redeemer and friend, like in the song.

Judges was a hard book to get through. After reading it I was tempted for a moment to think about how depraved the Israelites were and how terribly they had strayed from God, but then I remember my own life and I am humbled. Chastened. I am no different. I sin again and again and I run away from God and I hide from Him because I know I have done wrong but I don't want to deal with it. But God calls to me. He calls to me and urges me back to Him. I know this because when I am hiding from Him, I feel a general sense of discomfort the entire day. I just can't do anything without being right with Him first. I'm disgusted by myself and I wonder at how God can accept me and forgive me, just like that, but then I remember that He is God and I am not, and He is Love and I am not, and that is that.

Last Friday the youth pastor for RH came up to Kingston to speak to us and answer questions that we had for him. There was one question that really struck me - it was, "Since we're human and we can't be perfect anyway, why even bother trying to be like Christ?" In the moment, I was like "WHAT? How can anyone say that?" Upon further thought, I realize and remember that less than 2 years ago, I would have thought the exact same thing. And again I am reminded of the Spirit's work in me everyday, transforming me by His power and only His power because I can do nothing, to become more like Christ. Isn't that amazing? Isn't this redemption? This is redemption! By His blood, and His blood alone.

I've never really been able to see Jesus as a "friend". Recently I think God is ushering me into this direction. It's amazing because I've really seen and felt the relationship dynamic between God and myself shift and change as He wills it. I remember Ian once asked me what I thought about each of the three Persons of God, and my relationship with each one. I remember even back then (okay it wasn't THAT long ago, earlier last summer maybe?) that I had a pretty firm attachment to God the Father and the Holy Spirit as my Comforter and Guide, but I was always pretty vague about Jesus Christ's role in my life. I mean, apart from that of my Saviour, haha. It's because I always think of Him as my Saviour and I'm beginning to feel that this "label" (argh, I wish I had a better word for this...) has introduced some distance between me and my getting to know Him. Jesus Christ was our Saviour, but He also walked with the disciples and people of Israel as a man. He was a Teacher. He was a Friend. All of a sudden I'm filled with a desire to know Jesus in these ways. It's like. An adventure. Ackkkkk I'm excited!

Also finished Ruth today too. A little confused about kinsman-redeemer-ship and the whole threshing floor scene, but hopefully that can be cleared up with my lovely partner tomorrow night :)

"Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed. But just as every good promise of the Lord your God has come true, so the Lord will bring on you all the evil He has threatened, until He has destroyed you from this good land He has given you. If you violate the covenant of the Lord your God, which He commanded you, and go and serve other gods and bow down to them, the Lord's anger will burn against you, and you will quickly perish from the good land He has given you." (Joshua 23:14-16)

There is a marvellous promise within this passage - that God is faithful and trustworthy and that His promises never fail. But do NOT make the mistake of pigeon-holing God into a worldly perception as a benign and only-loving God - our God is one of power and might (something I've really been discovering as I read through the book of Joshua) and He is a just God. His wrath and anger SHOULD terrify the wits out of us. This is the God who created the universe - He is NOT One to be taken lightly. This is why we approach Him with fear and awe and trembling, and the fact that as His children, we can approach His throne with confidence is an honor and blessing beyond comprehension.

Of course, this is still something that I'm learning and struggling through, because I just find it really hard to understand sometimes. This wrath of God - it's not something I grew up associating with God and to be perfectly honest I think I'm a little afraid of thinking of God in this way. I confess that the sugarcoated half-truths offered to me all my life during Sunday School (BUT don't get me wrong - God is DEFINITELY the definition of love and patience and kindness and all the good things in this world and beyond; what I'm saying is that He is not these things to the exclusion of His other characteristics) have been incorporated into my schemas. However, I trust that the Holy Spirit will allow me discernment and understanding as He sees fit to reveal to me, and I know with confidence that God will not allow me to know Him in such a lopsided and incomplete manner.

Okay, I have no idea where those last couple of sentences came from. I have no idea where this confidence comes from. Well, I do. It's from the Holy Spirit. It's crazy how God is always so intimately involved in the tiny details of my life. I trust that He has everything under His perfect control and timing, and I can sleep easy knowing He holds the exact number of my remaining "tomorrows" in the palm of His very capable hand.

like a handprint on my heart.

