KCCF retreat '12: no other gods

Hello!

This past weekend was the KCCF retreat, with a theme centered around the sin of idolatry and how it relates to all of our lives. It was also the first time I have EVER led a small group in Bible study, and it has been truly amazing to see how God uses people for His good purposes. I've been saying this to all my friends and parents and just about whoever else will listen (lol), but I seriously had no idea what I was doing, being a small group leader. I've never had any intention to lead a Bible study before. I've never really considered leading DG or SG before. I just figured it wasn't in my ballpark of talents/gifts or whatever. Way out of comfort zone, y'know? Worship was where it was at for me. It was something I grew up doing, something that's buoyed me through so many difficult times in my life. For me, musical worship can bring me so close to God and is one of the most precious ways for me to bask in His presence. For someone as socially phobic and awkward as I am, you can imagine how much more stressful it would be to lead a small group and have to be honest and genuine and vulnerable with a group of girls I may not even know that well.

Well.

For some reason, God called me to be an SG leader this year. After receiving confirmation of this calling from several close friends and my parents, I decided to be obedient to this call. And God has blessed me so, SO much throughout this weekend and just through the week I was preparing for it. I remember my accountability partner telling me that the awesome thing about leading Bible study was that as you prepare for it and study the Word and pray and ask God for wisdom and the words to say, your focus shifts completely to Him and Him alone. It's just so true. I found myself praying in every idle moment because I was just so afraid of what was to come. I have no idea how to lead a small group. I have no idea how to teach and my knowledge is so, SO limited that I wouldn't even know what to say even if I wasn't socially challenged. While I was walking to class, while I was in the library, while I was at home just studying the material, I just kept asking God: "What are You doing???" But I think I have to make it clear that I didn't doubt that God would use me as He intended - I knew I would be okay because God was enabling me and leading me. Still, I was confused and completely uncomfortable with the idea. Just plain freaking out.

We got to the retreat place. Settled in. Was lead in worship. As soon as the music began to play I started to tear. And you have to understand - I really don't cry during worship that much, especially with no previous emotional stimulation haha. It kind of surprised me. But I just knew that God was in that place, and that I would be okay. Just kept praying that God would lead me and give me the words to say, because I sure didn't have them. AND THEN. THE MOMENT OF TRUTH. (Wow I am being so melodramatic about this.)

First of all, I knew that God fully intended me to lead SG during this retreat because honestly, I took one look at the list of girls in my group and I burst out laughing. Out of the 5 girls in our group, one was my cell group leader from last year, one was my own retreat small group leader from last year, 2 were from Kyrios, and 1 was a new-ish girl from my year that I had recently started talking to. Uh, God is kind of amazing. Okay, who am I kidding - He is SO amazing and SO good! He blessed me with a group I was comfortable talking to. And then as we started, it became clear that there would not be many awkward silences - something I was supremely scared of. These girls were so genuine, so willing to share about personal aspects of their lives.

I think in the first session I had a sort of desire to prove myself. As soon as I tried to take control though, God really humbled me through the girls in my group. One of the girls just completely took the words out of my mouth, and I realized that I am merely an instrument of God - unworthy and unqualified, but the product of grace alone. And after our session ended, I was with the three older girls (my co-leader, who is also my current DGL, and my two ex-CGL/SGLs) and was just sharing with them about my fears and how I had no idea why God called me to be an SGL this time around, but they were just, so, SO encouraging and loving. After this first Bible study, my prayers changed. I started to pray just for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and that may every single word that came out of my mouth be from the Spirit and from the Spirit alone. That God keep me silent if He wanted me to, and to speak only when He wanted me to. That it would be okay if I didn't say a word throughout the entire Bible study, if that was what He wanted. God carried me through the remaining Bible studies. It was all God, and I am so thankful and in awe that I worship a God who is SO big but draws so close.

I guess another thing that was fairly significant was the late-night sharing on the last night. For me, it was a lot more emotional than last years'. There was just so much brokenness and pain in the individuals of the fellowship. It's crazy, because honestly in terms of fellowships I've seen, we're pretty strong and very God-centered as a whole, but there's just so much hurt in the people. I mean, I know that logically pain and a relationship with God isn't mutually exclusive (1 Peter 4:12 anyone? Haha), but I think unconsciously I've been conditioned to think that Christians in general don't suffer. It's completely stupid, because even as I look in my own life, there have been so much hurt and so many dark times - it's silly to think I was the only one going through it. But yeah, last night just filled me with so many turbulent emotions - I wanted to cry but couldn't and there was no catharsis to be found from talking or praying because I couldn't even find the words. I didn't think I would be able to sleep right away either, so I just ended up with two friends on the piano and singing. It was just one of those moments where I know God understood the emotion behind the songs we were singing.

