I was reading through my old journals tonight, and came across the thoughts of a very much boy-crazy 13 year old child. It's crazy how much things can change in just 5 years.

"May 24, 2009
I said I was going to let go. Seriously, who am I kidding? Why do I even try?


September 3, 2009
It's already nearing the start of the school year, and I'm still asking myself that question.

I saw him for the first time in months two days ago. I don't really know what I feel for him right now. But I still think he's perfect for me. He's everything I want. Everything.

What am I going to do?


September 4, 2009
__ was the first time I cried myself to sleep because of a boy. And while I doubt he will be the last, I want to close this chapter in my life. I don't know whether I have the strength to do so.


March 23, 2010
It's funny how time changes some things, and other things, none at all. I think I'm beginning to let myself contemplate new beginnings again, but in the end it all comes down to him."


Again, I just have to reiterate how much time changes things. If I had to write a diary entry tonight, it'd probably read something like this:

"October 8, 2011
It's Thanksgiving weekend, and I'm finally home after a month at school. There is so much to be thankful for, and I think I fully realize that for the first time. I know I'm not always going to be able to keep from taking things for granted, but there is a new kind of awareness now. These past few weeks I feel like I've been taking a crash course in "The World From God's Point Of View Instead Of My Point Of View" and it's been so crazy and so hard, but there's been so much joy in knowing that I am safe in God's large, capable, mighty hands. I'm safe. I have purpose because He is my purpose. I don't know where I'm going, but I trust in the Person who has the map. I'll be okay."

I feel like my heart is waking up again.

I used to think [boy] would have been perfect for me. I used to be "brave". I used to be "assertive" when it came to boys I liked. And in the end all I was left with was a diary full of bitterness and childhood angst.

This time around, I'll put all my trust in the Lord. He knows the desires of my heart. I'm not going to resort to my own methods, nor will I run away into denial and repression.

I'll leave you all with a Psalm that has lifted me up from the darkness, from those mornings when I woke up and wondered if everything was just a bad dream, from those moments when I texted my parents and they didn't reply immediately and I got scared for a minute.

Psalm 30^[a]

    A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple.^[b] Of David.

 ¹ I will exalt you, LORD,
   for you lifted me out of the depths
   and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² LORD my God, I called to you for help,
   and you healed me.
³ You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
   you spared me from going down to the pit.

 ⁴ Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
   praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
   but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
   but rejoicing comes in the morning.

1 Timothy 6:6-12

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root for all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But you, [woman] of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your confession in the presence of many witnesses."

trust.

Life has been hard lately.

I'm going to apologize in advance because this will be a bit of a downer post, but really it isn't because there's so much joy in knowing that God is in control of the entire situation. I will wait and I will trust.

Last Friday, one of my housemates' mom passed away. We found out on Monday. I remember waking up on Tuesday morning completely dazed and wondering whether or not it had actually happened, or whether it was just a bad dream. Reality always hits me in the morning, and I know it's not a dream. My friend was vague about the details of what had happened, but I found out yesterday night that it was suicide. I think in the back of my head I knew that that was what had happened, but hearing it confirmed is so surreal. I go to sleep again, and when I wake up I'm dazed again. In class I'm typing and listening to music and marveling at God's awesome creation (we were studying diatoms. LOL!) and I just wanted to cry. Why do these things happen? Suicide is such an ugly, revealing reality. I think I'm still too dazed to be heartbroken.

I guess I've just been praying and praying and waiting. Tonight during fellowship, I heard God tell me very clearly: "I'm here." It was just so comforting and His Spirit was wrapped around me and my heart and it was so very amazing. It's just throughout this time my friends have been so encouraging and supportive and I guess in turn I've been praying and trying to be a mirror of God's love and compassion to my housemate and God is so clearly working in this situation...I don't even know. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here.