I think over these past couple of days, I've reached a good place. With respect to academia, I'm just going to take it easy, acknowledge that I am called to be a student at this point in my life, do my best by putting God first, and let Him take care of the rest. Sounds easy, but my entire life has been a struggle to even start with one foot forward in this. With respect to The Boy (as he shall henceforth be addressed), I was really struggling with insecurity issues and silly things a while back but I think I've reached a point where I am not denying this, but at the same time I'm not agonizing over it. I think I've actually let go and placed my feelings at the feet of Christ and am going to let Him lead me through this. It's like God is giving me a second chance to do things right this time around and I've finally gotten it through my thick head that things will make sense when God is in control.

I just. I don't know. Had a really amazing time at frosh dinner tonight (as in, us 2nd years hosting the frosh and cooking for them lol) and was just really encouraged by how much our year has grown and bonded. This time last year I was despairing and asking God what He wanted me to do in CCF, because I just felt like everyone in my year was at a spiritual point that I wasn't at. But slowly and surely He has changed us all - me and my attitude the most, probably - and I've been finding myself so blessed and encouraged by the genuine worship that me and my year have really been experiencing. Like tonight, for example. I'm just so filled with joy at the moment! After most of the frosh had left we just ended up playing some guitar and jamming to some worship tunes, and we brought it all back to Scripture and we were led in a time of sharing and corporate prayer. It was completely spontaneous and led by the Holy Spirit. God really does work in His own time, whether it be in friendships or relationships and whatever. I'm just so excited by what God has in store for our year!

"You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets on human hearts. Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant - not of the letter for of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." (2 Corinthians 3:2-6)

breathe.

School is important, but God is ultimately the most important. I'm really learning that these days. So busy I hardly have time to breathe. Cortisol levels probably through the roof and possible shrinkage of hippocampal volume. All this stuff I know, but there are simple truths I forget that the Holy Spirit gently reminds me about:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Learning how to breathe, one day at a time.

food for thought (i am so hungry right now like woah)

What do you guys think the "meekness" and "gentleness" of Christ means?
(Context: 2 Corinthians 10:1)

with everything;

Today has kind of been an "ughhhhhh" kind of day. Just feeling tired, mopey, and under the weather. It's lovely here right now (PTL FOR NO RAIN!), but I was just feeling a little empty and discouraged.

I was reading the Scripture earlier, and this was what I read:

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

I know the Holy Spirit is with me right now even as I type, because I have never been as moved by Scripture as I have been tonight, and I know that this is God's answer to my heartcry for more. I am not empty; God fills me with His goodness and love.

As I might have mentioned before, recently God has really put these verses on my heart: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:13); "But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.'" (1 Peter 1:15-16). Tonight I read another verse that adds to these ones and really confirms God's calling for us: "For we are the temple of the living God. As God as said: 'I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore come out from them and be separate,' says the Lord." (2 Corinthians 6:16b-17a)

Be separate. What a challenge in today's world! But this isn't just a suggestion for moral and righteous living - this is a COMMAND from the God who created the universe. Be separate; be holy. We can be neither in and of ourselves, but everything comes from the Lord. If we were to try to be righteous and holy by our own power, we'd fail every time. We really have to remember to stay rooted in Christ! "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)

I just feel so blessed this year. It is true that a lot has happened and there has been a lot of hurt and confusion in my life, but there has been so much joy in the certainty of my hope in Christ, and how He has been changing me little by little. I was just thinking last night that God has really given me many small circles of friends and brothers/sisters in Christ that I can really fellowship and grow with without fearing the vulnerability that comes with it. I have always been very afraid of emotional intimacy and letting people in, and for the first time God has shown me that it doesn't have to be painful. I know that God has a lot in store for me and the people around me this year, and it's just exciting and encouraging to see other brothers and sisters really desire God.

Seriously, where else could this joy and excitement come from?

silly silly silly

I just spent the last hour agonizing about someone with relative significance in my life currently. And then I just realized how silly I was being because my focus shouldn't be on how it turns out or whether it will end up the way I want. The focus is to glorify God:

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:31)

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light." (1 Peter 2:9)

I have no confidence, but my confidence is found in my identity in Christ. I don't know the future, but I have hope that will not let me down because it is founded on a Saviour who has never and will never let me down.

Okay. Let's do this.

love.

I know this is an extremely famous passage, but as I was reading the Word of God tonight I was really struck by love and what love really is. I use the word "love" a lot and in various contexts, but for the first time ever I think I should stop using this word so often. Its meaning is diluted by daily use and I forget how amazing and how redemptive love really is. How incomprehensibly good love is. How marvelous love is.