But yeah. Last thing - God has just blessed me so, SO much through the brothers and sisters in my fellowship. I mean, I was good friends with a lot of them to begin with during last year, but the fact that we share a belief in and love for Christ just makes it that much more of a blessing because we're able to pray for each other and rebuke in love and encourage and edify in ways that just wouldn't be possible if one of us was a non-believer. Because of God's amazing work in both myself and the other people in my year, it's really beginning to look a little like the fellowship of believers in Acts 2:42-47. And this brings me so, SO much joy. I can't even explain it. I know that I have brothers and sisters who've got my back. Who ask me how they can pray for me. Who understand my frequent inability to explain how I'm feeling and instead lead me to a piano or guitar so I can play them out. I think I've said this a billion times by now, but I honestly did not think this would be possible a year ago. I am so blessed.

I don't think I can get all my thoughts out yet. Needs more processing time, haha. Will update later? Will leave you all with a passage I've been holding close to my heart recently: "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." (Colossians 3:1-4)

i haven't forgotten about this blog...

It's been more than a month! Don't take this as proof that I haven't been communing with God on a daily basis - no worries about that. But with the stress of finals and the loaft-iness of holidays, this blog hasn't really been a priority :P As 1st semester finishes and 2nd semester starts, I continue to hold fast to the belief that God is the only thing that allowed me to survive that last set of exams. I really don't know how I did it. It stretched me to my limits physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I mean, sure, they're ONLY EXAMS and they won't matter in the long run, but still. Sigh.

Update!

God's been teaching me and challenging me a lot and demanding obedience from me in many different areas. One of the most vivid lessons I remember learning was 2 days before my final exam, during OBF on Sunday. We had been going through the Christmas story (the REAL one, not the "Hallmark" version, as our pastor puts it xD) and  I was just so convicted by the events in  Matthew 2:9-14: 


"After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. ¹⁰ When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. ¹¹ On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. ¹² And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route. ¹³ When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.” ¹⁴ So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, ¹⁵ where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”" 


This obedience. This miraculous Providence from God. I remember sitting in my chair and thinking about young Mary, who was probably younger than I am now, and Joseph, probably only a little bit older. How much faith, and how much  courage did it take for them to literally uproot their little family in the middle of the night and flee? What incredible courage and faith and obedience. I just remember being so awed by how God had given Mary and Joseph the resources necessary for such a move - the costly gifts of the Magi, of course. I never saw the connection when I was younger and even now for some people it might not be as big of a deal, but for someone as pragmatic as I am, this really caught my attention - like God was hitting me over the head with a newspaper affectionately, telling me that He WILL provide and that I shouldn't worry. I was so convicted and humbled and overcome with sorrow and feelings of unworthiness because I knew that this kind of obedience wasn't something I was/am capable of probably. 


Fast forward to now. Had a bit of another emotional breakdown yesterday due a whole lot of LIFE stuff. Coming back to Kingston after a comfortable 2 weeks at home, having some silly and some VERY PRESSING house problems - it was a little overwhelming. I was up to my eyeballs in anxiety and worries, much of which was rooted in money, even though there's never been a real reason for me to worry about it. This is, by extension, essentially distrust in God and lack of faith. Which, as you can imagine, is BAD. I was just so convicted by the passages I read in 1 Kings 17-18, from the faith of the widow to Elijah's trust and confidence in God's might. And as I prayed last night, I was just made so aware of the fact that I CAN'T. Capitals intended. I just CAN'T. I can't handle life by myself, and this is why I turn to things to distract me - things like TV/fandom/etc. I CAN'T, but God CAN. God is ABLE. God is able, and what's more is that God drew me back to His side. He didn't let me languish. 


I spent the rest of the night just praying and meditating on His word and drifted off. It was like I finally let go. Accepted that I couldn't do anything. Let God take me and mend me. I'm still in repair. Letting Jesus have all my hurt and frustration for real for the first time, y'know? It was so liberating. Even now, as I sit in the library (only 2nd day of school...sigh....SIGH....), I'm still so at peace. And it's different from denial. It's complete confidence that God has me where He wants me and learning to trust that He CAN handle everything. That no matter what happens, this is still true: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)


God is good. Yay!

redeemer and friend, like in the song.

Judges was a hard book to get through. After reading it I was tempted for a moment to think about how depraved the Israelites were and how terribly they had strayed from God, but then I remember my own life and I am humbled. Chastened. I am no different. I sin again and again and I run away from God and I hide from Him because I know I have done wrong but I don't want to deal with it. But God calls to me. He calls to me and urges me back to Him. I know this because when I am hiding from Him, I feel a general sense of discomfort the entire day. I just can't do anything without being right with Him first. I'm disgusted by myself and I wonder at how God can accept me and forgive me, just like that, but then I remember that He is God and I am not, and He is Love and I am not, and that is that.

Last Friday the youth pastor for RH came up to Kingston to speak to us and answer questions that we had for him. There was one question that really struck me - it was, "Since we're human and we can't be perfect anyway, why even bother trying to be like Christ?" In the moment, I was like "WHAT? How can anyone say that?" Upon further thought, I realize and remember that less than 2 years ago, I would have thought the exact same thing. And again I am reminded of the Spirit's work in me everyday, transforming me by His power and only His power because I can do nothing, to become more like Christ. Isn't that amazing? Isn't this redemption? This is redemption! By His blood, and His blood alone.

