Him.

I'm starting on the book of Hebrews now! I'm excited to see what God has in store for me through this book and through this year at school :)

Warning: Lots of rambly random thoughts today!

One year ago, we "graduated" from Kyrios. It's crazy how quick time passes, because these days I'm seriously asking myself "WHERE DID THESE FOUR MONTHS OF SUMMER GO?????" (Complete with caps in my head, no joke). I look back at the year of university that's passed and then I look to the present and my group of brothers and sisters and I can't help but praise God for His goodness and faithfulness to us. God has really blessed our grade so, SO richly throughout the years. We started out as very immature people who couldn't even sit together in Sunday School class (invisible line; boys on one side, girls on the other) to true brothers and sisters who can hold each other accountable and just be there for each other, in a few short years. It's not our own effort that has led to this - it's the sole fact that God is good and chose to bless us in this manner. The fact that even after a year of university, we're all still here, that we all still go to church and that we all still want to pursue a relationship with Him - it's all because of His goodness. I think I might've said it before, but when it comes to the word "good", I've always found it wishy-washy and vague, but somehow when it's used to describe God, it's just right. He is good. There's more to my reasoning behind thinking this way but I don't think I can get it out right at this moment.

And so tonight I was talking with a friend of mine and I was just reminded that as a follower of Christ and a sister to my friends, I do have a responsibility to call them out on the things in their lives that aren't God-pleasing when I see them. But I guess the struggle for me is this - when does it become self-righteous (think sawdust-in-his-eye versus plank-in-my-eye) and when is it done out of brotherly love? There's a specific reason why this is so important to me right now, and it's b/c I have a friend who's in a relationship that I think is destructive and going way too fast. I've gently talked to her about it and our pastor's talked to her about it, but it seems like she's insisting on doing things her way, and I fear that it isn't what God intends for her. I guess instead of worrying about what I should say to her/whether I should intervene/whatnot, I should pray and bring this all back to God's word. God's word has power, and I'm an idiot if I think that what I can come up with can compare to God's perfection recorded within the pages of the Bible.

It seems like every day my prayer list is getting longer and longer. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm presenting Him with just that - a list. I don't want my prayer times to be just me reciting a list, y'know? I'm really craving the intimacy that only He can offer. But I have to confess that I've been lacking in my devo time for the past while, and I think this is one of the ways it is showing :/ GOTTA GET MY ACT TOGETHER AND DIVE INTO HIS WORD!

Y'know, I never realized that fighting temptation may very well be a lifelong battle. You may think I'm totally naive, but think about it for a second - when, in Sunday School, have they EVER taught us that fighting temptation isn't just a one time or two time thing? I grew up with a very vague understanding of the nature of temptation and really, the only thing I knew was that "He will not tempt you beyond what you can bear and will provide a way out for you" (that THAT is mad paraphrased too)! More and more, as I begin to mature and gain the ability to spot problem areas in my life that are recurring, I begin to realize that these things are things I will likely struggle with on a long-term basis, at least. It's not just a one time thing. It highlights even more clearly how broken I am, and how much I need Christ to redeem me. As much as I appreciate the reasoning behind the "Prayer" that a lot of speakers encourage people to pray during those revival events to "ask Jesus in my heart" and such, sometimes I think it's....not good. Not good in the sense that it might leave people with the idea that once you say the prayer, it's a one-time-deal and magically either 1) all your life problems will go away or 2) you're insured for life and no matter what you do now you will gain eternal life. The truth is, we all sin and God hates sin and sin separates us from Him, which essentially means that we need saving and we need God's grace every day of our lives. We can't do it by ourselves. We never had a hope in the first place, apart from God's amazing love.

I remember when I first had that epiphany, I was :O like woah.

Hm. I guess my point is that we're all broken and we all will have to fight temptation daily and it's hard but the power of the Holy Spirit is made perfect in our weakness, so praise God that we have many weaknesses for then the perfect power of the Holy Spirit is made that much more apparent. How did I even come upon this train of thought? Ah, I don't know. This is a very unpolished post.

angel lullabies.

Somehow it seems like every time I post on this blog it's an outpouring of the rawest type of emotion. Or at least one of the tail ends of these particular situations. Before I go on, there's a song I have to share.



For those of you who go to my church and/or have been a part of Kyrios for a couple years, you can probably guess what this entry is about. I don't have the latest information, but if everything had gone according to plan, a baby angel was born yesterday.

I have never lost a child before, and by God's grace may I never have to. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl, but the sheer amount of grief I am feeling right now is incredible. What's even more incredible than the amount of love this baby boy has received from his amazing parents and brother and church community is the fact that God loves him even more. When I was just thinking about how much his parents love him and all the things they might have wanted to one day share with him, I was suddenly struck with this warmth and God showed me very clearly this simple truth: "I love him infinitely more." The song I've shared above is essentially a grieving mother's heartcry; it highlights her tremendous desire to hold and nurture her child, and also her humbling faith in God's goodness. There is so much she wanted to do with this child. But then God's voice rings out clearly:

"I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?"

Truly, who could love us like this? Who could love this baby boy like this? Who ELSE, but the Lord God, our Father and Saviour and Comforter?

We've been going through the book of Jonah as a church for the past 2 months or so, and it's been such a blessing in my life. It's tied in so elegantly into so many parts of my life. One thing I've carried with me since the last sermon on Sunday is a simple but monumental truth, one that should realign the perspective of every Christian:

"for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster." Jonah 4:2b

Tonight, my prayer isn't for answers as to why a godly family had to go through something like this. It is simply for God Himself to carve into my heart this simple truth, and may I never forget it.

all i have to give

Today I learned something about God. Like, legitly learned, not just told-by-someone-I-should-listen-to. God won't ask (from me) more than what I can give. Three Biblical examples of this principle can be found in the stories of Moses, Joseph, and Daniel.