Listen:

"And now I will show you the most excellent way.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was  a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a [woman], I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 12:31b - 13:13)

I think it really says a lot about the wonderful God we worship that He created love. Regardless of all my cynicism about the modern church and watered-down gospel and such, it is an unshakable fact that God is a God who loves. I wanted to add a modifier after "loves" like "a God who loves desperately", but God doesn't NEED our love and thus that's not quite the sentiment I was going for, except adverbs like "strongly" just doesn't cut it. As Paul implies in the latter part of the passage, love is intrinsically connected to the fact that we have hope that whatever's on this Earth isn't all that there is. We have hope that we will one day be reunited with our Heavenly Father. And the reason we have this hope is because of love. Love poured out on a cross, love that nailed our Saviour to a cross and kept Him there, love that gave Him strength to endure.

And now on a completely different note - if this is love, can you all see the power of what Paul writes in Ephesians 5:25 - 27 as part of the instructions for wives and husbands? "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." I used to think this whole wives and husbands passage was really wishy-washy with hugely sexist overtones, but I have since resolved my issues with Biblical submission (lol) and I think I've just realized what a huge calling marriage is from a male perspective. This is no easy standard. Loving a person who will inevitably sin as Christ loves her? Isn't it fortunate, then, that love is a Fruit of the Spirit and is thus cultivated BY the Holy Spirit in us? God enables us to love. Without Him we'd never even have a hope of being able to genuinely love.

:)

Hebrews 8:10-12

This is the covenant I will establish with the people of Israel 
   after that time, declares the Lord. 
I will put my laws in their minds 
   and write them on their hearts. 
I will be their God, 
   and they will be my people. 
¹¹ No longer will they teach their neighbor, 
   or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’ 
because they will all know me, 
   from the least of them to the greatest. 
¹² For I will forgive their wickedness 
   and will remember their sins no more.”^[c]








Off to write my last midterm of this month in about 5 minutes! 


Remember to glorify God in everything that you do! I think I'm finally beginning to understand a little bit of what that means, especially with respect to academics. Yay!


+oil, all you uni students! :)

Luke 10:38-41

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, He came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to Him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to Him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

"'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her.'"




Let us simply be still and adore at the feet of Jesus.

1 Peter 4:8

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."


Amazing love, how sweet the sound.
Amazing love, now flowing down,
From hands and feet that were nailed to a tree.
Grace flows down and covers me.

crazy love

This weekend's been....a kind of boring one. But not really. Boring in the sense that more than 60% of my waking time was spent studying, but it's an improvement from last year, in which 80% of my waking time not in class would be spent watching TV, 10% eating, 5% studying, and the other 5% doing misc. things INCLUDING hanging out with people who are actually important. Wow. What a failure, right? Bahaha. Baby steps, I tell you. Baby steps.

No actually, this weekend was our year prayer meeting AND our KCCF Worship Ministry training session, and by God's grace I was able to attend both :) This year God has really enabled me to find a lot of joy in corporate prayer and I've been making it a priority to actually go to prayer meetings. I honestly don't say much during the meetings, if anything at all, but just being able to pray together with my fellow brothers and sisters is amazing and just leaves me so refreshed. Anyway I was just sharing with 2 other sisters during the prayer meeting and all of a sudden my mind just flipped to this verse:

"Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at His coming. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.'" (1 Peter 1:13-16)

The part that really got to me was the "be holy, because I am holy" part. Recently I've been thinking about parts of my life that are probably not pleasing to God. These are really REALLY basic things that most people, even Christians, would think I'm crazy for "nitpicking" about. For me, this is about the TV I watch. Specifically: The Vampire Diaries. It is currently the only TV show I actively follow and am really quite addicted to. I was just thinking about it, because I can make an entire list of things in the show that I know God hates: drunkenness, premarital sex and lust, substance abuse, swearing in His name, and an entire premise based on witchcraft and vampires. Like, wow. It really should be a no brainer. This show is not pleasing to God at all, and still I'm choosing to watch it. I've talked with some friends about it and stuff, which means the Holy Spirit has definitely been gently nudging at this issue for a while. I guess last night was a really clear and explicit message from Him: "Be holy, for I am holy."

The process of sanctification is an uncomfortable one. And I think it should be, because real change that targets the parts of our lives that we haven't been willing to give back to God is important. There are so many parts of my life that I've compartmentalized and selfishly kept for myself, but something God's really been reminding me about recently is this - His first and greatest commandment, the one upon which all other commandments can be boiled down to, is this: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." (Matthew 23:27) What does it mean to love God with everything I have? What does "everything" even mean? I think the answer is quite clear - when I professed myself to be a follower of Christ, I also stated my intent of giving my ENTIRE LIFE to Christ. Not just the parts I'm comfortable with. This includes the parts that are ugly and selfish and the parts that I want to hide. This includes all the hurts I want to cover up and the victories in life which I really have no claim to. "Everything" means exactly that - every thing.

