redeemer and friend, like in the song.

Judges was a hard book to get through. After reading it I was tempted for a moment to think about how depraved the Israelites were and how terribly they had strayed from God, but then I remember my own life and I am humbled. Chastened. I am no different. I sin again and again and I run away from God and I hide from Him because I know I have done wrong but I don't want to deal with it. But God calls to me. He calls to me and urges me back to Him. I know this because when I am hiding from Him, I feel a general sense of discomfort the entire day. I just can't do anything without being right with Him first. I'm disgusted by myself and I wonder at how God can accept me and forgive me, just like that, but then I remember that He is God and I am not, and He is Love and I am not, and that is that.

Last Friday the youth pastor for RH came up to Kingston to speak to us and answer questions that we had for him. There was one question that really struck me - it was, "Since we're human and we can't be perfect anyway, why even bother trying to be like Christ?" In the moment, I was like "WHAT? How can anyone say that?" Upon further thought, I realize and remember that less than 2 years ago, I would have thought the exact same thing. And again I am reminded of the Spirit's work in me everyday, transforming me by His power and only His power because I can do nothing, to become more like Christ. Isn't that amazing? Isn't this redemption? This is redemption! By His blood, and His blood alone.

I've never really been able to see Jesus as a "friend". Recently I think God is ushering me into this direction. It's amazing because I've really seen and felt the relationship dynamic between God and myself shift and change as He wills it. I remember Ian once asked me what I thought about each of the three Persons of God, and my relationship with each one. I remember even back then (okay it wasn't THAT long ago, earlier last summer maybe?) that I had a pretty firm attachment to God the Father and the Holy Spirit as my Comforter and Guide, but I was always pretty vague about Jesus Christ's role in my life. I mean, apart from that of my Saviour, haha. It's because I always think of Him as my Saviour and I'm beginning to feel that this "label" (argh, I wish I had a better word for this...) has introduced some distance between me and my getting to know Him. Jesus Christ was our Saviour, but He also walked with the disciples and people of Israel as a man. He was a Teacher. He was a Friend. All of a sudden I'm filled with a desire to know Jesus in these ways. It's like. An adventure. Ackkkkk I'm excited!

Also finished Ruth today too. A little confused about kinsman-redeemer-ship and the whole threshing floor scene, but hopefully that can be cleared up with my lovely partner tomorrow night :)

"Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed. But just as every good promise of the Lord your God has come true, so the Lord will bring on you all the evil He has threatened, until He has destroyed you from this good land He has given you. If you violate the covenant of the Lord your God, which He commanded you, and go and serve other gods and bow down to them, the Lord's anger will burn against you, and you will quickly perish from the good land He has given you." (Joshua 23:14-16)

There is a marvellous promise within this passage - that God is faithful and trustworthy and that His promises never fail. But do NOT make the mistake of pigeon-holing God into a worldly perception as a benign and only-loving God - our God is one of power and might (something I've really been discovering as I read through the book of Joshua) and He is a just God. His wrath and anger SHOULD terrify the wits out of us. This is the God who created the universe - He is NOT One to be taken lightly. This is why we approach Him with fear and awe and trembling, and the fact that as His children, we can approach His throne with confidence is an honor and blessing beyond comprehension.

Of course, this is still something that I'm learning and struggling through, because I just find it really hard to understand sometimes. This wrath of God - it's not something I grew up associating with God and to be perfectly honest I think I'm a little afraid of thinking of God in this way. I confess that the sugarcoated half-truths offered to me all my life during Sunday School (BUT don't get me wrong - God is DEFINITELY the definition of love and patience and kindness and all the good things in this world and beyond; what I'm saying is that He is not these things to the exclusion of His other characteristics) have been incorporated into my schemas. However, I trust that the Holy Spirit will allow me discernment and understanding as He sees fit to reveal to me, and I know with confidence that God will not allow me to know Him in such a lopsided and incomplete manner.

