"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." (Song of Songs 2:7)
It is never a good idea to bare your soul to the Internet, and this is why I am really giving quite an abbreviated version what of what this post could have been right now. There really is so much joy in my life through all the busyness right now, and so much that I'm learning and being challenged with that I want to share with you all! This week has been tough both physically and mentally, with 2 midterms (finally done, PTL!), 1 quiz, and 2 large essays/papers that are due on Monday and Wednesday. It's been stressful, but praise God that I've been able to get through most of it with my sanity intact and with my relationship with Him unscathed :)
As I've mentioned before, for the past month or so I've been so challenged to find all my fulfillment and contentment in Christ alone, and it's gotten even harder recently. It's kind of strange to say that it's hard because while it's not untrue, there has also been so much joy in coming to the LORD on my knees and struggling in prayer, and knowing that He's right there and that He has willed this time of challenges and struggle for His glory and for my good. I am so excited to see what He has in store for me, and sometimes it's such a battle for patience and faith!
Anyway. Tonight we had a "brief" DG meeting (haha, still took us 2 hours!) and afterwards I had a bit of a chat with my DGL. A lot of friendship dynamics in our year have been changing and I'd been feeling a little lost, and this was something that I really needed to get accountability for, and I knew my DGL was the girl to go to :) As we talked and shared, I came to a rather funny realization. And this is funny and makes me feel slightly stupid because it's so basic, but it just highlights God's wisdom and perfect timing even more. As we were wrapping up in what I told her, my DGL said she was going to pray for me, and then asked me whether I was going to pray to ask God to take away the distraction of attraction, or to take away the attraction itself. I was kind of still for a minute, because I realized right then and there that distraction ABOUT attraction (i.e., making him into an idol, having him become such a persistent thought in my mind that he becomes number 1) and attraction ITSELF are two completely different things! It is quite possible to have one (attraction) without the other (distraction), for all things are possible through God who gives us strength! I guess all my life I'd been told to "wait", whatever that meant. It's just. What was I waiting for, exactly? The "right" guy? For me to be "ready"? What did this all even mean?
When this first started becoming a conscious thing for me, I remember praying to God about it and kind of asking Him to protect my heart and keep Him first in my life, because I knew how easily I nosedived into these kinds of things, and I felt Him ask me: "Nicole, if I take this away right now, would you be okay with that? Would you still trust in me and praise My Name?" Honestly, I wasn't able to answer at that time. Now, I can honestly say, "Yes LORD." After all, what do I have that God did not first bless me with? I am not my own; I am Christ's.
Basically, my point is this - never in my life have I ever liked anyone without feeling guilt, or feeling like I'm wrong about it for one reason or another, like I shouldn't have those feelings in first place. But I am realizing now that 1) romantic love has been created by God, 2) it is beautiful and blessed by God if it occurs at His intended time, and 3) if this is something that God chooses to bless me with, I must learn how to accept it with thanksgiving. And if God chooses to close the door on this, I will not be ashamed of myself, because I know that 1) my pride is nothing, and 2) God was the one who was in control and led my every step.
I pray that I might fall deeper and deeper in love with Christ and that His place as number one in my heart will be steadfast and unwavering.
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