This is a lot of agonizing over a TV show. Yes, it's just a TV show, and if the world calls me a freak because of it, then let me be known as a freak for Jesus. Because my identity is ultimately founded in Christ and as His child I want to please Him and strive to be more like Him. Baby steps, and step 1 of many for me is this one.

uplift

It's only Wednesday night and I'm already mad exhausted. This week has been CRAZY, with 2 midterms done (2 down, 3 to go over 2 more weeks, sigh...). Today I was just really stressed out because I've been doing really poorly on my genetics quizzes (I MEAN it when I say poorly, this isn't Asian fail lol) and I've kind of been miserable because of the rest of the class has been acing them. I'm probably going to drop my bio minor because I'm just not that interested in the upper year bio courses, and I foresee myself having a hard time haha.

Basically I'm just feeling so drained and thirsty for more. I was going to preread for my diversity lecture tmrw (one of the courses I'm MAD BEHIND in lol) but then I think the Holy Spirit asked me a question: "Nicole - is reading this chapter in your textbook going to fill you up and give you peace? Or is reading the Bible going to?"

No brainer question, lol. I closed my textbook and opened my Bible. I'm currently going through the book of John with my DG and in John 1:23 it says: "John replied in the words of Isaiah the prophet, 'I am the voice of one calling in the desert, "Make straight the way for the Lord."'" I was kind of curious about this calling in the desert thing, so I looked up a crossreference for it and went straight to Isaiah 40, where this verse is basically from.

Isaiah 40

Comfort for God’s People

 ¹ Comfort, comfort my people,
   says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
   and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
   that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
   double for all her sins.

 ³ A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
   the way for the LORD^[a];
make straight in the desert
   a highway for our God.^[b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
   every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
   the rugged places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
   and all people will see it together.
            For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”


 ⁶ A voice says, “Cry out.”
   And I said, “What shall I cry?”
   “All people are like grass,
   and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
   Surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   but the word of our God endures forever.”


 ⁹ You who bring good news to Zion,
   go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,^[c]
   lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
   say to the towns of Judah,
   “Here is your God!”
¹⁰ See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
   and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
   and his recompense accompanies him.
¹¹ He tends his flock like a shepherd:
   He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
   he gently leads those that have young.


 ¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
   or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
   or weighed the mountains on the scales
   and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who can fathom the Spirit^[d] of the LORD,
   or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
¹⁴ Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
   and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
   or showed him the path of understanding?


 ¹⁵ Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
   they are regarded as dust on the scales;
   he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
   nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
¹⁷ Before him all the nations are as nothing;
   they are regarded by him as worthless
   and less than nothing.
 ¹⁸ With whom, then, will you compare God?
   To what image will you liken him?
¹⁹ As for an idol, a metalworker casts it,
   and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
   and fashions silver chains for it.
²⁰ A person too poor to present such an offering
   selects wood that will not rot;
they look for a skilled worker
   to set up an idol that will not topple.


 ²¹ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
   Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
   and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
   and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
²³ He brings princes to naught
   and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
   no sooner are they sown,
   no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
   and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.


 ²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
   Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
   Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
   and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
   not one of them is missing.


 ²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
   Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
   my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

Isn't God amazing? He brought me to this chapter knowing how weary and burdened I was, and let me read an incredible and uplifting chapter full of joy and comfort. God gives strength to the weary (read: me) and the weary (read: ME!) will soar on wings like eagles. What an amazing promise.

To all you university kids: Add oil, and turn to God for replenishment and relaxation! TV/even more studying really isn't the answer and will just stress you out even more. Take time to listen to God's voice! I know that I'll definitely be spending time in prayer tonight just basking in His presence. I hope this passage will be an encouragement to you all in times of stress and worry :)

2 Timothy 3:16-17; 4:1-2

"All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingston: preach the word; be reading in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patient and teaching."

There is such power in the Word of God! To everyone who is currently stressing and losing hair over midterms (like me bahahaha READINGINTENSIVECOURSESLIKEPSYCH), do not grow lax and neglect your Bible during this busy time! There is nothing else on Earth that can comfort you like the Scriptures can. God IS more important than marks and He CAN work in any circumstance. Yay!

I was reading through my old journals tonight, and came across the thoughts of a very much boy-crazy 13 year old child. It's crazy how much things can change in just 5 years.

"May 24, 2009
I said I was going to let go. Seriously, who am I kidding? Why do I even try?


September 3, 2009
It's already nearing the start of the school year, and I'm still asking myself that question.