I think what I'm trying to get at is that through it all, I know that God is still good. He is still faithful. Honestly speaking, I don't know whether or not I could say the same thing if it was my mother. But I just pray that God will change me and bend me to His will and make me fall so deep in love with Him that I would be able to say such a thing in a situation like that. God is still so good to me. He is so good to me and I don't deserve any of it, but I am so, SO grateful that He is compassionate and kind and merciful. I feel so comforted by His presence and by the assurance of His love. He is here. He is present. He is alive and working at this moment. I will wait.

hebrews 10: 23-25

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

and lean not on your own understanding

The past month has been one of extreme spiritual turbulence for me. I've struggled with feelings of inadequacy, feelings of doubt, as well as a lack of joy in reading the Scriptures. Looking at it now, I think it might have been a series of spiritual attacks...before I was really discouraged and attributed it my own shortcomings or maybe I was "doing something wrong" with respect to devos/prayer life or whatever, but I don't really know. God has shown me so clearly that my so-called "knowledge" is worthless at His feet, and all I am is just a sinner clinging to the cross. But yeah, recently I've finished reading 1/2/3 John, and there's been some stuff God has placed on my heart that I wrote down while I was in Florida:

1. Religious "tolerance" I saw a church and a temple side by side in Buffalo and my first thought was: "Wow, it's good to see them co-existing." And then the Holy Spirit reacted right away: "Good? How is that good?? My chosen people are still lost!" What a powerful reminder that God called us not to co-exist with people, but to spread His Word (Matt 28:18-20).

2. "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." In Buffalo my mom and brother had an intense fight over something really small. That night as I lay in bed, I could hear my brother's sniffles across the room and see my mom's tears. It broke my heart so see so much strife in the family. How much more it must break God's heart as a parent when we push Him away and continue to sin and do things our way! In Acts 2 when Peter addresses the crowd at Pentecost and tells them of their sin and guilt in putting to death the Son of God, the people were "cut to the heart" (Acts 2:37). By the grace of God, our sin and inequities are washed away through the blood the Christ alone - "The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!" (Mark 1:15).

The one big "take-home" message I got from 1 John is this: DO NOT LOVE THE WORLD. I think for me, this is my biggest temptation, because I have a heart that yearns to see people happy and prosperous and a world at "peace". But Jesus Himself said: "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36). And John, in 1 John, reminds us: "The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." (1 John 2:17). It both IS and ISN'T a matter of materialism for me, because it's not like I'm into brand names and external validation through objects and things, but if I were to be perfectly honest with myself, 90% of my motivation to do well in school is because of my deeply rooted desire to be able to create a future for myself and my family in which we can be comfortable and not have to worry financially. And as I'm stressing about bills and electricity usage and buying textbooks and groceries, the Holy Spirit gently prods me: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6). I just all of a sudden started meditating on that verse as I was walking back from the bookstore this morning, and it's just strange because this was a verse I had memorized when I was very VERY small and hadn't really thought about all that often since then.

Last Friday we didn't have CCF, but some of us ex-froshies (CRYING FOREVER I AM NOT OLD) planned a worship and sharing night near City Park, and I was just so encouraged by that. Our year has gotten closer and I'm so glad that we can share such intimate and vulnerable parts of our struggles and joys. However, at that time I was really struggling with a lack of joy in my relationship with God and was feeling really detached and almost ready to give up. And then yesterday night I went to Bethel's (my church in Kingston) Praise and Power, and night of worship and bonding with students in the area, and was really blown away by the presence of God. It's making me question whether it's the MUSIC that I like, or is it really that I had an encounter with God. Because I truly believe God was in the building last night and all I could really do in the face of my doubt was to pray fervently that my focus would be continually be realigned to Him.

I'm starting on the book of Hebrews now! I'm excited to see what God has in store for me through this book and through this year at school :)

Warning: Lots of rambly random thoughts today!

One year ago, we "graduated" from Kyrios. It's crazy how quick time passes, because these days I'm seriously asking myself "WHERE DID THESE FOUR MONTHS OF SUMMER GO?????" (Complete with caps in my head, no joke). I look back at the year of university that's passed and then I look to the present and my group of brothers and sisters and I can't help but praise God for His goodness and faithfulness to us. God has really blessed our grade so, SO richly throughout the years. We started out as very immature people who couldn't even sit together in Sunday School class (invisible line; boys on one side, girls on the other) to true brothers and sisters who can hold each other accountable and just be there for each other, in a few short years. It's not our own effort that has led to this - it's the sole fact that God is good and chose to bless us in this manner. The fact that even after a year of university, we're all still here, that we all still go to church and that we all still want to pursue a relationship with Him - it's all because of His goodness. I think I might've said it before, but when it comes to the word "good", I've always found it wishy-washy and vague, but somehow when it's used to describe God, it's just right. He is good. There's more to my reasoning behind thinking this way but I don't think I can get it out right at this moment.

