Throughout first year, I feel like I've grown a lot. In case you're wondering, I just finished my first year at Queen's University and will most likely major in psychology next year. Anyway. First time being away from home and all, I felt so blessed that I was raised in a Christian household and had already made a predecision to go to fellowship and church during university, because it would have been so easy to fall off the wagon and dive headfirst into sin. I mean. I was expecting the transition to be somewhat difficult, but I was not expecting it to be so lonely. It's partially a product of my own awkwardness, I guess, but the first couple days away from home were so tough. To say that I'm a sheltered child would be an understatement. I wouldn't say that I'm naive in any sense of the word, but still very young and still with very VERY VERY VERY much to learn. In my time of loneliness, however, my God was with me. God has been so faithful throughout this year, stretching me and molding me but comforting me and showing me in so many different ways that He is there. He is undeniably there.
To be honest, I didn't find much accountability at CCF. When I decided to go to CCF, it was based on one night during frosh week (Welcome Wednesday, lol) when I went and it just reminded me of Kyrios so much and all the frosh were being so open and vulnerable and I was like, "Wow, this is so amazing and encouraging!". And then frosh week ended, we got comfortable, and the vulnerability disappeared. Cliques formed and I found myself, for the most part, on the outside looking in - by choice. I just don't DO 24/7 hangouts and meals, y'know? That's just not me. I also found it very difficult to be vulnerable with people who didn't really appear as if they were listening half the time. At this point I should mention that everyone is at a different point in their spiritual walk, and I just happened to be at a very different point than most of the people I hang around in CCF. But God is so good, and gave me an accountability partner who struggles with much of what I struggle with and is someone I can open up to without fear of judgement or apathy. One friend like this is enough, truly. I've also grown a lot closer with the girl I call my best friend privately in my head. I really don't believe in labels like "best friend", but she's seriously my sister and we've been through so much together and I can't imagine my future with her there with me. Everytime I talk to her, I thank God for letting us have ten wonderful years together, and I pray that He will grant us more.
Rambly and apt to go on tangents. Yep, that's me.
Anyway, back to CCF. A couple weeks ago, before exams started, it was Grad Night, where all the years present something to the grads and some grads come up and share with the entire fellowship. I know it's "GRADS NIGHT', but honestly, I was so blessed by their sharing. I could relate to every single person who shared. There was one individual whose struggle was IDENTICAL to what I am struggling through, and it was just so encouraging. I think I truly realized for the first time that night that we are all such broken people. Every single one of us. It makes God's love for us all the more wondrous. He is so merciful, so patient, so loving.
Anyway. The reason why I ACTUALLY wanted to post today. Today is Easter Sunday, and as I watched four people get baptized, I was really touched by this one person's testimony and how I had no idea what this person was struggling through. I mean, it's not like we're close or anything, but hearing her story made me wish that I was brave enough to talk about my struggles in front of people like that. My own struggle with depression has been exhausting but I think I've been in remission (can I call it that?) for the past year or two-ish and I have no one to praise but God. After all this musing at church, I found out a little piece of news that devastated me on a rather personal level. Two years ago, when the grandfather who had basically raised me died halfway across the world mere weeks after I went to visit him, I learned what grief was. It's a curious feeling. I felt it again when I heard this piece of news. It's not even any of my business. But I guess it's because I care. I'm still struggling, at this moment, with my reaction. I'm torn between asking God "why?" and thanking Him for having a plan, but it's just very confusing.
Today, I also decided to pray for my brother everyday. Pray that he will go to fellowship and be able to develop a group of friends who can one day keep him accountable and also encourage him in his walk with God.
As you've probably realized by now, this blog is really really rambly and just a mesh of feelings and what God is doing in my life. Nothing utterly profound and nothing utterly poignant, but I just feel a need to get it out there. We're more connected than ever in this technological age, but also more isolated than ever. Isolation sucks. I mean, I love my alone time and everything, but more than ever I realize that when God created Adam and said that it is not good for man to be alone, He really meant it. We aren't created for isolation. We're created to be relational creatures. Yepppp.