I saw him for the first time in months two days ago. I don't really know what I feel for him right now. But I still think he's perfect for me. He's everything I want. Everything.

What am I going to do?


September 4, 2009
__ was the first time I cried myself to sleep because of a boy. And while I doubt he will be the last, I want to close this chapter in my life. I don't know whether I have the strength to do so.


March 23, 2010
It's funny how time changes some things, and other things, none at all. I think I'm beginning to let myself contemplate new beginnings again, but in the end it all comes down to him."


Again, I just have to reiterate how much time changes things. If I had to write a diary entry tonight, it'd probably read something like this:

"October 8, 2011
It's Thanksgiving weekend, and I'm finally home after a month at school. There is so much to be thankful for, and I think I fully realize that for the first time. I know I'm not always going to be able to keep from taking things for granted, but there is a new kind of awareness now. These past few weeks I feel like I've been taking a crash course in "The World From God's Point Of View Instead Of My Point Of View" and it's been so crazy and so hard, but there's been so much joy in knowing that I am safe in God's large, capable, mighty hands. I'm safe. I have purpose because He is my purpose. I don't know where I'm going, but I trust in the Person who has the map. I'll be okay."

I feel like my heart is waking up again.

I used to think [boy] would have been perfect for me. I used to be "brave". I used to be "assertive" when it came to boys I liked. And in the end all I was left with was a diary full of bitterness and childhood angst.

This time around, I'll put all my trust in the Lord. He knows the desires of my heart. I'm not going to resort to my own methods, nor will I run away into denial and repression.

I'll leave you all with a Psalm that has lifted me up from the darkness, from those mornings when I woke up and wondered if everything was just a bad dream, from those moments when I texted my parents and they didn't reply immediately and I got scared for a minute.

Psalm 30^[a]

    A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple.^[b] Of David.

 ¹ I will exalt you, LORD,
   for you lifted me out of the depths
   and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² LORD my God, I called to you for help,
   and you healed me.
³ You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
   you spared me from going down to the pit.

 ⁴ Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
   praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
   but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
   but rejoicing comes in the morning.

1 Timothy 6:6-12

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root for all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But you, [woman] of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your confession in the presence of many witnesses."

trust.

Life has been hard lately.

I'm going to apologize in advance because this will be a bit of a downer post, but really it isn't because there's so much joy in knowing that God is in control of the entire situation. I will wait and I will trust.

Last Friday, one of my housemates' mom passed away. We found out on Monday. I remember waking up on Tuesday morning completely dazed and wondering whether or not it had actually happened, or whether it was just a bad dream. Reality always hits me in the morning, and I know it's not a dream. My friend was vague about the details of what had happened, but I found out yesterday night that it was suicide. I think in the back of my head I knew that that was what had happened, but hearing it confirmed is so surreal. I go to sleep again, and when I wake up I'm dazed again. In class I'm typing and listening to music and marveling at God's awesome creation (we were studying diatoms. LOL!) and I just wanted to cry. Why do these things happen? Suicide is such an ugly, revealing reality. I think I'm still too dazed to be heartbroken.

I guess I've just been praying and praying and waiting. Tonight during fellowship, I heard God tell me very clearly: "I'm here." It was just so comforting and His Spirit was wrapped around me and my heart and it was so very amazing. It's just throughout this time my friends have been so encouraging and supportive and I guess in turn I've been praying and trying to be a mirror of God's love and compassion to my housemate and God is so clearly working in this situation...I don't even know. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here.

I think what I'm trying to get at is that through it all, I know that God is still good. He is still faithful. Honestly speaking, I don't know whether or not I could say the same thing if it was my mother. But I just pray that God will change me and bend me to His will and make me fall so deep in love with Him that I would be able to say such a thing in a situation like that. God is still so good to me. He is so good to me and I don't deserve any of it, but I am so, SO grateful that He is compassionate and kind and merciful. I feel so comforted by His presence and by the assurance of His love. He is here. He is present. He is alive and working at this moment. I will wait.

hebrews 10: 23-25

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

and lean not on your own understanding

The past month has been one of extreme spiritual turbulence for me. I've struggled with feelings of inadequacy, feelings of doubt, as well as a lack of joy in reading the Scriptures. Looking at it now, I think it might have been a series of spiritual attacks...before I was really discouraged and attributed it my own shortcomings or maybe I was "doing something wrong" with respect to devos/prayer life or whatever, but I don't really know. God has shown me so clearly that my so-called "knowledge" is worthless at His feet, and all I am is just a sinner clinging to the cross. But yeah, recently I've finished reading 1/2/3 John, and there's been some stuff God has placed on my heart that I wrote down while I was in Florida:

1. Religious "tolerance" I saw a church and a temple side by side in Buffalo and my first thought was: "Wow, it's good to see them co-existing." And then the Holy Spirit reacted right away: "Good? How is that good?? My chosen people are still lost!" What a powerful reminder that God called us not to co-exist with people, but to spread His Word (Matt 28:18-20).

