silly silly silly

I just spent the last hour agonizing about someone with relative significance in my life currently. And then I just realized how silly I was being because my focus shouldn't be on how it turns out or whether it will end up the way I want. The focus is to glorify God:

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:31)

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light." (1 Peter 2:9)

I have no confidence, but my confidence is found in my identity in Christ. I don't know the future, but I have hope that will not let me down because it is founded on a Saviour who has never and will never let me down.

Okay. Let's do this.

love.

I know this is an extremely famous passage, but as I was reading the Word of God tonight I was really struck by love and what love really is. I use the word "love" a lot and in various contexts, but for the first time ever I think I should stop using this word so often. Its meaning is diluted by daily use and I forget how amazing and how redemptive love really is. How incomprehensibly good love is. How marvelous love is.

Listen:

"And now I will show you the most excellent way.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was  a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a [woman], I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 12:31b - 13:13)

I think it really says a lot about the wonderful God we worship that He created love. Regardless of all my cynicism about the modern church and watered-down gospel and such, it is an unshakable fact that God is a God who loves. I wanted to add a modifier after "loves" like "a God who loves desperately", but God doesn't NEED our love and thus that's not quite the sentiment I was going for, except adverbs like "strongly" just doesn't cut it. As Paul implies in the latter part of the passage, love is intrinsically connected to the fact that we have hope that whatever's on this Earth isn't all that there is. We have hope that we will one day be reunited with our Heavenly Father. And the reason we have this hope is because of love. Love poured out on a cross, love that nailed our Saviour to a cross and kept Him there, love that gave Him strength to endure.

And now on a completely different note - if this is love, can you all see the power of what Paul writes in Ephesians 5:25 - 27 as part of the instructions for wives and husbands? "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." I used to think this whole wives and husbands passage was really wishy-washy with hugely sexist overtones, but I have since resolved my issues with Biblical submission (lol) and I think I've just realized what a huge calling marriage is from a male perspective. This is no easy standard. Loving a person who will inevitably sin as Christ loves her? Isn't it fortunate, then, that love is a Fruit of the Spirit and is thus cultivated BY the Holy Spirit in us? God enables us to love. Without Him we'd never even have a hope of being able to genuinely love.

:)

Hebrews 8:10-12

This is the covenant I will establish with the people of Israel 
   after that time, declares the Lord. 
I will put my laws in their minds 
   and write them on their hearts. 
I will be their God, 
   and they will be my people. 
¹¹ No longer will they teach their neighbor, 
   or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’ 
because they will all know me, 
   from the least of them to the greatest. 
¹² For I will forgive their wickedness 
   and will remember their sins no more.”^[c]








Off to write my last midterm of this month in about 5 minutes! 


Remember to glorify God in everything that you do! I think I'm finally beginning to understand a little bit of what that means, especially with respect to academics. Yay!


+oil, all you uni students! :)

Luke 10:38-41

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, He came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to Him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to Him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

"'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her.'"




Let us simply be still and adore at the feet of Jesus.

1 Peter 4:8

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."


Amazing love, how sweet the sound.
Amazing love, now flowing down,
From hands and feet that were nailed to a tree.
Grace flows down and covers me.

crazy love

This weekend's been....a kind of boring one. But not really. Boring in the sense that more than 60% of my waking time was spent studying, but it's an improvement from last year, in which 80% of my waking time not in class would be spent watching TV, 10% eating, 5% studying, and the other 5% doing misc. things INCLUDING hanging out with people who are actually important. Wow. What a failure, right? Bahaha. Baby steps, I tell you. Baby steps.

No actually, this weekend was our year prayer meeting AND our KCCF Worship Ministry training session, and by God's grace I was able to attend both :) This year God has really enabled me to find a lot of joy in corporate prayer and I've been making it a priority to actually go to prayer meetings. I honestly don't say much during the meetings, if anything at all, but just being able to pray together with my fellow brothers and sisters is amazing and just leaves me so refreshed. Anyway I was just sharing with 2 other sisters during the prayer meeting and all of a sudden my mind just flipped to this verse:

"Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at His coming. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.'" (1 Peter 1:13-16)

The part that really got to me was the "be holy, because I am holy" part. Recently I've been thinking about parts of my life that are probably not pleasing to God. These are really REALLY basic things that most people, even Christians, would think I'm crazy for "nitpicking" about. For me, this is about the TV I watch. Specifically: The Vampire Diaries. It is currently the only TV show I actively follow and am really quite addicted to. I was just thinking about it, because I can make an entire list of things in the show that I know God hates: drunkenness, premarital sex and lust, substance abuse, swearing in His name, and an entire premise based on witchcraft and vampires. Like, wow. It really should be a no brainer. This show is not pleasing to God at all, and still I'm choosing to watch it. I've talked with some friends about it and stuff, which means the Holy Spirit has definitely been gently nudging at this issue for a while. I guess last night was a really clear and explicit message from Him: "Be holy, for I am holy."

