Warning: Lots of rambly random thoughts today!

One year ago, we "graduated" from Kyrios. It's crazy how quick time passes, because these days I'm seriously asking myself "WHERE DID THESE FOUR MONTHS OF SUMMER GO?????" (Complete with caps in my head, no joke). I look back at the year of university that's passed and then I look to the present and my group of brothers and sisters and I can't help but praise God for His goodness and faithfulness to us. God has really blessed our grade so, SO richly throughout the years. We started out as very immature people who couldn't even sit together in Sunday School class (invisible line; boys on one side, girls on the other) to true brothers and sisters who can hold each other accountable and just be there for each other, in a few short years. It's not our own effort that has led to this - it's the sole fact that God is good and chose to bless us in this manner. The fact that even after a year of university, we're all still here, that we all still go to church and that we all still want to pursue a relationship with Him - it's all because of His goodness. I think I might've said it before, but when it comes to the word "good", I've always found it wishy-washy and vague, but somehow when it's used to describe God, it's just right. He is good. There's more to my reasoning behind thinking this way but I don't think I can get it out right at this moment.

And so tonight I was talking with a friend of mine and I was just reminded that as a follower of Christ and a sister to my friends, I do have a responsibility to call them out on the things in their lives that aren't God-pleasing when I see them. But I guess the struggle for me is this - when does it become self-righteous (think sawdust-in-his-eye versus plank-in-my-eye) and when is it done out of brotherly love? There's a specific reason why this is so important to me right now, and it's b/c I have a friend who's in a relationship that I think is destructive and going way too fast. I've gently talked to her about it and our pastor's talked to her about it, but it seems like she's insisting on doing things her way, and I fear that it isn't what God intends for her. I guess instead of worrying about what I should say to her/whether I should intervene/whatnot, I should pray and bring this all back to God's word. God's word has power, and I'm an idiot if I think that what I can come up with can compare to God's perfection recorded within the pages of the Bible.

It seems like every day my prayer list is getting longer and longer. But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm presenting Him with just that - a list. I don't want my prayer times to be just me reciting a list, y'know? I'm really craving the intimacy that only He can offer. But I have to confess that I've been lacking in my devo time for the past while, and I think this is one of the ways it is showing :/ GOTTA GET MY ACT TOGETHER AND DIVE INTO HIS WORD!

Y'know, I never realized that fighting temptation may very well be a lifelong battle. You may think I'm totally naive, but think about it for a second - when, in Sunday School, have they EVER taught us that fighting temptation isn't just a one time or two time thing? I grew up with a very vague understanding of the nature of temptation and really, the only thing I knew was that "He will not tempt you beyond what you can bear and will provide a way out for you" (that THAT is mad paraphrased too)! More and more, as I begin to mature and gain the ability to spot problem areas in my life that are recurring, I begin to realize that these things are things I will likely struggle with on a long-term basis, at least. It's not just a one time thing. It highlights even more clearly how broken I am, and how much I need Christ to redeem me. As much as I appreciate the reasoning behind the "Prayer" that a lot of speakers encourage people to pray during those revival events to "ask Jesus in my heart" and such, sometimes I think it's....not good. Not good in the sense that it might leave people with the idea that once you say the prayer, it's a one-time-deal and magically either 1) all your life problems will go away or 2) you're insured for life and no matter what you do now you will gain eternal life. The truth is, we all sin and God hates sin and sin separates us from Him, which essentially means that we need saving and we need God's grace every day of our lives. We can't do it by ourselves. We never had a hope in the first place, apart from God's amazing love.

I remember when I first had that epiphany, I was :O like woah.

Hm. I guess my point is that we're all broken and we all will have to fight temptation daily and it's hard but the power of the Holy Spirit is made perfect in our weakness, so praise God that we have many weaknesses for then the perfect power of the Holy Spirit is made that much more apparent. How did I even come upon this train of thought? Ah, I don't know. This is a very unpolished post.

angel lullabies.

Somehow it seems like every time I post on this blog it's an outpouring of the rawest type of emotion. Or at least one of the tail ends of these particular situations. Before I go on, there's a song I have to share.



For those of you who go to my church and/or have been a part of Kyrios for a couple years, you can probably guess what this entry is about. I don't have the latest information, but if everything had gone according to plan, a baby angel was born yesterday.

I have never lost a child before, and by God's grace may I never have to. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl, but the sheer amount of grief I am feeling right now is incredible. What's even more incredible than the amount of love this baby boy has received from his amazing parents and brother and church community is the fact that God loves him even more. When I was just thinking about how much his parents love him and all the things they might have wanted to one day share with him, I was suddenly struck with this warmth and God showed me very clearly this simple truth: "I love him infinitely more." The song I've shared above is essentially a grieving mother's heartcry; it highlights her tremendous desire to hold and nurture her child, and also her humbling faith in God's goodness. There is so much she wanted to do with this child. But then God's voice rings out clearly:

"I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?"

Truly, who could love us like this? Who could love this baby boy like this? Who ELSE, but the Lord God, our Father and Saviour and Comforter?

We've been going through the book of Jonah as a church for the past 2 months or so, and it's been such a blessing in my life. It's tied in so elegantly into so many parts of my life. One thing I've carried with me since the last sermon on Sunday is a simple but monumental truth, one that should realign the perspective of every Christian:

"for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster." Jonah 4:2b

Tonight, my prayer isn't for answers as to why a godly family had to go through something like this. It is simply for God Himself to carve into my heart this simple truth, and may I never forget it.