2. "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." In Buffalo my mom and brother had an intense fight over something really small. That night as I lay in bed, I could hear my brother's sniffles across the room and see my mom's tears. It broke my heart so see so much strife in the family. How much more it must break God's heart as a parent when we push Him away and continue to sin and do things our way! In Acts 2 when Peter addresses the crowd at Pentecost and tells them of their sin and guilt in putting to death the Son of God, the people were "cut to the heart" (Acts 2:37). By the grace of God, our sin and inequities are washed away through the blood the Christ alone - "The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!" (Mark 1:15).

The one big "take-home" message I got from 1 John is this: DO NOT LOVE THE WORLD. I think for me, this is my biggest temptation, because I have a heart that yearns to see people happy and prosperous and a world at "peace". But Jesus Himself said: "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36). And John, in 1 John, reminds us: "The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." (1 John 2:17). It both IS and ISN'T a matter of materialism for me, because it's not like I'm into brand names and external validation through objects and things, but if I were to be perfectly honest with myself, 90% of my motivation to do well in school is because of my deeply rooted desire to be able to create a future for myself and my family in which we can be comfortable and not have to worry financially. And as I'm stressing about bills and electricity usage and buying textbooks and groceries, the Holy Spirit gently prods me: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6). I just all of a sudden started meditating on that verse as I was walking back from the bookstore this morning, and it's just strange because this was a verse I had memorized when I was very VERY small and hadn't really thought about all that often since then.

Last Friday we didn't have CCF, but some of us ex-froshies (CRYING FOREVER I AM NOT OLD) planned a worship and sharing night near City Park, and I was just so encouraged by that. Our year has gotten closer and I'm so glad that we can share such intimate and vulnerable parts of our struggles and joys. However, at that time I was really struggling with a lack of joy in my relationship with God and was feeling really detached and almost ready to give up. And then yesterday night I went to Bethel's (my church in Kingston) Praise and Power, and night of worship and bonding with students in the area, and was really blown away by the presence of God. It's making me question whether it's the MUSIC that I like, or is it really that I had an encounter with God. Because I truly believe God was in the building last night and all I could really do in the face of my doubt was to pray fervently that my focus would be continually be realigned to Him.

I'm starting on the book of Hebrews now! I'm excited to see what God has in store for me through this book and through this year at school :)

Warning: Lots of rambly random thoughts today!

One year ago, we "graduated" from Kyrios. It's crazy how quick time passes, because these days I'm seriously asking myself "WHERE DID THESE FOUR MONTHS OF SUMMER GO?????" (Complete with caps in my head, no joke). I look back at the year of university that's passed and then I look to the present and my group of brothers and sisters and I can't help but praise God for His goodness and faithfulness to us. God has really blessed our grade so, SO richly throughout the years. We started out as very immature people who couldn't even sit together in Sunday School class (invisible line; boys on one side, girls on the other) to true brothers and sisters who can hold each other accountable and just be there for each other, in a few short years. It's not our own effort that has led to this - it's the sole fact that God is good and chose to bless us in this manner. The fact that even after a year of university, we're all still here, that we all still go to church and that we all still want to pursue a relationship with Him - it's all because of His goodness. I think I might've said it before, but when it comes to the word "good", I've always found it wishy-washy and vague, but somehow when it's used to describe God, it's just right. He is good. There's more to my reasoning behind thinking this way but I don't think I can get it out right at this moment.

And so tonight I was talking with a friend of mine and I was just reminded that as a follower of Christ and a sister to my friends, I do have a responsibility to call them out on the things in their lives that aren't God-pleasing when I see them. But I guess the struggle for me is this - when does it become self-righteous (think sawdust-in-his-eye versus plank-in-my-eye) and when is it done out of brotherly love? There's a specific reason why this is so important to me right now, and it's b/c I have a friend who's in a relationship that I think is destructive and going way too fast. I've gently talked to her about it and our pastor's talked to her about it, but it seems like she's insisting on doing things her way, and I fear that it isn't what God intends for her. I guess instead of worrying about what I should say to her/whether I should intervene/whatnot, I should pray and bring this all back to God's word. God's word has power, and I'm an idiot if I think that what I can come up with can compare to God's perfection recorded within the pages of the Bible.