I've never really been able to see Jesus as a "friend". Recently I think God is ushering me into this direction. It's amazing because I've really seen and felt the relationship dynamic between God and myself shift and change as He wills it. I remember Ian once asked me what I thought about each of the three Persons of God, and my relationship with each one. I remember even back then (okay it wasn't THAT long ago, earlier last summer maybe?) that I had a pretty firm attachment to God the Father and the Holy Spirit as my Comforter and Guide, but I was always pretty vague about Jesus Christ's role in my life. I mean, apart from that of my Saviour, haha. It's because I always think of Him as my Saviour and I'm beginning to feel that this "label" (argh, I wish I had a better word for this...) has introduced some distance between me and my getting to know Him. Jesus Christ was our Saviour, but He also walked with the disciples and people of Israel as a man. He was a Teacher. He was a Friend. All of a sudden I'm filled with a desire to know Jesus in these ways. It's like. An adventure. Ackkkkk I'm excited!

Also finished Ruth today too. A little confused about kinsman-redeemer-ship and the whole threshing floor scene, but hopefully that can be cleared up with my lovely partner tomorrow night :)

"Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed. But just as every good promise of the Lord your God has come true, so the Lord will bring on you all the evil He has threatened, until He has destroyed you from this good land He has given you. If you violate the covenant of the Lord your God, which He commanded you, and go and serve other gods and bow down to them, the Lord's anger will burn against you, and you will quickly perish from the good land He has given you." (Joshua 23:14-16)

There is a marvellous promise within this passage - that God is faithful and trustworthy and that His promises never fail. But do NOT make the mistake of pigeon-holing God into a worldly perception as a benign and only-loving God - our God is one of power and might (something I've really been discovering as I read through the book of Joshua) and He is a just God. His wrath and anger SHOULD terrify the wits out of us. This is the God who created the universe - He is NOT One to be taken lightly. This is why we approach Him with fear and awe and trembling, and the fact that as His children, we can approach His throne with confidence is an honor and blessing beyond comprehension.

Of course, this is still something that I'm learning and struggling through, because I just find it really hard to understand sometimes. This wrath of God - it's not something I grew up associating with God and to be perfectly honest I think I'm a little afraid of thinking of God in this way. I confess that the sugarcoated half-truths offered to me all my life during Sunday School (BUT don't get me wrong - God is DEFINITELY the definition of love and patience and kindness and all the good things in this world and beyond; what I'm saying is that He is not these things to the exclusion of His other characteristics) have been incorporated into my schemas. However, I trust that the Holy Spirit will allow me discernment and understanding as He sees fit to reveal to me, and I know with confidence that God will not allow me to know Him in such a lopsided and incomplete manner.

Okay, I have no idea where those last couple of sentences came from. I have no idea where this confidence comes from. Well, I do. It's from the Holy Spirit. It's crazy how God is always so intimately involved in the tiny details of my life. I trust that He has everything under His perfect control and timing, and I can sleep easy knowing He holds the exact number of my remaining "tomorrows" in the palm of His very capable hand.

like a handprint on my heart.

I think over these past couple of days, I've reached a good place. With respect to academia, I'm just going to take it easy, acknowledge that I am called to be a student at this point in my life, do my best by putting God first, and let Him take care of the rest. Sounds easy, but my entire life has been a struggle to even start with one foot forward in this. With respect to The Boy (as he shall henceforth be addressed), I was really struggling with insecurity issues and silly things a while back but I think I've reached a point where I am not denying this, but at the same time I'm not agonizing over it. I think I've actually let go and placed my feelings at the feet of Christ and am going to let Him lead me through this. It's like God is giving me a second chance to do things right this time around and I've finally gotten it through my thick head that things will make sense when God is in control.

I just. I don't know. Had a really amazing time at frosh dinner tonight (as in, us 2nd years hosting the frosh and cooking for them lol) and was just really encouraged by how much our year has grown and bonded. This time last year I was despairing and asking God what He wanted me to do in CCF, because I just felt like everyone in my year was at a spiritual point that I wasn't at. But slowly and surely He has changed us all - me and my attitude the most, probably - and I've been finding myself so blessed and encouraged by the genuine worship that me and my year have really been experiencing. Like tonight, for example. I'm just so filled with joy at the moment! After most of the frosh had left we just ended up playing some guitar and jamming to some worship tunes, and we brought it all back to Scripture and we were led in a time of sharing and corporate prayer. It was completely spontaneous and led by the Holy Spirit. God really does work in His own time, whether it be in friendships or relationships and whatever. I'm just so excited by what God has in store for our year!

"You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets on human hearts. Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant - not of the letter for of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." (2 Corinthians 3:2-6)

breathe.

School is important, but God is ultimately the most important. I'm really learning that these days. So busy I hardly have time to breathe. Cortisol levels probably through the roof and possible shrinkage of hippocampal volume. All this stuff I know, but there are simple truths I forget that the Holy Spirit gently reminds me about:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Learning how to breathe, one day at a time.

food for thought (i am so hungry right now like woah)

What do you guys think the "meekness" and "gentleness" of Christ means?
(Context: 2 Corinthians 10:1)