The process of sanctification is an uncomfortable one. And I think it should be, because real change that targets the parts of our lives that we haven't been willing to give back to God is important. There are so many parts of my life that I've compartmentalized and selfishly kept for myself, but something God's really been reminding me about recently is this - His first and greatest commandment, the one upon which all other commandments can be boiled down to, is this: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." (Matthew 23:27) What does it mean to love God with everything I have? What does "everything" even mean? I think the answer is quite clear - when I professed myself to be a follower of Christ, I also stated my intent of giving my ENTIRE LIFE to Christ. Not just the parts I'm comfortable with. This includes the parts that are ugly and selfish and the parts that I want to hide. This includes all the hurts I want to cover up and the victories in life which I really have no claim to. "Everything" means exactly that - every thing.

This is a lot of agonizing over a TV show. Yes, it's just a TV show, and if the world calls me a freak because of it, then let me be known as a freak for Jesus. Because my identity is ultimately founded in Christ and as His child I want to please Him and strive to be more like Him. Baby steps, and step 1 of many for me is this one.

uplift

It's only Wednesday night and I'm already mad exhausted. This week has been CRAZY, with 2 midterms done (2 down, 3 to go over 2 more weeks, sigh...). Today I was just really stressed out because I've been doing really poorly on my genetics quizzes (I MEAN it when I say poorly, this isn't Asian fail lol) and I've kind of been miserable because of the rest of the class has been acing them. I'm probably going to drop my bio minor because I'm just not that interested in the upper year bio courses, and I foresee myself having a hard time haha.

Basically I'm just feeling so drained and thirsty for more. I was going to preread for my diversity lecture tmrw (one of the courses I'm MAD BEHIND in lol) but then I think the Holy Spirit asked me a question: "Nicole - is reading this chapter in your textbook going to fill you up and give you peace? Or is reading the Bible going to?"

No brainer question, lol. I closed my textbook and opened my Bible. I'm currently going through the book of John with my DG and in John 1:23 it says: "John replied in the words of Isaiah the prophet, 'I am the voice of one calling in the desert, "Make straight the way for the Lord."'" I was kind of curious about this calling in the desert thing, so I looked up a crossreference for it and went straight to Isaiah 40, where this verse is basically from.

Isaiah 40

Comfort for God’s People

 ¹ Comfort, comfort my people,
   says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
   and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
   that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
   double for all her sins.

 ³ A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
   the way for the LORD^[a];
make straight in the desert
   a highway for our God.^[b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
   every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
   the rugged places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
   and all people will see it together.
            For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”


 ⁶ A voice says, “Cry out.”
   And I said, “What shall I cry?”
   “All people are like grass,
   and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
   Surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   but the word of our God endures forever.”


 ⁹ You who bring good news to Zion,
   go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,^[c]
   lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
   say to the towns of Judah,
   “Here is your God!”
¹⁰ See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
   and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
   and his recompense accompanies him.
¹¹ He tends his flock like a shepherd:
   He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
   he gently leads those that have young.


 ¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
   or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
   or weighed the mountains on the scales
   and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who can fathom the Spirit^[d] of the LORD,
   or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
¹⁴ Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
   and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
   or showed him the path of understanding?


 ¹⁵ Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
   they are regarded as dust on the scales;
   he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
   nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
¹⁷ Before him all the nations are as nothing;
   they are regarded by him as worthless
   and less than nothing.
 ¹⁸ With whom, then, will you compare God?
   To what image will you liken him?
¹⁹ As for an idol, a metalworker casts it,
   and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
   and fashions silver chains for it.
²⁰ A person too poor to present such an offering
   selects wood that will not rot;
they look for a skilled worker
   to set up an idol that will not topple.


 ²¹ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
   Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
   and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
   and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
²³ He brings princes to naught
   and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
   no sooner are they sown,
   no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
   and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.


 ²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
   Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
   Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
   and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
   not one of them is missing.


 ²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
   Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
   my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

Isn't God amazing? He brought me to this chapter knowing how weary and burdened I was, and let me read an incredible and uplifting chapter full of joy and comfort. God gives strength to the weary (read: me) and the weary (read: ME!) will soar on wings like eagles. What an amazing promise.

To all you university kids: Add oil, and turn to God for replenishment and relaxation! TV/even more studying really isn't the answer and will just stress you out even more. Take time to listen to God's voice! I know that I'll definitely be spending time in prayer tonight just basking in His presence. I hope this passage will be an encouragement to you all in times of stress and worry :)

2 Timothy 3:16-17; 4:1-2

"All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingston: preach the word; be reading in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patient and teaching."