It seems like every day my prayer list is getting longer and longer. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm presenting Him with just that - a list. I don't want my prayer times to be just me reciting a list, y'know? I'm really craving the intimacy that only He can offer. But I have to confess that I've been lacking in my devo time for the past while, and I think this is one of the ways it is showing :/ GOTTA GET MY ACT TOGETHER AND DIVE INTO HIS WORD!

Y'know, I never realized that fighting temptation may very well be a lifelong battle. You may think I'm totally naive, but think about it for a second - when, in Sunday School, have they EVER taught us that fighting temptation isn't just a one time or two time thing? I grew up with a very vague understanding of the nature of temptation and really, the only thing I knew was that "He will not tempt you beyond what you can bear and will provide a way out for you" (that THAT is mad paraphrased too)! More and more, as I begin to mature and gain the ability to spot problem areas in my life that are recurring, I begin to realize that these things are things I will likely struggle with on a long-term basis, at least. It's not just a one time thing. It highlights even more clearly how broken I am, and how much I need Christ to redeem me. As much as I appreciate the reasoning behind the "Prayer" that a lot of speakers encourage people to pray during those revival events to "ask Jesus in my heart" and such, sometimes I think it's....not good. Not good in the sense that it might leave people with the idea that once you say the prayer, it's a one-time-deal and magically either 1) all your life problems will go away or 2) you're insured for life and no matter what you do now you will gain eternal life. The truth is, we all sin and God hates sin and sin separates us from Him, which essentially means that we need saving and we need God's grace every day of our lives. We can't do it by ourselves. We never had a hope in the first place, apart from God's amazing love.

I remember when I first had that epiphany, I was :O like woah.

Hm. I guess my point is that we're all broken and we all will have to fight temptation daily and it's hard but the power of the Holy Spirit is made perfect in our weakness, so praise God that we have many weaknesses for then the perfect power of the Holy Spirit is made that much more apparent. How did I even come upon this train of thought? Ah, I don't know. This is a very unpolished post.

angel lullabies.

Somehow it seems like every time I post on this blog it's an outpouring of the rawest type of emotion. Or at least one of the tail ends of these particular situations. Before I go on, there's a song I have to share.



For those of you who go to my church and/or have been a part of Kyrios for a couple years, you can probably guess what this entry is about. I don't have the latest information, but if everything had gone according to plan, a baby angel was born yesterday.

I have never lost a child before, and by God's grace may I never have to. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl, but the sheer amount of grief I am feeling right now is incredible. What's even more incredible than the amount of love this baby boy has received from his amazing parents and brother and church community is the fact that God loves him even more. When I was just thinking about how much his parents love him and all the things they might have wanted to one day share with him, I was suddenly struck with this warmth and God showed me very clearly this simple truth: "I love him infinitely more." The song I've shared above is essentially a grieving mother's heartcry; it highlights her tremendous desire to hold and nurture her child, and also her humbling faith in God's goodness. There is so much she wanted to do with this child. But then God's voice rings out clearly:

"I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?"

Truly, who could love us like this? Who could love this baby boy like this? Who ELSE, but the Lord God, our Father and Saviour and Comforter?

We've been going through the book of Jonah as a church for the past 2 months or so, and it's been such a blessing in my life. It's tied in so elegantly into so many parts of my life. One thing I've carried with me since the last sermon on Sunday is a simple but monumental truth, one that should realign the perspective of every Christian:

"for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster." Jonah 4:2b

Tonight, my prayer isn't for answers as to why a godly family had to go through something like this. It is simply for God Himself to carve into my heart this simple truth, and may I never forget it.

all i have to give

Today I learned something about God. Like, legitly learned, not just told-by-someone-I-should-listen-to. God won't ask (from me) more than what I can give. Three Biblical examples of this principle can be found in the stories of Moses, Joseph, and Daniel.

I like Daniel's story the best. As a young Jewish captive in Babylon he was given the opportunity to eat good (but unclean) food. He chose to honor God by refusing. This was a PHYSICAL WAY that God required obedience in and that Daniel chose to follow. As a young adult he chose to protect his time with God and pray 3 times a day, even though doing so would cause scorn and suspicion from his peers and colleagues. This was a SOCIAL/RELATED TO SELF-ESTEEM AREA that God wanted him to submit in. Lastly, when Daniel was essentially asked to deny God or risk being thrown into a den of lions, he chose to honor God. In doing so, Daniel gave his LIFE to God.