I like Daniel's story the best. As a young Jewish captive in Babylon he was given the opportunity to eat good (but unclean) food. He chose to honor God by refusing. This was a PHYSICAL WAY that God required obedience in and that Daniel chose to follow. As a young adult he chose to protect his time with God and pray 3 times a day, even though doing so would cause scorn and suspicion from his peers and colleagues. This was a SOCIAL/RELATED TO SELF-ESTEEM AREA that God wanted him to submit in. Lastly, when Daniel was essentially asked to deny God or risk being thrown into a den of lions, he chose to honor God. In doing so, Daniel gave his LIFE to God.

In each way that God demanded obedience from Daniel, we can see that it was a progressive journey - God didn't demand everything from him all at once. God allowed Daniel to grow as a person and also in his knowledge and trust in God before asking for more. Isn't that incredibly wonderful and comforting to know?

previously titled: on the nature of grief and the mercy of Christ, but now i don't know how to title this mess.

I remember starting this blog with the intention of using it to record my journey as a Christian, discovering God and the vastness of His love and mercy. It's been more than a year since I've posted. I didn't even remember the URL for this. It's just....it's Easter weekend and recently there've been some things that I found out and some things I've learned about myself that I feel like I really need to get my behind in shape (figuratively).

Throughout first year, I feel like I've grown a lot. In case you're wondering, I just finished my first year at Queen's University and will most likely major in psychology next year. Anyway. First time being away from home and all, I felt so blessed that I was raised in a Christian household and had already made a predecision to go to fellowship and church during university, because it would have been so easy to fall off the wagon and dive headfirst into sin. I mean. I was expecting the transition to be somewhat difficult, but I was not expecting it to be so lonely. It's partially a product of my own awkwardness, I guess, but the first couple days away from home were so tough. To say that I'm a sheltered child would be an understatement. I wouldn't say that I'm naive in any sense of the word, but still very young and still with very VERY VERY VERY much to learn. In my time of loneliness, however, my God was with me. God has been so faithful throughout this year, stretching me and molding me but comforting me and showing me in so many different ways that He is there. He is undeniably there.

To be honest, I didn't find much accountability at CCF. When I decided to go to CCF, it was based on one night during frosh week (Welcome Wednesday, lol) when I went and it just reminded me of Kyrios so much and all the frosh were being so open and vulnerable and I was like, "Wow, this is so amazing and encouraging!". And then frosh week ended, we got comfortable, and the vulnerability disappeared. Cliques formed and I found myself, for the most part, on the outside looking in - by choice. I just don't DO 24/7 hangouts and meals, y'know? That's just not me. I also found it very difficult to be vulnerable with people who didn't really appear as if they were listening half the time. At this point I should mention that everyone is at a different point in their spiritual walk, and I just happened to be at a very different point than most of the people I hang around in CCF. But God is so good, and gave me an accountability partner who struggles with much of what I struggle with and is someone I can open up to without fear of judgement or apathy. One friend like this is enough, truly. I've also grown a lot closer with the girl I call my best friend privately in my head. I really don't believe in labels like "best friend", but she's seriously my sister and we've been through so much together and I can't imagine my future with her there with me. Everytime I talk to her, I thank God for letting us have ten wonderful years together, and I pray that He will grant us more.

Rambly and apt to go on tangents. Yep, that's me.

Anyway, back to CCF. A couple weeks ago, before exams started, it was Grad Night, where all the years present something to the grads and some grads come up and share with the entire fellowship. I know it's "GRADS NIGHT', but honestly, I was so blessed by their sharing. I could relate to every single person who shared. There was one individual whose struggle was IDENTICAL to what I am struggling through, and it was just so encouraging. I think I truly realized for the first time that night that we are all such broken people. Every single one of us. It makes God's love for us all the more wondrous. He is so merciful, so patient, so loving.

Anyway. The reason why I ACTUALLY wanted to post today. Today is Easter Sunday, and as I watched four people get baptized, I was really touched by this one person's testimony and how I had no idea what this person was struggling through. I mean, it's not like we're close or anything, but hearing her story made me wish that I was brave enough to talk about my struggles in front of people like that. My own struggle with depression has been exhausting but I think I've been in remission (can I call it that?) for the past year or two-ish and I have no one to praise but God. After all this musing at church, I found out a little piece of news that devastated me on a rather personal level. Two years ago, when the grandfather who had basically raised me died halfway across the world mere weeks after I went to visit him, I learned what grief was. It's a curious feeling. I felt it again when I heard this piece of news. It's not even any of my business. But I guess it's because I care. I'm still struggling, at this moment, with my reaction. I'm torn between asking God "why?" and thanking Him for having a plan, but it's just very confusing.

Today, I also decided to pray for my brother everyday. Pray that he will go to fellowship and be able to develop a group of friends who can one day keep him accountable and also encourage him in his walk with God.

As you've probably realized by now, this blog is really really rambly and just a mesh of feelings and what God is doing in my life. Nothing utterly profound and nothing utterly poignant, but I just feel a need to get it out there. We're more connected than ever in this technological age, but also more isolated than ever. Isolation sucks. I mean, I love my alone time and everything, but more than ever I realize that when God created Adam and said that it is not good for man to be alone, He really meant it. We aren't created for isolation. We're created to be relational creatures. Yepppp.