There is such power in the Word of God! To everyone who is currently stressing and losing hair over midterms (like me bahahaha READINGINTENSIVECOURSESLIKEPSYCH), do not grow lax and neglect your Bible during this busy time! There is nothing else on Earth that can comfort you like the Scriptures can. God IS more important than marks and He CAN work in any circumstance. Yay!

I was reading through my old journals tonight, and came across the thoughts of a very much boy-crazy 13 year old child. It's crazy how much things can change in just 5 years.

"May 24, 2009
I said I was going to let go. Seriously, who am I kidding? Why do I even try?


September 3, 2009
It's already nearing the start of the school year, and I'm still asking myself that question.

I saw him for the first time in months two days ago. I don't really know what I feel for him right now. But I still think he's perfect for me. He's everything I want. Everything.

What am I going to do?


September 4, 2009
__ was the first time I cried myself to sleep because of a boy. And while I doubt he will be the last, I want to close this chapter in my life. I don't know whether I have the strength to do so.


March 23, 2010
It's funny how time changes some things, and other things, none at all. I think I'm beginning to let myself contemplate new beginnings again, but in the end it all comes down to him."


Again, I just have to reiterate how much time changes things. If I had to write a diary entry tonight, it'd probably read something like this:

"October 8, 2011
It's Thanksgiving weekend, and I'm finally home after a month at school. There is so much to be thankful for, and I think I fully realize that for the first time. I know I'm not always going to be able to keep from taking things for granted, but there is a new kind of awareness now. These past few weeks I feel like I've been taking a crash course in "The World From God's Point Of View Instead Of My Point Of View" and it's been so crazy and so hard, but there's been so much joy in knowing that I am safe in God's large, capable, mighty hands. I'm safe. I have purpose because He is my purpose. I don't know where I'm going, but I trust in the Person who has the map. I'll be okay."

I feel like my heart is waking up again.

I used to think [boy] would have been perfect for me. I used to be "brave". I used to be "assertive" when it came to boys I liked. And in the end all I was left with was a diary full of bitterness and childhood angst.

This time around, I'll put all my trust in the Lord. He knows the desires of my heart. I'm not going to resort to my own methods, nor will I run away into denial and repression.

I'll leave you all with a Psalm that has lifted me up from the darkness, from those mornings when I woke up and wondered if everything was just a bad dream, from those moments when I texted my parents and they didn't reply immediately and I got scared for a minute.

Psalm 30^[a]

    A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple.^[b] Of David.

 ¹ I will exalt you, LORD,
   for you lifted me out of the depths
   and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² LORD my God, I called to you for help,
   and you healed me.
³ You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
   you spared me from going down to the pit.

 ⁴ Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
   praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
   but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
   but rejoicing comes in the morning.

1 Timothy 6:6-12

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root for all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But you, [woman] of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your confession in the presence of many witnesses."

trust.

Life has been hard lately.

I'm going to apologize in advance because this will be a bit of a downer post, but really it isn't because there's so much joy in knowing that God is in control of the entire situation. I will wait and I will trust.

Last Friday, one of my housemates' mom passed away. We found out on Monday. I remember waking up on Tuesday morning completely dazed and wondering whether or not it had actually happened, or whether it was just a bad dream. Reality always hits me in the morning, and I know it's not a dream. My friend was vague about the details of what had happened, but I found out yesterday night that it was suicide. I think in the back of my head I knew that that was what had happened, but hearing it confirmed is so surreal. I go to sleep again, and when I wake up I'm dazed again. In class I'm typing and listening to music and marveling at God's awesome creation (we were studying diatoms. LOL!) and I just wanted to cry. Why do these things happen? Suicide is such an ugly, revealing reality. I think I'm still too dazed to be heartbroken.

I guess I've just been praying and praying and waiting. Tonight during fellowship, I heard God tell me very clearly: "I'm here." It was just so comforting and His Spirit was wrapped around me and my heart and it was so very amazing. It's just throughout this time my friends have been so encouraging and supportive and I guess in turn I've been praying and trying to be a mirror of God's love and compassion to my housemate and God is so clearly working in this situation...I don't even know. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here.

I think what I'm trying to get at is that through it all, I know that God is still good. He is still faithful. Honestly speaking, I don't know whether or not I could say the same thing if it was my mother. But I just pray that God will change me and bend me to His will and make me fall so deep in love with Him that I would be able to say such a thing in a situation like that. God is still so good to me. He is so good to me and I don't deserve any of it, but I am so, SO grateful that He is compassionate and kind and merciful. I feel so comforted by His presence and by the assurance of His love. He is here. He is present. He is alive and working at this moment. I will wait.