In each way that God demanded obedience from Daniel, we can see that it was a progressive journey - God didn't demand everything from him all at once. God allowed Daniel to grow as a person and also in his knowledge and trust in God before asking for more. Isn't that incredibly wonderful and comforting to know?

previously titled: on the nature of grief and the mercy of Christ, but now i don't know how to title this mess.

I remember starting this blog with the intention of using it to record my journey as a Christian, discovering God and the vastness of His love and mercy. It's been more than a year since I've posted. I didn't even remember the URL for this. It's just....it's Easter weekend and recently there've been some things that I found out and some things I've learned about myself that I feel like I really need to get my behind in shape (figuratively).

Throughout first year, I feel like I've grown a lot. In case you're wondering, I just finished my first year at Queen's University and will most likely major in psychology next year. Anyway. First time being away from home and all, I felt so blessed that I was raised in a Christian household and had already made a predecision to go to fellowship and church during university, because it would have been so easy to fall off the wagon and dive headfirst into sin. I mean. I was expecting the transition to be somewhat difficult, but I was not expecting it to be so lonely. It's partially a product of my own awkwardness, I guess, but the first couple days away from home were so tough. To say that I'm a sheltered child would be an understatement. I wouldn't say that I'm naive in any sense of the word, but still very young and still with very VERY VERY VERY much to learn. In my time of loneliness, however, my God was with me. God has been so faithful throughout this year, stretching me and molding me but comforting me and showing me in so many different ways that He is there. He is undeniably there.

To be honest, I didn't find much accountability at CCF. When I decided to go to CCF, it was based on one night during frosh week (Welcome Wednesday, lol) when I went and it just reminded me of Kyrios so much and all the frosh were being so open and vulnerable and I was like, "Wow, this is so amazing and encouraging!". And then frosh week ended, we got comfortable, and the vulnerability disappeared. Cliques formed and I found myself, for the most part, on the outside looking in - by choice. I just don't DO 24/7 hangouts and meals, y'know? That's just not me. I also found it very difficult to be vulnerable with people who didn't really appear as if they were listening half the time. At this point I should mention that everyone is at a different point in their spiritual walk, and I just happened to be at a very different point than most of the people I hang around in CCF. But God is so good, and gave me an accountability partner who struggles with much of what I struggle with and is someone I can open up to without fear of judgement or apathy. One friend like this is enough, truly. I've also grown a lot closer with the girl I call my best friend privately in my head. I really don't believe in labels like "best friend", but she's seriously my sister and we've been through so much together and I can't imagine my future with her there with me. Everytime I talk to her, I thank God for letting us have ten wonderful years together, and I pray that He will grant us more.

Rambly and apt to go on tangents. Yep, that's me.

Anyway, back to CCF. A couple weeks ago, before exams started, it was Grad Night, where all the years present something to the grads and some grads come up and share with the entire fellowship. I know it's "GRADS NIGHT', but honestly, I was so blessed by their sharing. I could relate to every single person who shared. There was one individual whose struggle was IDENTICAL to what I am struggling through, and it was just so encouraging. I think I truly realized for the first time that night that we are all such broken people. Every single one of us. It makes God's love for us all the more wondrous. He is so merciful, so patient, so loving.

Anyway. The reason why I ACTUALLY wanted to post today. Today is Easter Sunday, and as I watched four people get baptized, I was really touched by this one person's testimony and how I had no idea what this person was struggling through. I mean, it's not like we're close or anything, but hearing her story made me wish that I was brave enough to talk about my struggles in front of people like that. My own struggle with depression has been exhausting but I think I've been in remission (can I call it that?) for the past year or two-ish and I have no one to praise but God. After all this musing at church, I found out a little piece of news that devastated me on a rather personal level. Two years ago, when the grandfather who had basically raised me died halfway across the world mere weeks after I went to visit him, I learned what grief was. It's a curious feeling. I felt it again when I heard this piece of news. It's not even any of my business. But I guess it's because I care. I'm still struggling, at this moment, with my reaction. I'm torn between asking God "why?" and thanking Him for having a plan, but it's just very confusing.

Today, I also decided to pray for my brother everyday. Pray that he will go to fellowship and be able to develop a group of friends who can one day keep him accountable and also encourage him in his walk with God.

As you've probably realized by now, this blog is really really rambly and just a mesh of feelings and what God is doing in my life. Nothing utterly profound and nothing utterly poignant, but I just feel a need to get it out there. We're more connected than ever in this technological age, but also more isolated than ever. Isolation sucks. I mean, I love my alone time and everything, but more than ever I realize that when God created Adam and said that it is not good for man to be alone, He really meant it. We aren't created for isolation. We're created to be relational creatures. Yepppp.