Change. It's funny how people change. It's funny how I change. All my life I've identified with the older brother in the tale of the prodigal son, and yet now I find myself smack dab in the middle of the younger son's (mis)adventures. I'm still stuck in the mud though. Still wondering whether or not my Father will take me back, at least as a servant. Haven't quite mustered up the courage to climb out of the pigpen and start on the long journey home. Maybe it's because I'm not quite sure what I'll find on the horizon as home comes into view.
Why do I doubt? God does not lie. My soul aches for the presence of God, but I'm too afraid to even venture out of this pit. The fact that God loves me still hasn't made its way from my head into my heart.
But still -
"Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'
These things I remember as I pour out my soul; how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.
My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon - from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock, 'Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?'
My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God."
