So at Kyrios yesterday, we had Bible study. And we were talking about the Holy Spirit.

I guess out of the Trinity, the Holy Spirit has always been the hardest one to understand for me. Maybe it's because we (in all honesty) don't discuss Him as often as we do the Father and the Son. Why is that?

I still sort of struggle withe concept of the Holy Spirit. He's supposed to be a person, but what exactly does that mean? How does He manifest Himself in us and around us? I mean, I'm sure a lot of us have felt the presence of the Spirit before, but just sort of FEEL and ACKNOWLEDGE without really KNOWING.

When I was younger - around 13 or so, there was a time when I was really in tune with God. And during this time, I discovered that the Holy Spirit residing inside me had a personality.

Sounds kind of crazy, doesn't it?

But it's true. I could honestly see a personality. It was kind of surreal, and kind of cool. But more than that, it felt intimate - like He was a good friend of mine.

I really want to be able to recapture that sort of closeness with God. I admit that I've definitely strayed a long way from Him within the past 2 years - more so than ever before. But at the same time, I've matured a lot as a person these past two years and now I really have a clear idea of what I want in life - and that is to serve God.

This is my dream: to be able to serve God by working in missions with a medical focus. It would be amazing for me to be able to work in China, spreading the Word to "my" people or just living out a life of God's love there.

Of course, I still have a long way to go. Schooling aside, I need to grow in Christ a lot more. I need to know more so that I can answer questions as they come. But I'm not going to worry too much about that - I'll do my best and let God do the rest.

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I've cried more than I have in a year in these past couple of days.

First it was pre-TC, and then TC, and then post-TC.

Yeesh.

But waterworks aside, I've really spent the past couple of days simply reflecting. All the emotions and memories from the past six months have really accumulated into the two days when TC happened. Am I even using the word 'accumulated' right? Whatever. It doesn't matter.

It's just.
I don't even know.

TC has left some things very clear to me, and some things even more unclear. What do I do now? I don't want this TC to be like all the other ones I've attended, where I ride out the spiritual high for a month or two, and then slump back into complacency. This TC, more so than any of the other ones, has really emphasized to me the importance of change, and of allowing God to mold me into whatever He wants me to become. I need to become connected with Jesus. I can't make it on my own. There's just no way.

There's been some things (a lot of things, actually), that I haven't been able to let go of. I've prayed, and I've tried, and still - these things remain in my life. And the worst thing is that I KNOW I have to let go of these things before I can continue on with my walk with God. Because these things don't belong in my life. They shouldn't have a place in my life. When did I give them such an important place in my life? When did I allow these things to overtake God in importance? I can hardly believe I've put so much time into the 'now' when 'eternity' is what matters.

I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to "Rescue" again without wanting to cry. Cry, because it gets right to the heart of the matter for me - it hits all my weaknesses. Everything, in this one short song.

You are the source of life, I can't be left behind
No one else will do; I will take hold of You.

I need You Jesus, to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me (I will follow You)

Why should mindless obsessions have any place in my life? (There's no other name by which I am saved)
Why should a desire for more "stuff" have any place in my life? (This world has nothing for me)
Why should pride have any place in my life? (I need You Jesus, to come to my rescue)
Why should fear have any place in my life? (You are the source of life, I can't be left behind)

There truly is no other name by which I am saved. And I am being saved every day. Every single day.

It wasn't very long ago when I still struggled with the concept of salvation. But one day, it just hit me. Maybe it was during Sunday service. Or maybe Kyrios. I don't really remember. But it just came to me: salvation isn't a one-time thing. Where in the world had I come into contact with the belief that salvation was just that one prayer the speaker would lead the congregation into during conferences? It isn't! Until the day I reach perfection, I will need to be saved. But I will never be perfect, so I will always need to be saved.

One of my coaches this year shared how growing up, he had always longed for an "inspiring" testimony, one where maybe he was a drug addict and a gangster and he totally changed when he met Christ. But he had been born into a Christian family and was raised as a Christian. All the time, I hear amazing stories of God's grace working in the lives of very broken people, people who have ventured far off the path He intended for them. And it's equally amazing to see these people being so ON FIRE for Christ.

I was born in a Christian family too. I knew all the Bible stories. I memorized all the verses. I could answer all the questions in the right way. People always told me how mature and good I was. I was your typical good little Christian girl. And yet, these past 3 years have brought me more struggles than I could care to count. I have drifted so far away from God. But then again, maybe I was never close to Him to begin with. I knew OF Christ, but I don't think I truly ever KNEW Him. I never tried to run after Him, never tried to search for Him in my life. There have even been two instances where I can clearly remember wanting to walk away from God forever.

And still I remain.

I can't even begin to fathom the depth of God's mercy and grace.
I can't even imagine.