Okay, I have no idea where those last couple of sentences came from. I have no idea where this confidence comes from. Well, I do. It's from the Holy Spirit. It's crazy how God is always so intimately involved in the tiny details of my life. I trust that He has everything under His perfect control and timing, and I can sleep easy knowing He holds the exact number of my remaining "tomorrows" in the palm of His very capable hand.

like a handprint on my heart.

I think over these past couple of days, I've reached a good place. With respect to academia, I'm just going to take it easy, acknowledge that I am called to be a student at this point in my life, do my best by putting God first, and let Him take care of the rest. Sounds easy, but my entire life has been a struggle to even start with one foot forward in this. With respect to The Boy (as he shall henceforth be addressed), I was really struggling with insecurity issues and silly things a while back but I think I've reached a point where I am not denying this, but at the same time I'm not agonizing over it. I think I've actually let go and placed my feelings at the feet of Christ and am going to let Him lead me through this. It's like God is giving me a second chance to do things right this time around and I've finally gotten it through my thick head that things will make sense when God is in control.

I just. I don't know. Had a really amazing time at frosh dinner tonight (as in, us 2nd years hosting the frosh and cooking for them lol) and was just really encouraged by how much our year has grown and bonded. This time last year I was despairing and asking God what He wanted me to do in CCF, because I just felt like everyone in my year was at a spiritual point that I wasn't at. But slowly and surely He has changed us all - me and my attitude the most, probably - and I've been finding myself so blessed and encouraged by the genuine worship that me and my year have really been experiencing. Like tonight, for example. I'm just so filled with joy at the moment! After most of the frosh had left we just ended up playing some guitar and jamming to some worship tunes, and we brought it all back to Scripture and we were led in a time of sharing and corporate prayer. It was completely spontaneous and led by the Holy Spirit. God really does work in His own time, whether it be in friendships or relationships and whatever. I'm just so excited by what God has in store for our year!

"You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets on human hearts. Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant - not of the letter for of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." (2 Corinthians 3:2-6)

breathe.

School is important, but God is ultimately the most important. I'm really learning that these days. So busy I hardly have time to breathe. Cortisol levels probably through the roof and possible shrinkage of hippocampal volume. All this stuff I know, but there are simple truths I forget that the Holy Spirit gently reminds me about:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Learning how to breathe, one day at a time.

food for thought (i am so hungry right now like woah)

What do you guys think the "meekness" and "gentleness" of Christ means?
(Context: 2 Corinthians 10:1)

with everything;

Today has kind of been an "ughhhhhh" kind of day. Just feeling tired, mopey, and under the weather. It's lovely here right now (PTL FOR NO RAIN!), but I was just feeling a little empty and discouraged.

I was reading the Scripture earlier, and this was what I read:

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

I know the Holy Spirit is with me right now even as I type, because I have never been as moved by Scripture as I have been tonight, and I know that this is God's answer to my heartcry for more. I am not empty; God fills me with His goodness and love.

As I might have mentioned before, recently God has really put these verses on my heart: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:13); "But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.'" (1 Peter 1:15-16). Tonight I read another verse that adds to these ones and really confirms God's calling for us: "For we are the temple of the living God. As God as said: 'I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore come out from them and be separate,' says the Lord." (2 Corinthians 6:16b-17a)

Be separate. What a challenge in today's world! But this isn't just a suggestion for moral and righteous living - this is a COMMAND from the God who created the universe. Be separate; be holy. We can be neither in and of ourselves, but everything comes from the Lord. If we were to try to be righteous and holy by our own power, we'd fail every time. We really have to remember to stay rooted in Christ! "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)

I just feel so blessed this year. It is true that a lot has happened and there has been a lot of hurt and confusion in my life, but there has been so much joy in the certainty of my hope in Christ, and how He has been changing me little by little. I was just thinking last night that God has really given me many small circles of friends and brothers/sisters in Christ that I can really fellowship and grow with without fearing the vulnerability that comes with it. I have always been very afraid of emotional intimacy and letting people in, and for the first time God has shown me that it doesn't have to be painful. I know that God has a lot in store for me and the people around me this year, and it's just exciting and encouraging to see other brothers and sisters really desire God.

Seriously, where else could this joy and excitement come from?