And so tonight I was talking with a friend of mine and I was just reminded that as a follower of Christ and a sister to my friends, I do have a responsibility to call them out on the things in their lives that aren't God-pleasing when I see them. But I guess the struggle for me is this - when does it become self-righteous (think sawdust-in-his-eye versus plank-in-my-eye) and when is it done out of brotherly love? There's a specific reason why this is so important to me right now, and it's b/c I have a friend who's in a relationship that I think is destructive and going way too fast. I've gently talked to her about it and our pastor's talked to her about it, but it seems like she's insisting on doing things her way, and I fear that it isn't what God intends for her. I guess instead of worrying about what I should say to her/whether I should intervene/whatnot, I should pray and bring this all back to God's word. God's word has power, and I'm an idiot if I think that what I can come up with can compare to God's perfection recorded within the pages of the Bible.

It seems like every day my prayer list is getting longer and longer. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm presenting Him with just that - a list. I don't want my prayer times to be just me reciting a list, y'know? I'm really craving the intimacy that only He can offer. But I have to confess that I've been lacking in my devo time for the past while, and I think this is one of the ways it is showing :/ GOTTA GET MY ACT TOGETHER AND DIVE INTO HIS WORD!

Y'know, I never realized that fighting temptation may very well be a lifelong battle. You may think I'm totally naive, but think about it for a second - when, in Sunday School, have they EVER taught us that fighting temptation isn't just a one time or two time thing? I grew up with a very vague understanding of the nature of temptation and really, the only thing I knew was that "He will not tempt you beyond what you can bear and will provide a way out for you" (that THAT is mad paraphrased too)! More and more, as I begin to mature and gain the ability to spot problem areas in my life that are recurring, I begin to realize that these things are things I will likely struggle with on a long-term basis, at least. It's not just a one time thing. It highlights even more clearly how broken I am, and how much I need Christ to redeem me. As much as I appreciate the reasoning behind the "Prayer" that a lot of speakers encourage people to pray during those revival events to "ask Jesus in my heart" and such, sometimes I think it's....not good. Not good in the sense that it might leave people with the idea that once you say the prayer, it's a one-time-deal and magically either 1) all your life problems will go away or 2) you're insured for life and no matter what you do now you will gain eternal life. The truth is, we all sin and God hates sin and sin separates us from Him, which essentially means that we need saving and we need God's grace every day of our lives. We can't do it by ourselves. We never had a hope in the first place, apart from God's amazing love.

I remember when I first had that epiphany, I was :O like woah.

Hm. I guess my point is that we're all broken and we all will have to fight temptation daily and it's hard but the power of the Holy Spirit is made perfect in our weakness, so praise God that we have many weaknesses for then the perfect power of the Holy Spirit is made that much more apparent. How did I even come upon this train of thought? Ah, I don't know. This is a very unpolished post.

angel lullabies.

Somehow it seems like every time I post on this blog it's an outpouring of the rawest type of emotion. Or at least one of the tail ends of these particular situations. Before I go on, there's a song I have to share.



For those of you who go to my church and/or have been a part of Kyrios for a couple years, you can probably guess what this entry is about. I don't have the latest information, but if everything had gone according to plan, a baby angel was born yesterday.

I have never lost a child before, and by God's grace may I never have to. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl, but the sheer amount of grief I am feeling right now is incredible. What's even more incredible than the amount of love this baby boy has received from his amazing parents and brother and church community is the fact that God loves him even more. When I was just thinking about how much his parents love him and all the things they might have wanted to one day share with him, I was suddenly struck with this warmth and God showed me very clearly this simple truth: "I love him infinitely more." The song I've shared above is essentially a grieving mother's heartcry; it highlights her tremendous desire to hold and nurture her child, and also her humbling faith in God's goodness. There is so much she wanted to do with this child. But then God's voice rings out clearly:

"I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?"

Truly, who could love us like this? Who could love this baby boy like this? Who ELSE, but the Lord God, our Father and Saviour and Comforter?

We've been going through the book of Jonah as a church for the past 2 months or so, and it's been such a blessing in my life. It's tied in so elegantly into so many parts of my life. One thing I've carried with me since the last sermon on Sunday is a simple but monumental truth, one that should realign the perspective of every Christian:

"for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster." Jonah 4:2b

Tonight, my prayer isn't for answers as to why a godly family had to go through something like this. It is simply for God Himself to carve into my heart this simple truth, and may I never forget it.